When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, experts say it’s pretty common to feel a sense of boredom. In many cases, there’s really nothing to worry about. But if you’re wondering how to not get bored in a relationship, there are some pretty effective ways to prevent it, and keep things interesting as time goes by.
“As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I find this to be a common issue in the couples I work with,” Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT, LPC tells Bustle. After years of being together, people will go to her saying they’ve lost the excitement in their relationship. When that happens, people often feel hopeless about the state of their relationship overall.
But according to Labuzan-Lopez, boredom usually happens when people get stuck in a routine. They do the same thing every week, they don’t make time to focus on the relationship, and they generally keep it to themselves instead of addressing the issues with their partner.
“It’s important to note that being bored is not always a big problem and can indicate a healthy and stable relationship,” she says. “Having stability and knowing exactly what your partner is thinking or how they approach situations can be evidence that you have a solid foundation. What I’ve found is that couples who are bored and really just disconnected and need to find ways to bring back connection is all ways, physically, time, emotionally, and sexually.”
The good news is, there are things couples can do to get out of this slump. Scheduling date nights, talking about what you enjoy doing together, and actually going and doing it are some great ways to prevent boredom from settling in. Here are some of the most effective ways to prevent boredom in your relationship, according to science.
Determine What Boredom In A Relationship Really Looks Like For Each Partner
Everyone has their own idea of what’s boring to them. That’s why a 2013 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that it’s important to clearly define what “boredom” in a relationship looks like to each partner. If it’s a lack of interest in your partner, which was the number one reason why people got bored, compatibility may be the issue. However, if it’s something like loss of excitement, fun, or surprises, that’s something couples can work on by integrating something new into their routine.
Try New Things Together
Research by Dr. Arthur Aron, the man behind the the 36 questions that will make you fall in love, found that trying new things together is the key to keeping your relationship alive. For a 1993 study, 53 married couples were asked to asses the quality of their relationship before being split into three groups. One group was told to pick a new activity to do together for 90 minutes a week, another was told to do pleasant but routine activities together for 90 minutes a week, while the other group was told to not change anything for 10 weeks.
After the 10 weeks were up, couples who made it a point to try new things together were found to be the most satisfied in their relationships overall. Making the effort to do something together outside of your ordinary routine could prevent boredom in your relationship.
Last update: 13 August, 2019
Sometimes, it’s inevitable for routine to make an appearance in a relationship. The days go by and nothing new ever happens. There’s no motivation at all to do something different, which, as a consequence, leads to feelings of boredom and apathy. Is it possible to avoid dullness in a relationship?
Jessica Scheiner is a well-known clinical psychologist and relationship expert. She affirms that just like food, romantic relationships must be seasoned with different ingredients. Now, what ingredients should you add to your relationship? You may have been using the same ones for way too long and need to add something different in order to regain the excitement you once had and be able to enjoy your relationship again. Let’s delve deeper into this.
Routine in a Relationship
At the beginning of a relationship, passion and enthusiasm are all we know. Everything seems perfect, idyllic, and breathtaking. However, with the passage of time, dullness starts taking over and, in the blink of an eye, we become submerged in it. Making the same plans over and over again, maintaining the same sexual habits you’ve had since the beginning…
This situation is common in every relationship. The problem arises when it goes unnoticed. Thus, disappointment, boredom, and dullness take over and the relationship begins to go downhill. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to each other and check from time to time how you’re both feeling. In addition, it’s vital to try not to instill new things mechanically. Don’t forget that originality plays an important role in relationships.
Lighting the flame of love all over again includes little surprises from time to time and trying to do different things. However, it’s important to remember that it takes two to make this work. Therefore, it’s important that both parties propose something different to keep things interesting and revitalize feelings.
How to Avoid Dullness in a Relationship
Don’t be so eager to plan everything out
Organizing your day to day is normal, but everything has a limit. You can plan your goals and work tasks, as well as your personal goals or fun weekend plans, with your friends and partner. Now, it’s essential to keep in mind that if you plan everything, it’ll be extremely difficult for something to genuinely surprise you. In fact, if you continue to do the same thing with your partner day after day, it won’t take long until boredom knocks on your door.
In the case of a relationship, this habit can be very harmful. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to improvise everything. You should just strive for adventure. Instead of going to the beach with the whole family, why don’t you escape together to a romantic hotel, for example? Or maybe you feel like going on a trip to a nearby town or planning a romantic dinner under the stars. Honestly, the options are endless. You just have to be creative!
Pay attention to detail
Being in a rush all the time makes us not pay attention to detail. As a consequence, we get bored. Simple things such as passionate kisses, fun little surprises, and improvised massages are important.
Don’t turn your back on little gestures, powerful words, or enrapturing, captivating looks. In love, anything goes – and everything counts. Every relationship has its own rhythm, personality, and essence. Try to spark things up a bit depending on what you feel your partner may enjoy.
Take care of yourself
If you don’t love yourself, you can hardly love another person. The love you feel toward another person is only as strong as the love you have for yourself. It’s important to know your worth and not settle for less than you deserve. Accept your mistakes, but also your successes and accomplishments. Love yourself.
In addition, it’s vital to make time for yourself. Enjoy some alone time doing something that makes you happy. Remember that confidence is key in a relationship. You portray on the outside what you feel on the inside.
New things… in bed
Some of the most common relationship problems are related to sexual habits. Every time you have sex, everything is repetitive and boring. Why not try new things?
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to become swingers, see other people, read the Kamasutra, or try crazy things. (But if you want to, go ahead!) We’re referring to simple things such as changing positions, trying new things during foreplay, or using sex toys. The important thing is to talk about what you’d like to try and not do anything that both of you don’t feel comfortable with.
Adventurous activities that help you avoid dullness
Action and excitement can avoid dullness and awaken passion in your relationship. Have you thought about trying different activities? For example, skydiving, going rafting, trying exotic foods, etc. You just have to think of something thrilling that will make you laugh and have a good time together.
Communication is key. It’ll be impossible for you to feel comfortable in your relationship if you don’t express yourself. Talk about your feelings, needs, and desires. After all, you’re a team and should work together to make each other happy. This is a basic ingredient in every healthy relationship.
Avoid dullness in your relationship by taking these tips and tricks into consideration. Remember that it’s possible to spark things up again if you work together as a team to make it happen.
2021 Canadian Video Game Industry Economic Impact survey now open
Photo created by wayhomestudio – www.freepik.com
Almost everyone working in the digital sector knows how tricky it can be to recruit new clients. But oftentimes, an even more difficult task is managing existing client relationships.
Is the client getting everything they need from you? Are you stuck in an endless loop of meetings and revisions? Do you feel a sense of panic or frustration every time the client calls? Or, on the flip side, are they ignoring all of your calls?
Many account managers have horror stories of dealing with difficult clients. But at the same time, these account managers likely have had little to no training or experience with “relationship management.” And this lack of experience can be where common mistakes or missed opportunities crop up.
Chad Banman is the President of Sandler Training, a firm that specializes in sales and leadership training. His company is developing a digital account management training program to address the common issues many companies face when engaging with new or existing clients.
Here, Chad outlines the most common mistakes that people make when working with ongoing clients.
1. You don’t make any deposits in the client’s emotional bank account.
Too often, says Chad, we treat our interactions with clients as a transaction. “They come to us and ask for something, and we just do it. We don’t talk to them about their needs, or how they will judge the final work.”
It takes time, but he says it’s important to build a proper relationship with the client. You need to get to know their quirks and personalities, and find out what their real needs are when they ask for a specific product or service.
“If we just blindly do the thing they ask for, that turns us into a commodity, and they don’t see the real value,” says Chad. “You build value when you get to know them, and learn things about them that others don’t know. Then, when they say they want x, y, z, you can push back and say: is that what you really need?”
“If you don’t have that special relationship with them, they’re just going to see you as replaceable.”
2. You’ve lost control of the account.
“I don’t like the term ‘the customer is always right’,” says Chad. “That belief can be toxic. No relationship is one-way.”
Everyone, including the product or service provider, has the right to say “no”, and put boundaries on the relationship. Those boundaries are critical, and must be laid out at the very beginning of the contract, “like setting a bedtime for your kids.”
These can include what the deadlines are for each stage of the project, when the client can contact you and expect a response, what the expectations are for change requests, how quickly you’ll respond to questions, etc.
You’ll want to both agree on the project and the process. Anything they want you to do later on, outside of what you agreed on, is extra, and should result in change fees. This way, you avoid surprising the client with extra billing.
“Talking in advance is way better than trying to deal with it after,” says Chad. “If they don’t like the process you have, that’s okay. Ultimately, your core values and beliefs have to be in alignment with each other, and if they’re not, maybe you weren’t meant to work together.”
3. You don’t have a process for uncovering new opportunities in existing accounts.
Too often, says Chad, companies become fixated on “doer” mode, i.e. carrying out the specific tasks requested of them, and not “opportunity” mode. The client could have other needs that either you aren’t aware of, or they aren’t aware you have the ability to address them.
“Set up regular conversations with your client to talk about other things going on in their company,” says Chad. “Ask them about the projects they’re working on, what’s changing in their business. Be proactive.”
“If you see your client working with a competitor on something you could’ve done, it just shows you didn’t talk to them enough.”
4. You don’t get to know enough people in your client’s organization.
Oftentimes, service providers have one main contact within their client’s organization. But what happens when that contact leaves the company?
“Are you actively asking for introductions to their colleagues?” asks Chad. “Are you talking to the people above them? Or below them? That could be the person who takes over their role when they leave.”
You don’t want to end up in a situation where you’re cold-calling a company you’ve been working with for years. This is why it’s important to maintain multiple layers of connections.
“It’s also a good idea to maintain connections with the person who made the purchasing decision, not just the account manager,” says Chad. That way, you have a direct line to the decision-makers.
And of course, it’s also important to show gratitude for the work you’re getting — a thank-you gift, or a card to commemorate the holidays, can go a long way to strengthening your client relationship.
5. It’s not about you.
Don’t go into a business relationship to get your emotional needs met.
“That sounds obvious, but what that means is, don’t push your preferred style of communicating onto your client,” says Chad. “We all have an individual way of interacting with others that feels natural to us, but that may not be the best method for the person across the table.”
You need to determine the personality type of your client. They may be more direct in their comments, which could come across as abrasive or even offensive to you, but that is not their intention. It’s just how they express honest feedback.
“Never accept abuse, but you do need to learn to accept the communications style of the client.”
Some clients want a lot of data and background information in order to comfortably make a decision. Some want to take their time at the start of the meeting and talk about their weekend or pastimes, despite you being in a hurry to move the conversation along. But that’s just who they are.
You need to adapt your style of working and conversing to make the client comfortable, not the other way around.
“You may need to ‘act’ a little, but so be it,” says Chad. “Ultimately, good relationship management means making small compromises for the greater good of everyone.”
Sandler Training will be launching its three-part, annual Digital Account Management program this fall. The course is designed to give account managers the skills they need to communicate effectively with the clients. This includes setting clear expectations, better controlling the engagement process, and how to uncover new opportunities without pressuring the client.
For more information on the program, contact their training team.
Most relationships start off with a bang. However, as time wears on, our habits can sabotage the thing we care about the most, leaving us wondering how to fix a boring relationship when it seems like there’s no life left in it at all.
Is it normal to be bored in a relationship?
No one intends for this to happen, of course, but after too many days wearing sweat pants and binge-watching Netflix together, even the best relationships can suffer from boredom.
That doesn’t mean your relationship is over and done with, though. It’s totally normal for a relationship to get boring, so if (and when) it happens to you, don’t panic.
What it means if your relationship is boring
If it’s a new relatively new relationship, what you might be experiencing is the end of the honeymoon phase. Typically lasting around 30 months, once that period of passion and butterflies is over, it might feel like your relationship is hitting a dead-end. However, that’s likely not the case.
If it’s a relationship that you’ve been in for a while, it’s probably the general comfort you feel with this person that’s making you feel bored. Excitement often stems from experiencing the unknown — if you’ve been with someone for years on end, you probably know exactly what to expect from that person at all times, and them from you, so that element of excitement is no longer there.
How to fix a boring relationship
Whether you’re having problems or things have just become monotonous, here are a few quick and easy ways to fix a boring relationship.
1. Recreate a memorable date.
Pick a date that you know you both enjoyed and recreate it. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but the date’s association with the positive memory is likely to help you bring back the spark.
Also, if you’ve let date night go by the wayside entirely, try to carve out some time to reconnect at least once a week.
2. Learn something new together.
Do you have a hobby you’ve always wanted to try? Are there any local classes offered that sound fun? Trying something new and getting both of you out of your comfort zone can help you reconnect.
Learning also serves to ground you in the moment, which — if you’ve both been preoccupied with stressors — is a good thing.
My parents (who have a happy 37-year marriage) report that learning something new together — like the time they took floral arrangement classes — is one big key to keeping their spark alive.
3. Work on a project together.
Have you been putting off renovating your house, cleaning out your closets, or tackling the mountains of boxes in your garage? Choose a project that you can knock out together in a few days or a weekend so that it feels attainable and not overwhelming.
Changing up your environment together can provide a common goal and joint pride of accomplishment.
4. Take the TV out of your bedroom.
When you’re both busy, sometimes the bedroom is one of the few times that you can both connect — emotionally and physically. By removing distractions, it makes it all the more likely that you’ll find time for each other.
Subscribe to our newsletter.
5. Escape from everyday life.
It doesn’t have to be far away or expensive, but just getting out of your normal routine can help you reconnect.
There are tons of ways to turn a few days into an adventure together. Camping, getting a hotel room, visiting a local spa, or even turning off all of your technology for a weekend are all great ways to get some time together and switch things up.
6. Revamp your look.
Giving yourself a little makeover can both make you feel good about yourself, and spark some new interest from your mate. Sometimes when we get comfortable in a relationship, it’s easy to go overboard and stop making the effort to look good like we did at the beginning of the pairing.
Often our partners are the long-suffering recipients of our most sloppy habits and we forget that it’s really important to make an effort. They might never tell us that they are disappointed that we’ve given up on things, but it can really make the other person feel that they aren’t important to you. It’s a really common mistake to assume that because the other person loves you and is still in the relationship, they are happy with the status quo.
I used to call myself a one-date wonder. I would go on all these incredible first dates, and then, I’d never hear from these men again. What’s the deal?
It would happen on dating apps, too. I would match with guys whom I would have long, witty conversations with, but they would never actually ask me out.В Eventually, after a few weeks of pen-pal-ship, ourВ non-relationship would just fizzle out.
So why am I being ghostedВ all the time? Is there a way to avoid it? I decided to reach out to some experts.
First, I needed a male perspective: What’s the deal with ghosting anyway? Why does it happen? What causes it?
“The thing that causes ghosting to take place is a combination of communication and expectations not matching up,” says Thomas Edwards, aВ professional wingman.В “Typically, actions вЂ” or lack thereof вЂ” come as a surprise when expectations change on either side and aren’t communicated properly. So the best chance you have to truly prevent ghosting is to communicate expectations consistently so actions don’t come as a surprise.”
So it turns out that to avoid ghosting, you just need to communicate properly. Guys like explicit, direct, and open communication? Who knew! The less games you play, the more you’ll get your way, I guess.
But more than that, ghosting can sometimes actually be a good thing. I know. It’s surprising.
Meredith Golden, a dating coach and online dating expert, says, “Being ghosted, while annoying and disappointing, can really be a blessing. I’d rather true colors be shown earlier so your time isn’t wasted.” And to be honest, I agree. Growing up, my mother always used to tell me, “Rejection is God’s protection.”В Sometimes, everythingВ doesn’t work out for a reason.
But what if you’re already dating or talking to a guy, and you want to make sure he doesn’t ghost you? Well, Golden has some tips to follow to ensure successful dating. If you follow these rules, the person you’re dating likely won’t disappear from your life completely without warning вЂ” hopefully.
1. Make Plans
First, it’s important to avoid falling into pen-pal territory by making plans as soon as possible. “Skip the pre-screen call and meet live. The pre-screen call usually falls flat and someone gets ghosted,” says Golden.
Sometimes, we want to text someone incessantly before meeting or message them for weeks to see if we’re compatible before meeting up. This just leads to a lot of anger and frustration, as well as opportunities to meet other people. Life moves quickly on dating apps, and you gotta cut to the chase.
To avoid being ghosted, avoid too much pre-talk, which can get boring. Instead, dive straight into coffee or drinks in person. When you chat IRL, you can at least tell if you have chemistry or if you feelВ attraction вЂ” something that isn’t necessarily decipherableВ on your phone.
2. Ask Questions
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of things to say on Bumble or Tinder to keep the conversation moving, Golden has you covered. She says, “When messaging on apps, respond with questions to keep it going.”
People instinctively don’t like to leave things unanswered, so your best bet at an engaging conversation that won’t disappear is to actuallyВ ask questions.
Should you intensely interrogate a complete stranger? No, probably not the best idea. But ask your Tinder match about himself or herself, see if you watch the same television shows, and if theyВ message you about something interesting, ask a few follow-up questions about it.
People like to engage with those who seem interested in both them and their interests, and the best way to seem interested is by asking questions.
3. Stay Mysterious
“Keep things short and sweet, and you won’t be ghosted by every guy you meet” is my motto that I just made up.
“Don’t be too available. Even if you’re a former super model who is an orthopedic surgeon, being too available sends an unattractive message,” Golden says. “Hold off a few hours before you respond online, and don’t go back and forth more than four times in a day. Also, if he hasn’t asked you to meet after four days of messaging, don’t waste your time.”
You don’t need to write a guy novels on a dating app to keep his attention, especially if he seems like he is withdrawn or elusive. Those are exactly the kind of guys you don’t want to give your attention to in the first place. Save a little mystery in your conversations so that the person you’re messaging has a reason to ask you out IRLВ and find out more about you.
If you message someone your entire life story, it not only showsВ that you have a LOT of time on your hands and that you’re willing to give it to a stranger for no reason, but it also leaves no space for growth or finding out more about you when you meet up in person. To prevent being ghosted in this case, keep it brief.
Ghosting is usually the result of improper communication and can sometimes actually be a blessing. So don’t take it personally. Be thankful for it. You just dodged a bad-guy bullet.
But if you want to avoid it in your life, make plans early, ask questions to keep the conversation moving, and don’t be too available. And if he hasn’t asked you to hang after a few days of messaging, it might be time to ghost him.
Check out theВ вЂњBest of Elite DailyвЂќ stream in the Bustle AppВ for more stories just like this!
A boring relationship that goes unfixed can result in a breakup. We don ‘t tend to stay in situations that bore us for too long, because life is much more fun and rewarding when we feel excited and stimulated. A relationship, where we spend a lot of time with someone in everyday situations, needs to be fun and rewarding in order to make us happy and fulfilled. Following are some crucial tips on how to fix a boring relationship that you can use in your relationship starting today.
1. A Unique Date Night Is A Must
This is one of the tips that you will find in almost any article on how to fix a boring relationship. It is that important.
You have to start going on dates again. But, not just any dates. Remember when you first got together and all dates felt new and exciting? After a while, though, going to the same restaurant felt more like a comfort thing than it did an exciting thing. That ‘s when things can get boring. Therefore, you need to make date night something unique and exciting as often as possible to keep the thrill up.
If you haven ‘t gone on a date in a while, then start off by going someone comfortable and memorable to the two of you. This will give you a reconnect that you probably really need. But, after that, schedule in dates that excite you.
To make it fair, make sure that you each write down potential date ideas on a little piece of paper. Then, put those ideas in a jar and pull one idea every time it is date night. That will maintain a level of
Couples Should Be Passionate To Love In Marriage
to each other to be able to make the marriage last. A marriage without passion is more likely to fail. Passion keeps the relationship alive. If the passion in your marriage starts to fade, you have to do something to bring back the fire in your marriage. Rekindling the passion in your marriage needs some effort and dedication. Without a conscious effort to keep the passion in the relationship, the marriage will suffer a slow death. At the beginning of the relationship, couples are naturally romantic
Speech About Long Distance Relationship
ADVICE FOR LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP YU KA CHING 14206803 GCPS1005 (Section 1) 14/7/2015 Dr. Kimmy Cheng Specific Purpose: To inform my audience three important elements to keep a long distance relationship INTRODUCTION (Attention getting) I. Are you in a relationship? Can you imagine if your partners have to go aboard for their work or study? Will you think about breaking up? (Scenario) II. What if you go aboard to exchange, will you continue your current relationship? Will you stop loving your
Sex Toys For The Bedroom
view the toys as competition, but that ‘s simply not the case! Sex toys are an extension of your desire and skill in the bedroom, and they can help you become a master at making your partner experience pleasure consistently. Of course, they can also make sure you experience pleasure consistently too! We want you to convince you that sex toys can be a hot addition to any bedroom. So, following are 7 hot reasons to use sex toys with your partner in bed tonight. 1. They Help You Let Go Of Your Inhibitions
Case 2 Essay
little fun once in a while to make the work interesting and exciting for everyone, in this company they laugh at themselves every once in a while, and being a little weird requires being a little innovative, this way really bring success, and it’s a key to their survival, and also that way the employee does not feel that the work is boring, this value encourages people to think
Disappointment In Madame Bovary
visit. After the distress of this disappointment, her heart once more remained empty”(79). That night at the ball gave Emma a feeling like no other of how love should feel and look like. It seems like from that point on, she has a concrete idea of what love is. “With the ball still humming in her ears, she was trying to stay awake in order to prolong the illusion of this luxurious life”(79). This longing to back to such an “illusion” shows that Emma is continually being pulled away from Charles and
Characteristics Of Strong Relationships
strong relationship takes a lot of work and commitment sometimes. It’s amazing to have a long lasting strong relationship and it’s not so amazing when they start to fade. There are many qualities that can help keep strong relationships. Everyone love’s having that strong relationship with those special people in their lives, and they still have strong relationship’s because of the different qualities in their relationship with the people. Even if a strong relationship ends you’ll always make new ones
Exploring Hollywood Films Essay
are also occasions when in a film there may be a combination of more than one genre this is known as a hybrid. Genre is an excellent way of classifying a film. Audiences will know what to expect when they go too see a film as they will know if they normally like, thrillers, for example then they make the choice of seeing it. They also generally guarantee box office success this is also because of the audience knowing if they will like the film or not.
Borders Lena Coakley Analysis
important because it separates an individual from another. Identity of an individual consists of qualities, beliefs, personality, looks and/or expressions. A struggle with one of these aspects can be caused by internal and external issues or by both. Relationships with others can cause a negative or positive impact on an individual’s identity. The short story “Mirror Image” by Lena Coakley is about a girl who’s brain is transplanted in someone else’s body and her struggle to understand if she is the same
The Guys Guide On Texting Women
the modern age. It’s instant and there are no time restraints. What’s not to love? The problem with texting is that it’s incredibly difficult to showcase the best parts of yourself and convey the meaning of your words through a text alone. This is what makes texting such a minefield when it comes to romance. Problems with Texting Back and How to Solve Them 1. Problem: She Doesn’t Text You Back at all Cause The simplest reason for this problem is that she’s busy. We all know that sometimes life
Analysis Of Alone Together By Sherry Turkle
appreciate the beauty of what was deemed subtle. Both authors explain the concept of grids, de Botton wanting to get out of it and Turkle explaining people’s fears when it comes to getting rid of it. Grids can keep the individual from living life by holding them back from the real world. Technology holds a specific stronghold on this subject because of the illusions that it forms in people’s minds. The advantages of the internet can impede a person from experiencing what life has to offer by keeping
There are a lot of dangers that can destroy a marriage, but one we hardly ever hear about is boredom. A boring marriage doesn’t sound nearly as threatening as a couple that fights all the time. No one cites a dull marriage as the reason for divorce, but boredom can be the instigator to any number of marriage crises.
One reason for this is that boredom often prompts us to create drama. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but fighting can feel more intimate than a bland relationship. When marriage is boring, we may camp out on little issues and blow them out of proportion, just to be sure your spouse still has a pulse.
Boredom also makes us susceptible to an affair. If there is no excitement or romance in your life, your heart is easy pickings for someone who pays attention to you. Oh, to feel the thrill of the chase and the excitement of learning all about someone new! Millions of marriages have fallen apart because they didn’t handle a boring season well.
If you want to avoid being a statistic, here are three ways to address boredom in your marriage.
1. Expect It
Have you ever noticed that the vast majority of romantic movies and books are all about the “chase”? They play on the tension of possible lovers who have great obstacles to overcome in order to be together. Once they proclaim their love, the movie or book ends. In fact, if a couple in the story starts out married, they are likely to be apart, with a more suitable partner, by the end. Living together faithfully for 50 years just isn’t that exciting.
Don’t chalk the boredom in your marriage up to your “vanilla” spouse. Boredom is a natural aspect of weathering the many seasons of love. In fact, it’s a test of love and faithfulness that every couple will have to walk through to fulfill their promise of “till death do us part.”
The problem is that you’ve been trained to crave excitement. Something in you believes that “true love” will always feel exhilarating and adventurous. Nothing could be further from the truth. Real love is characterized by patience, longsuffering, and unselfishness. Marriage is a marathon. Some stretches of the journey will be exciting, but others will be a test of your endurance.
2. Remember the Upside of Boredom
Subjects like accounting, engineering, and statistics are boring to many people. Why? Because they are so steady and predictable. No CPA would advertise “creative accounting” or “I’ll make your tax return exciting!” And I really don’t want a plane ride to be thrilling. I prefer to have boring flights that leave and arrive when they say they will without any excitement! There are some things in life that are better boring.
We describe feelings of boredom when something is predictable, consistent, and dependable. If your marriage has reached a stage of boredom, that probably means that many of the issues between you and your spouse have been settled or resolved. You’ve heard your husband tell the same joke a hundred times. You could finish his sentences, and he could finish yours. Remember that you can only feel bored when you feel comfortable and secure. That’s not necessarily a bad thing!
3. Put Effort into Revival
While boredom is a natural part of marriage, you can also work toward making your relationship a bit more exciting. There are seasons of monotony, but there should also be seasons of adventure, awakening love, and rediscovering each other. In fact, part of “feeling” in love requires that you intentionally incorporate some novelty in your marriage. Here is a list of some things Mike and I have done to get out of tedious stretches of marriage:
- Find a list of questions to ask each other when we go on dates. We can take for granted that we know everything about each other, but questions can help you discover new things to share.
- Try something new in the bedroom. Take turns planning a new sexual adventure. You may like it or you may not. But just trying something new can awaken romance and fun in your marriage.
- Tackle a new hobby together. Try something neither of you are good at and learn it together.
- Find a service project you can do together. Lead a small group at church, teach a child’s Sunday school class, help a struggling friend with housework, or surprise a needy family with an anonymous gift.
- Go back to where you started. Watch old videos or look through pictures of when you were dating and first married. Talk about the early years of marriage and what you enjoyed in discovering one another.
Author Manly Hall observed, “It is only a step from boredom to disillusionment, which leads naturally to self-pity, which in turn ends in chaos.” Far too many women have allowed their boredom to turn into disillusionment, self-pity, and marital chaos. Resolve today not to be among them!
Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women
What to Do When Your Marriage Is Boring
Juli Slattery is a TCW regular contributor and blogger. A widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional, she co-founded Authentic Intimacy and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?
You and your partner are in love. You’ve been together for a while now, and everything is going great. But suddenly, things start to feel a little old. You wonder what theВ difference between being bored and comfortable in a relationshipВ is.В Am I truly bored? Is my partner not the right one for me?
Well, hold on a second. ItВ could be that your partner isn’t right for you and that you’re just plain bored of a not-so-perfect relationship. Or, it could be that you two are great together, and you’ve just hit a new level in your partnership вЂ” a level that involves less butterflies and more cozy love. But how can you tell?
There are a few simple signs that can help you distinguish whether it’s boredom or comfort. One (boredom) isn’t ever desired in a relationship (even though, sometimes, it happens). If you’ve hit a long, long rut of boredom, you might just be at the end of the line with this relationship.
The other (comfort) is actually wonderful. It means you and your partner are being yourselves, and you are happy together. It’s something that naturally happens in a loving relationship.
So which is it? Below are five differences between boredom and comfort. Through these, you’ll be able to tell what the right next step is for your love.
Boredom comes with a desire for something new. Comfort doesn’t.
Boredom essentiallyВ means that you’re, well, bored. It means you feel stuck, and you really want somethingВ new and different. The key with boredom is that it’ll feel like you’ve exhausted all of the options with your partner.
This feeling commonly sets in as a couple transitions out of the honeymoon phase into a period of steady stability. “[There is] a feeling of safety and predictability вЂ” fertile ground for boredom to grow in,” Daniel Sher, clinical psychologist and a consultant for the Between Us Clinic, previously told Elite Daily. “Safety and predictability are important, but itвЂ™s possible to experience this while also having a relationship that feels enlivening and exciting.”
Comfort, on the other hand, doesn’t come with a desire for anything new. The feeling of comfort is more like you’re finally home and able to relax after a long day. It’s kind of like your partner is your “home.” They’re the person you want to be with to let your guard down from the outside world.
Between the two, comfort is definitely the better emotion for long-term love. If you feel like you’re looking for something new, though, you may just be bored.
Boredom requires a solution. Comfort isn’t a problem.
When you’re bored, you’ll probably find yourself desperate for a solution. After all, boredom usually means you are lacking options and excitement, so you’ll naturally want to remedy that. In a relationship, the “solution” could either be trying to spice things up with your partner, or it could mean ending it and finding someone new. You won’t know unless you explore the emotion.
вЂњIf the relationship is stagnant, often the individuals also feel stuck in their life,вЂќ relationship and intimacy coach Megan Lambert previously told Elite Daily. вЂњAsk yourself, вЂWhat do I really want? What is a secret dream of mine I could explore?’ Then go out and try it. Often, couples are afraid that if they follow their dreams, it will pull their relationship apart. But you have to risk losing the relationship and follow your interests to keep the spark alive.вЂќ
When you’re comfortable with another person, however, you’ll just feel great. You’ll feel like the two of you were meant to be together, and you won’t be searching for anything. If comfort is what you feel, it’s likely your relationship will last for the long haul.
Boredom is restless. Comfort is peaceful.
Boredom naturally comes with a feeling of restlessness. But shifting your mindset can go a long way here.
вЂњCouples get boring because they assume they know each other already,” Lambert previously told Elite Daily. “They don’t. In every moment, your partner is a new and unique human. Imagine you are an alien meeting your partner for the first time. What would an alien be curious about? What would you want to know? Explore each other as if you were two aliens, totally new, totally fresh.вЂќ
Fresh conversations and new ideas can keep the spark alive, which creates a tremendous feeling of peacefulness. When you’re comfortable in the right relationship, you’ll wonder what you were doing in all of those other relationships. And you’ll wonder why you never experienced this awesome feeling of peacefulness before. The short answer is that it’s because you weren’t with the right person before.
Although it may seem subtle, the truth is that the difference between a bored feeling and a comfortable feeling in a relationship is actually quite stark. Comfort comes with a lot of other positive emotions; boredom mostly comes with negative ones.
This post was originally published on Oct. 9, 2017. It was updated on Aug. 30, 2019 by Hannah Orenstein.
This article was originally published on 08.30.17
Are you boring? Who would answer “Yes” to that question? Most people don’t think of themselves as boring and luckily, most people aren’t. But does that automatically make you intriguing? Hmmmmm…
When you go out to meet new people, what do you talk about? Do you discuss work, family, the weather? How do you feel when someone new starts talking about his/her work -life? Riveted? Spellbound? Captivated? Probably not. It’s true, these are the easiest topics and a good way to start a conversation. But will it be memorable or leave a man curious about you, wanting to know more? Not likely.
Boring is often nice, polite, non-descript, bland, everyday, expected, caring and nurturing. Please don’t start taking care of him right from the word go. Acting like his therapist and care-taking will not get you date number one.
So what’s the solution to mundane conversation? Don’t talk about mundane topics! Duh right?
When I studied coaching, we were given many exercises to become more curious and ask thought provoking questions. The good news is, anyone can use these techniques. When you do, you won’t be boring! Instead you’ll have the possibility of getting into fascinating conversations or drawing someone out to really discover who they are.
There are three different methods and often you might end up using both in one conversation.
#1 – Find out what the other person’s passions are. For example, ask what was his favorite vacation ever. Or find out about the person’s hobbies. Maybe he’s involved with a particular cause. When you tap into the passion , the conversation will have enthusiasm and energy and you will see him literally come alive. Often the excitement shared has a contagious affect, causing you both to become animated.
#2 – Really listen to what he is saying and follow the train of thought to get more details. Ask why he likes Bermuda or soccer, how he got interested, and what future plans he may have about the topic. This is how you start connecting on a deeper level and get past the superficial.
#1 – Know what you are passionate about and have your responses ready. When you ask a man questions like this, after a while, the tables might turn and he might ask you the same question. Be prepared with your own answers so you’re not caught off guard.
#2 – If a man asks how you are, be ready with an unusual response and have a story about something interesting or unusual that just happened to you. Not too long, you have enough details to be understood, but not overwhelm. Leave something unsaid so he can ask you questions too.
#1 Be playful , use your sense of humor, and verbally tease. This can be very exciting and terribly fun. It involves great banter, some social risk taking, feeling confident and leveraging your clever nature. You might not answer questions directly, add a sly little smile to the end of a sentence, or say things just to get a reaction. The amount of social risk you take will be up to you.
Overall, the idea is to reach that level of conversation where you are both involved and excited – because this is a way to leave someone wanting to know more. When you talk about the unexpected, you shake people up and stand apart from the crowd. That’s what makes you memorable and intriguing. That’s what will make him think about you later, feel curious, and motivated to call – so he can see you again.
Next time you’re out at a social event – experiment with these techniques. Don’t wait for the perfect man! Try this with women, family or any guy at the party or networking event. See what works for you and how fun it can be! Practice makes you’ll feel a lot more comfortable and capable of taking these social risks once you’ve done it a few times.