A best friend is “a therapist you can drink with,” and much more.
Posted Dec 03, 2012
When we are young, we seem to have no shortage of “best friends.” As we mature, however, the nature of our friendships changes. Having or being a best friend is no longer as simple as labeling someone our BFF and having them reciprocate.
Other more important factors come into play, including:
- Being emotionally supportive. This is probably the most important element of any adult friendship. Best friends refrain from unnecessarily criticizing each other and tend to be nonjudgmental.
- A best friend will listen to you and thoughtfully respond rather than react to what you’ve said even if you have triggered something in him or her. The ability to hear what another is truly saying is one of the best parts of friendship.
- Best friends go out of their way for the people they care about, and it feels good to both parties. You can tell who your real friends are when you need help with a move or a ride to the airport.
- Thoughtfulness is a quality that deepens and strengthens any friendship. Being able to see someone else’s needs—and to do what you can to fulfill those needs—enables bonding experiences. Our best friends do things for us no one else would think of.
- Reliability. When you know you can call on your best friend to bail you out of a jam, 24/7, it makes you feel better and increases your overall confidence.
- Best friends accept you and all your flaws. They don’t expect perfection. When you aren’t at your best, they are understanding rather than critical. If you’re having a bad day, someone who cares for you will ask if they can help or if they should let you be alone if that’s what you need.
- A friend once gave me a cocktail napkin that said, “Friends are therapists you can drink with.” A good friendship is indeed therapeutic, though a good friend is not the same as a drinking buddy.
- A strong friendship defines you both and helps each of you navigate this thing called life. Your friend is a mirror who reflects back to you who you are to them. In other words, your best qualities shine, and those pieces that need improvement are not judged but understood.
- It’s hard for some of us to cry alone. Instead, we might need a shoulder to cry on, and having a friend you feel comfortable doing that with is a gift. When facing difficulty, having someone you can really let your pain out with can be invaluable.
- Best friends have your back. Knowing you can trust another person with your well-being allows you both to explore and enjoy more new things than you would on your own.
It’s life-affirming to have a best friend to help pull you up but never put you down. You have to be willing to give as much as you want to get, but I don’t know anyone who thinks a good friendship is not worth the effort.
How to Tell When a Person Wants to Become Friends With You
When you’re trying to establish a new friendship, it can be difficult to figure out if someone you know in passing is interested in getting to know you better. How do you know if an acquaintance of yours would like to be your friend? Here are some signs.
They Ask Questions About You
If you’ve met an acquaintance or two you’ve probably made small talk in the beginning as you get to know one another. If someone is interested in being a friend, however, small talk transforms quickly into “big talk,” or more questions about your life and interests.
In many cases, someone may skip small talk after the first few times you meet, opting instead to dive into questions about your hobbies, likes, and availability. People that do this usually are interested in knowing you further and becoming friends.
Invite You to Do Things
If a new person asks you along to an event or activity, they’re usually doing it because they genuinely enjoy hanging out with you and want to establish a friendship.
They might invite you to do something one-on-one or with an already established group of friends depending on their own personality and how much time they have for a new friendship.
Stick Up for You
Have you ever been in a new group when someone picks on you (lightheartedly or not) and suddenly another person says “knock it off” or comes to your aid in some way? That person probably has some genuine friendly affection for you and doesn’t want to see you get hurt.
A friend who is willing to stick up for you is nice to have, and when they do it early on it’s a sign they know a lot about being a good friend.
Check In On You to See How You’re Doing
People who send you an email just to see how you’re doing or write on your Facebook wall are showing an interest in your life and emotions. They don’t do it just because. After all, we all know how busy everyone is today, so much so that it’s sometimes hard to keep friendships going. So if a new acquaintance has taken the time to reach out, it’s a good sign it’s because they want to be friends.
It can sometimes be frustrating when you’re the one doing all the communicating in a new friendship, so if your acquaintance is reaching out frequently, be sure to return the favor.
They Introduce You As “My Friend”
The word “friend” gets used pretty loosely these days, with complete strangers and even customers being called friend on things like Facebook and Twitter. But if someone you’ve just met introduces you this way, it means at the very least they feel closer to you in some way and would like to be better friends at some point in the future.
This is especially true if you’ve seen this person out many places over time and yet you haven’t become friends yet. Remember that friendships each have their pace and timing. One friendship may start off quickly while another might take years.
These signs should help you determine if someone is just an acquaintance who has some interest in you but not enough to form a friendship, or if that person would really like to be your pal when the time is right. Be open to people who show these traits.
People Who Try Too Hard to Be Your Friend
Sometimes you meet people and just click, and other times you’re just not into being friends with someone. But what happens when you don’t care to be close friends with someone but they ask to hang out with you all the time? You don’t want to be totally truthful and hurt their feelings by saying, “I just don’t like you,” so what is the best way to handle this situation? Here’s some advice.
Always Be Nice But Don’t Be Too Available
Being rude is never an option, so find ways to be nice to everyone, even the folks you don’t care for. It should be noted that being nice doesn’t mean you should give this person false hope and pretend that you’re interested in doing things together. There is a balance between blunt honest (and hurtful) and putting up a boundary that acquaintances cannot cross.
Never agree to get together thinking that you can cancel later. This only makes you look bad as someone that cancels all the time, and besides that, it doesn’t necessarily send the message that you’re not interested. If an acquaintance is really determined it will only make them try harder to pin down a time for a friend date with you.
Say something like:
“I appreciate the invite but I’ll have to pass.”
Don’t provide more information or try to lie with details that you think will make this answer easier to take. Simply saying a polite no thank you without explanation and remaining kind will help them see you’re not interested without making it a big deal.
When an Acquaintance Just Won’t Give Up
Sometimes the people we’re saying no to will try extra hard to get us to say yes. Perhaps these people don’t have many friends or they just really like us and want to hang out with us. Never be rude or hurtful or look down your nose at someone who is trying hard to be friends. If you have given the chance to be friends with serious consideration and decided that this person is just not for you, be kind but keep your boundaries intact.
If an acquaintance has asked us and been turned down, they may change the way they approach us in hopes of getting us to say yes. Sometimes this means seeing if you’re available first and then asking you to do something. Or, asking us straight out why we won’t make time for them.
“Thanks for the invite. That does sound fun but I always check with my schedule and family before I say yes to anything. I’ll have to let you know.”
Or, say no right away without being hurtful:
“What a fun event! I appreciate you thinking of me but I like to commit most of my free time to my family (kids, husband, hobby). I’ve made a promise to say no to great invites like this so I can have more time for them.”
It’s hard to argue when someone tells you they guard their time very carefully and won’t be swayed, even by an invitation to a fun event.
If an Acquaintance Gets Angry With You for Turning Down Their Invites
It’s not easy to make friends and sometimes repeatedly asking someone to do something can get old. Your acquaintance may get angry at hearing yet another “no thanks” from you, even when you’re nice about it.
First, understand where they are coming from. Wouldn’t it be a bummer to want to be friends with someone and have them not interested in you? So go easy on them but keep the boundaries you feel comfortable with. If they question your reason for saying no be firm but kind.
Acquaintance: “You’ve said no to my invitation to lunch three times now. I’m beginning to think you don’t like me!”
You: “Please don’t think that. I don’t often accept lunch invitations because of my busy schedule. I’m very protective of any free time I have so I’m probably not the best person to ask to hang out with.”
When someone continues asking, opt to say no to anything involving your free time without elaborating why.
Acquaintance: “How about lunch next week?”
You: “I’m sorry, no. I can’t.”
Refrain from saying you’re not available because your persistent acquaintance will just keep on asking. Instead, say that you just cannot promise anything right now because of how your life is, how busy your schedule is, or how committed you are to spending free time with family. These are options for letting your acquaintance down nicely, and eventually they will move on to someone else.
Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the Mentally Strong People podcast.
If you suffer from social anxiety disorder (SAD) or are simply shy, it may seem easier to avoid making friends and spend time alone instead. However, research shows that people with close friends live longer and are generally healthier. In addition, those with close friends are better able to cope with the death of a spouse or other major life change.
For those with SAD, you may want to make friends but do not know how. Below are step-by-step instructions to help you increase your social circle and hopefully make a few good friends along the way.
How to Make New Friends
Below are suggestions on how to make and keep new friends.
- Before you try to make new friends, it is important to spend some time working on yourself. The more well-rounded a person you are, the easier it will be to talk with others.
- Brush up on current events, take up a new hobby; anything that you can do to become more comfortable with who you are will make it easier to make friends. Find out what you are passionate about in order to find like-minded people.
- The second step in making friends is finding potential friends. When looking for potential friends, the best places to start are also the easiest—your interests. Do you work with others? Do you know someone who has a large circle of friends? Could you join a group or organization to increase the number of people that you are in contact with?
- It is important not to be too picky in the beginning. Anyone could be a potential friend; first impressions are not necessarily the best indicators of who could become a long-term friend. Consider asking a coworker to lunch, joining a book club at the library or volunteering at a local non-profit to meet new people and potential friends.
- Make sure to get contact information for the people that you meet. Whether it’s their cell phone number or a link to their social media pages, find a way to reach out to them.
- The most critical step in making friends is both accepting invitations and making plans with others. Do your best not to turn down any invitations. If you turn people down often enough they will stop asking you to do things.Be patient as your friendship grows. Research shows it can take 50 or more hours before an acquaintance becomes a true friend.
- By the same token, you shouldn’t always expect the other person to make plans. Though making plans can be a challenging task for those with SAD, it is important to show others that you are interested in them and want to get together.
- Once you have begun to form friendships, it is important to stay in touch. Over time you will come to learn how often certain people stay in touch. Be sure to do your part to contact your new friends and make plans. With the ease of online communication, it’s much more convenient to keep in touch with those that you meet.
- Don’t expect instant results. Building friendships takes time and mutual effort. Make creating new friendships a priority, but realize that the race to the finish line is a marathon, not a sprint.
- Once you have made new friends, be careful not to take them for granted. Always make your friendships a priority even when it may not be convenient for you.
- Good friends don’t criticize, gossip, or judge each other.
- Never compromise your beliefs, values, or morals because of a friendship.
A Word From Verywell
Making friends takes time, but if you feel that you cannot meet new people or that idea of trying to meet new people is too frightening or overwhelming, it may be a good idea to consult a therapist. Working on treating SAD can help you relax and enjoy being around other people more. Once your social anxiety is under control, you should find it easier to approach new people and start developing friendships.
A look at how Snapchat best friends are determined
When you send and receive snaps back and forth from friends on Snapchat, you may notice some emojis appear beside their names after you spend some time interacting. These are considered your best friends.
How to Change Your Snapchat Best Friends List
Snapchat does not currently give users an option to delete contacts from their best friends list. If you want them to disappear from your best friends, one method is to decrease your level of interaction with them. Alternatively, you can keep your level of interaction the same with your current best friends, but increase the level of interaction with other people you want to take their place.
If you stop sending and receiving snaps from anyone currently a part of this list, or if you start interacting more with others than you do with them, then your current best friends will disappear (and possibly be replaced) within as little as a day.
Another way to clear someone from the Best Friends list is to block them on Snapchat and then unblock them. Doing this resets the score that determined them to be a best friend.
What Are Snapchat Best Friends, Anyway?
In general, your best friends are the friends you interact with the most. You may not consider those people to be the people you’re closest to in real life, but if you’re snapping with them often and frequently, Snapchat will place a little emoji beside their names to represent your friendship.
How to Make Someone Your Best Friend on Snapchat
Although you can’t pick and choose exactly who you want to be on this list since Snapchat does it for you, you can certainly influence who you want to be on that list by sending those specific people more snaps and encouraging them to send more back to you. Try doing that for at least a few days to trigger Snapchat to recalculate your interaction habits.
For some of the more serious best friend statuses (like Super BFF), you’ll have to spend months interacting with the same friend every day. As a bonus, you’ll get a snap streak emoji next to that friend’s name, which remains there as long as you keep snapping each other every day.
There are different types of friends you can have on Snapchat. You can have a best friend, a best friend for two weeks, a best friend for two months, a shared best friend, someone who’s almost your best friend and a close friend. If you want to know what all of these mean, check out Everything You Need to Know About Snapchat Emojis.
How Many Best Friends Can You Have?
According to Snapchat, you can have up to eight best friends at a time—including those you interact with most through group chats. Best friends are updated regularly so it’s always easy to find the friends you want to interact with the most.
You should be able to see your list of best friends at the top of the Send To tab before you send a snap, which makes it easier to find the friends you interact with the most and saves you time from having to scroll through your entire friends’ list.
Can You Change Your Snapchat Best Friends?
Since Snapchat has its own way of tracking your best friends, you can’t ultimately pick and choose contacts to build your own best friends list. There are, however, some things you can do to manipulate your list so that it shows up the way that you want, with the people you want on it.
Only You Can See Who Your Snapchat Best Friends Are
In previous versions of the Snapchat app, you could actually see the best friends of other users. In more recently updated versions of the app, however, this is no longer possible.
Your best friends cannot be seen by anybody else. This may be good or bad. On one hand, nobody will know who you interact with the most, but on the other hand, the friend emojis that reveal you’re not another friend’s best friend can leave you wondering who’s taking your place in their friend list.
About Snapchat Scores
Unlike Snapchat best friends, you can see the Snapchat scores of your friends by opening their profile. Do this by tapping their profile picture. The score appears next to their username.
“Always be mindful of the kindness and not the faults of others.”
Would you like to have more friends? I mean true friends—people who laugh and cry with you.
My close friends mean the world to me. They are there for me when I need them. When they’re on a high, I celebrate with them; when they fall, I help them up again. My life is so much richer because of my friends.
But it hasn’t all been an easy ride. For example, one of my best friends is my ex-husband. It took years of work to move through heart-ache, anger, grief, and resentment in order to find the strong friendship we have now. To create a true friendship takes a lot of effort and dedication.
A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.
How I Lost a Heap of Fake Friends (and Gained a Few True Ones)
In the past, I learned a hard lesson about friends. I was a professional musician at the time and Director of one of the oldest and most renowned music schools in Australasia. My life seemed to be going fine: I was in a good marriage, had great job with a high public profile, and was a popular friend of many.
Or so I thought. Then things disintegrated: I lost my job, and my husband and I separated.
Suddenly, I had no social standing, and all the people who I thought were my friends disappeared overnight. It was a dark time. Then a couple of people rang me and said they wanted to spend time with me. I asked them, “Why now?”
One of them said, “Oh, I’ve wanted to be your friend for a long time now. But I had to wait until you got knocked off your pedestal and came down to earth again!” These people are still staunch friends today.
What I learned from that difficult time is that you can miss out on real friendships if you just focus on success. When we are vulnerable, down-to-earth, and modest, it’s easier to attract real friends.
But what is the secret of attracting friends?
It’s not what we do that attracts friends, it’s how we think. If we change how we think about others, we can become a magnet for new friends.
It’s seductive to focus on the faults of others. That’s because we often put other people down in the hope of elevating ourselves. But when we focus on what is lovely about others, something magical happens: We begin to feel different about them, and they in turn respond to us in a new, positive way.
Here are seven simple tips that will help you to attract new friends:
1. Focus on the good in people.
None of us is perfect. We all have traits that make us difficult to live with. It’s easy to focus on what is difficult. Instead, look for what is good and strong. If you do catch yourself focusing on negative aspects, remind yourself that you too have faults.
If you look at ancient Buddha figures, they usually show a serene smile. It’s a kind of visual teaching, because when we smile, we become mindful and step out of our preoccupation. No matter how you connect with others, remember to smile. Whether you’re connecting face-to-face, or via Twitter, email, chat, Skype, or phone, your inner and outer smile will be felt by the person you are connecting with.
3. Let go of grudges.
Do you stew over how others have treated you? It can be difficult to release yourself from negative thoughts about how someone harmed you or made you unhappy. Such negative thoughts are corrosive and will harden your heart. So let them go and focus on the beauty of the present moment instead.
4. Be a positive mirror for others.
I you want to be a friend to someone, make sure you let them know all the wonderful things you can see in them. There is a lovely poem by Galway Kinnell that talks about this:
… sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing.
This poem shows us what it is to be a good friend. We need to reteach our friends their loveliness, in words and in touch.
5. Be helpful.
The key to creating lasting friendships is to think about what you can do for friends. They key question is: what do they need? For example, a friend of mine recently lost her father. At a time like that, help is important. So I’ve been cooking meals for her, just to make things easier and to let her know that I care.
6. Be kind.
My aspiration in life is this: kindness is never out of place. Mind you, I don’t always manage to live up to it. But that’s the nature of aspirations—they are the stars by which we navigate our lives. Though they light up our path, we can never reach them.
7. Be grateful.
It’s easy to take friends for granted. But if you want to strengthen your friendships, do the opposite. Think of your friends with gratitude. And then express your gratitude to them in words and deeds. Everyone loves being valued.
The Six Magic Words That Make Friendships Happen
There are six magic words that make friendships happen. And it doesn’t matter whether the friendships are online or face-to-face. These six words are:
“What can I do for you?”
Yes, they are magic words. Because they not only touch the heart of others, they also transform our own heart. We begin to let go of an ego-centric view of the world where the main words are I, me, and mine. Instead, we start to appreciate the needs, wants, and hopes of others.
Can you think of someone right away who would benefit from the six magic words?
About Mary Jaksch
Mary Jaksch is a Zen Master who blogs at Goodlife ZEN where she offers practical inspiration for a happier life. Grab her free ebook Overcome Anything.
This post is in partnership with Inc., which offers useful advice, resources and insights to entrepreneurs and business owners. The article below was originally published atInc.com.
Have you noticed there are people who always seem to be more likable?
In a recent episode of the new ABC drama Mind Games, one of the characters mentions an interesting personality trait that defines the most popular people: they more readily admit their weaknesses rather than waiting for them to be revealed over time. The show is about using cunning tricks to manipulate others and ensure a positive outcome, so it’s a bit ridiculous, but there’s truth in the observation.
In the office, it’s possible to exhibit traits that help you to be more likable. In my years as a corporate manager and developing my writing career, I’ve noticed when people appear more likable and I’ve tried to develop these traits myself. Here’s a few to cultivate.
1. Ask questions.
I’ve noticed people who ask questions are often well-liked. It’s human nature to be helpful and we all have a great desire to share what we know. When someone appears to need our help, we tend to like them more because we like being the one who provides the answers.
2. Talk more, not less.
A friend of mine is a small business owner and he is extremely well liked. One of his strongest traits is that he tends to talk constantly. You never have to guess what he’s thinking. He’s not blunt or rude, but he explains things in detail. (Being an introvert, I need to develop this trait more in myself–and use texting and e-mail a little less often.)
3. Give your time…gratis.
A no-strings-attached approach to helping others also makes you more likable. Think of the person you like the most–usually, it’s someone who will help you with the copier machine or is willing to read through your business proposal in a pinch. Of course, those who help just to be liked always reveal a manipulative trait, so make sure you’re genuine.
4. Listen better.
I mentioned how talkers tend to be more likable, and that’s true. Sometimes, over-communicating puts people at ease. But it’s also important to pause once in a while and listen. Good communicators take a breath once in a while! Likable people are always listeners who are curious to (genuinely) learn new things. The best communicators talk and talk–and then listen for a response. That makes them an office favorite.
5. Really and truly care.
How do you develop the personality trait of caring? It can be difficult, especially in an age of social media where everyone is dangerously close to being a narcissist. Caring is an act of setting aside your own interests and ambitions for a while and helping others. It requires effort. You have to consciously decide you are going to care about someone else. When you do, and you are genuine about it, you’ll find that more people will like you.
6. Admit it, you don’t know everything.
We all know how important it is to steer clear of the office know-it-all. Why is that? Part of the reason is we know that person won’t ask for our help, and we like to be helpful. More importantly, those who have all of the answers are usually pushing their own agenda. In their conceited attitude, they exhibit a sense of pride that’s not attractive to anyone.
7. Go for the laugh, every time.
It’s hard to hate a jokester or someone who has a carefree approach to life. Usually, the most-liked people are those that can fill a room with laughter. It might not be in your nature to joke around, and that’s okay. Just make sure you are ready to see the humor in something. Be someone who can laugh easily and smile often. You’ll win people over.
8. Lighten up.
I will admit to struggling with this one. I’m a serious person with serious concerns! (Most of the time.) But it’s better to see the big picture in life. Really serious people are essentially acting selfish because they focus too much on their personal issues. Highly likable people at work are those who can set aside their concerns and go with the flow. They’re selfless.
9. Don’t be pushy.
Here’s an interesting one–and difficult trait to master. I went on a road trip with someone a few years ago, and I remember how he told me he doesn’t have highly distinct tastes. What does that really mean? For starters, he’s not that selfish and won’t push his preferences–he’ll go to lunch at any restaurant and listen to any form of music. He’s flexible. That makes him likable because he will adjust to the situation.
10. Admit your weaknesses.
That character on the show Mind Games is right: Admitting weaknesses makes you more likable. People figure them out on their own anyway. Of course, it’s important not to act like a victim or share your problems with everyone you meet. At work, it’s okay to go into a meeting and lead with the challenges you face. People are more likely to suggest a few solutions, come to your aid, and even pat you on the back.
Robert Hayes Robert is a freelance editor and writer living in Colorado. Read more August 20, 2020
Social media apps like Snapchat are built around a “friend” model. Friends in an app, much like friends in the real world, are the people with whom we interact the most and share the closest relationships. As anyone who experienced middle school or junior high can attest, the number and quality of friends that one possesses can become very important in assessing a person’s social standing.
It should come as no surprise that, just as in middle school, some people obsess over who’s displayed as their best friends in Snapchat. Snap Inc. keeps many of their algorithms a secret, but we’ve done the work in deciphering how Snapchat orders your best friends, how to get someone into your best friend list, and Snapchat’s reasoning for the way their algorithm works.
How are Snapchat’s Best Friends Ordered?
Prior to 2018, the algorithm for deciding whether a friend was a best friend was pretty straightforward, even if the exact details remained shrouded by Snapchat’s secrecy concerning the underlying rules of the app. Basically, Snapchat would look at your interactions with other users over the last seven days, and internally create an ordered list based on the number of times you sent people snaps, and the number of times that person sent snaps to you. Then the friends at the top of that ranking (usually from three to seven people) would be declared your best friends.
However, Snapchat modified their way of sorting your friends in early 2018. Their revised algorithm is more complicated, taking things like your group chat participation into account. The app also added a hierarchy of emojis that are assigned to various types of best friend. You can have a regular best friend, a best friend who has had that status for two weeks, a best friend for two months, an almost-best-friend, and more.
You can also have as many as eight best friends, making it hard to know who’s truly at the top spot. Finding out who is on your best friends list is easy: just tap the New Chat icon in the top right of the Snapchat home screen, and your best friends have their own section at the top of the friends list which will then appear.
Can You Edit Your Best Friends List?
Surely Snapchat understands that your Aunt Janet, even though you do snap with her every day, isn’t really your best friend; that’s actually Alex, the cool but kind of inaccessible person whose snaps you yearn for.
Alas, Snapchat doesn’t care about our opinions of who our friends ought to be; they care only about the outcome from their algorithm. So unlike the days of MySpace, there are no direct tools for modifying your friends list. However, a clever person who understands the way the app works does have considerable power to shape their best friends list in the direction they prefer. Let’s take a look at how to accomplish that.
You have two ways of getting someone off your best friends list and both are relatively simple. The first way, aka “The Nuclear Option” is to unfriend or even to block the person. Bam, they are off your friends list and off your best friends list as well. However, this could lead to ill feelings if the person is actually an important part of your life, and few of us would accept “I didn’t want you on my best friends list anymore” as a good reason to block or drop someone.
The second way is significantly more subtle: just stop interacting with them. You can’t control how many snaps they send you (which is still part of the algorithm) but you can refrain from responding. Usually a complete cutoff of communication will result in someone dropping off the best friends list within 24 hours. If your friends list isn’t very short, then a new best friend should replace them.
How to Make Someone Your Bestie
It takes a bit more work to proactively move someone onto your best friends list. Because the algorithm is looking at engagement over time, you can’t just volley a hundred messages with a friend in an hour and expect to appear on one another’s lists. It will take time and perseverance.
If you constantly engage with that person by sending them snaps and encouraging them to reply and engage back with you, then after a few days the algorithm should be able to recognize that there has been a fundamental change in the status of your relationship, and reward you with that prized emoticon in your friends list.
Who Can See Your Snapchat Best Friends?
Although you used to be able to view your friends’ Best Friends lists, Snapchat made this information private two years ago following the February 2018 update. It’s a bit of a bummer, but unfortunately, you can’t view this information anymore.
The Last Snap
I think it’s actually a mistake to try to game the Snapchat system to make sure that the “right people” are on your best friends list. If you let the algorithm work and just snap back and forth with the people you actually want to talk to, you’ll quickly find out who your real best friends are on the app.
Your Snapchat best friends do not have to be a mirror of your IRL best friends; in fact, that would be kind of pointless, because the whole idea of an app like Snapchat is to let you meet and hangout with people who aren’t readily available to you in the real world. Still, it’s easy to push specific friends into your bubble by snapping them again and again, and soon enough, you’ll have exactly who you want sitting in your list.
Did you know that some people hate spending time alone with themselves so much that they would rather endure painful electric shocks instead?
In a study published in the journal Science, University of Virginia psychology professor Timothy Wilson, along with Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert, found that people in the study didn’t even enjoy being alone for 6 to 10 minutes!
They first asked the participants to sit quietly in a room and do nothing for 6 to 15 minutes, and then rate the experience from 0 to 9. Most of the volunteers rated the experience a 5.
Now, for the interesting part; the researchers upped the ante a bit for the second half of the study, showing volunteers beautiful photographs and giving them slightly painful electric shocks. They then asked the volunteers how much they would pay to avoid the electric shocks if they could. After hearing the answers, the professors asked the participants to again sit in a room alone for 15 minutes. They had the option of pressing a button to shock themselves, which would feel like a painful static shock on their ankle.
The results? Of the 42 people who said they would rather pay than endure the shocks, two-thirds of men and one-quarter of women chose to shock themselves. One woman even pressed the button 190 times!
What does this tell you? For the most part, people would rather avoid being alone like the plague. They have no idea how to enjoy their own company or become their own best friend. However, learning to actually look forward to alone time rather than dreading it will enhance your life in many different ways.
Here are 5 things that happen when you become your own best friend:
1. You learn how to love yourself.
Like we said before, most people have no earthly idea how to love themselves, or even like themselves, because they can’t stand being alone. They would rather constantly escape themselves than endure five minutes of sitting in silence with their own thoughts and feelings. Many people spend their whole lives running away from themselves, just so they don’t have to deal with what they find. However, uncovering both the darkness and light within will yield beautiful new beginnings and discoveries about what you’re made of and who you are.
Once you start to become your own best friend, you will learn to treat yourself like you would any other friend. You will also learn how to have a real relationship with yourself, and not depend on others for love and attention.
2. Solitude won’t scare you anymore.
Many people feel afraid of the idea of spending time alone, but it shouldn’t scare you; in fact, it should liberate you. You don’t have to answer to anyone else or try to explain yourself to others; you can just BE, and take in the joy of simply being alive.
In solitude, you can find out more about yourself, and do things on your own clock. If you want to spend hours in nature, go do that. If you want to spend time gardening, drawing, or coloring, go do it. Spending time alone means learning what you like and don’t like, which will help you uncover more truths about yourself and peel back those layers you have on your soul.
3. All your relationships will improve.
Once you become your own best friend, you will magically see all the other relationships in your life improve. You will no longer have disconnected or strained relationships, because you will have started to mend everything disjointed and distant within yourself. If you want better, more meaningful relationships in your life, you must first learn how to be your best friend and love yourself no matter what. Do this, and you will have blossoming, wonderful relationships with others that seem effortless rather than exhausting.
4. Being your own best friend means creating your own happiness.
As you make a best friend out of yourself, it will become clear that nothing outside you should regulate your happiness. You hold the reigns, and you can gallop through the most beautiful field of wildflowers, or into the darkest, stormiest night. You get to make the choice, and only you can steer yourself toward a happier life. In becoming your own best friend, you will learn what makes you happy, and start doing more of that! We can’t learn to create our own happiness if we don’t take the time to explore ourselves and realize what brings our hearts the most joy.
5. You will feel more independent.
Nothing feels better than freeing yourself from expectations and dependency on others. Simply put, if you rely solely on other people for happiness, companionship, safety, or anything else, you will have NOTHING when they leave. You must cultivate all of this within yourself and truly realize that everything you need, you already have. You came to this Earth as a divinely created, complete being, so nothing is lacking within you. This world might have you think you need all these things outside yourself to feel happy, but don’t buy into that.
You have it all, and once you understand this and choose to live from a belief of abundance rather than scarcity or inadequacy, you will have the best friend possible by your side: yourself.
As many people in their 50s have discovered, making friends as an adult is difficult. Without the social bonds that connect us to others as parents, many of us feel isolated — or even a little lonely.
The truth is that it is possible to have an active social life at any age — but, first, we need to accept the fact that making friends after 50 is an active process. We can no longer afford to wait for other people to come to us. We need to take action.
This is the main reason that I decided to build Boomerly . I wanted to create a place where older adults could go to meet like-minded people. Along the way, I had the opportunity to talk with hundreds of people about their experiences making friends as an adult. Through these conversations, I learned that the people who succeed in building meaningful friendships as an adult are the ones that follow these four steps.
Step 1: Start by Getting to Know Yourself
When you ask people how to make friends as an adult, they usually give you suggestions like, “just get out there,” “join a dance class,” or, “try speed dating.” On the surface, these are fine suggestions. After all, making friends does require us to get out into the world and take a few emotional risks .
Most of the time, however, we are not lacking for ideas on where to meet people. We are missing the motivation, confidence and self-esteem to get started. For this reason, most people find that reconnecting with themselves is a prerequisite to reconnecting with others.
Think back over the last five decades. Have you spent most of your life looking after other people? Have you left your own passions on the back-burner? Have you let your physical appearance go as you focused on raising your family? Do you feel a bit emotionally bruised by the disappointments that you have faced over the years? Do you have regrets that are holding you back?
Dealing with these issues won’t happen overnight. Be gentle with yourself. If you don’t feel like “getting out there” right away, don’t force yourself. Instead, identify the issues that you can control in your life and focus on those.
Step 2: Develop Your Physical and Emotional Resources
If you feel tired, out of shape, or sad, most of the time, making friends is going to be extremely difficult. Fortunately, there are plenty of simple things that you can do to increase your physical and emotional resources.
Most people don’t realize just how disconnected from their bodies they have become until it is too late. Fitness after 50 is not about looking a certain way for other people. It is about having the energy and confidence to explore the world and make friends on your own terms.
Start small. Use the 1-minute technique to gradually increase your commitment to exercise. Get out into nature. Set a timer to remind yourself to get up every hour to stretch. Try gentle yoga.
Then, as your confidence and stamina improve, increase your level of commitment. Join a local gym or see if your community center has fitness equipment that you can use. Find a sport that you love. Whatever you do, do something.
While you build up your body, don’t forget to nourish your mind. Write down one thing every day that you are grateful for. Spend a few minutes every day in meditation or prayer. Learn to become your own best friend.
Step 3: Chase Your Passions, Not People
When people tell you to “get out there and make friends,” they are telling you to chase people. There are several problems with this approach. First, it puts other people on a pedestal. They are the prize to be won. Second, chasing other people simply doesn’t work. By this point in our lives, we know that the best way to push someone away is to follow them.
The alternative is to approach relationship building from a position of strength. Instead of chasing people, we need to chase our passions. This is the only way to meet people on an equal footing.
What have you always been passionate about? Are there any activities, sports, hobbies or skills that you sacrificed to give your family more attention? What fascinates you? What are you curious about? What gets you excited? These are the questions that you need to answer to make friends after 50.
Step 4: Be Proactive and Invite People Into Your Life
By the time you reach this step, you will be in great shape. You will have a better understanding of who you are and the kinds of people you want to attract. Perhaps most importantly, you will have recommitted yourself to exploring your passions and getting the most from life after 50. Now it’s time to invite people into your life.
As you explore the world, you will meet hundreds of people who share your interests. Don’t settle for acquaintances. Look for opportunities to bring people deeper into your life. Organize movie nights. Invite small groups over to your house for cocktails. Propose hiking trips. The specifics aren’t important. Just don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. They usually won’t.
Making friends as an adult is possible, but, it requires a new approach. Instead of relying on our social circumstances to bring people into our lives, we need to take the initiative. We need to learn to understand ourselves. We must build our confidence. We need to pursue our passions, not people. Then, when the time comes, we need to reach out and invite people into our lives.
What do you think are the secrets to making friends as an adult? Do you agree that the first step to improving our relationships with others is to learn to understand ourselves? Why or why not? Please join the conversation and “like” and share this article to keep the discussion going.
Here are a few additional articles from Boomerly that you may find useful:
Your best friend’s birthday is basically just as exciting as your own. As BFF, it’s your duty to make sure the PB to your J has the best day ever. That might mean taking the reigns as party planner. Your usual go-to may be heading to a nice restaurant with your best friend’s entire squad, but this year, you’re looking for things to do on your best friend’s birthday besides brunch or dinner.
It’s fun to spice things up, and who doesn’t love a good birthday surprise? Plan something different to show your best friend that you put extra thought into their special day. It can be a total throwback to the parties you used to have growing up, or something brand new you’ve never done before. Either way, it will all be worth it when you see the smile on your bestie’s face.
Don’t worry if you’re fresh out of ideas. As a birthday-obsessed person who loves celebrating, coming up with party ideas is one of my favorite things to do. Look over any of these 11 birthday ideas, and see what would be perfect for your BFF’s big day. Then, have the best time celebrating your favorite person ever.
1. Hit Up The Bowling Lanes
Bowling is such a simple, but fun, party idea you may forget about it. Get a whole group together and rent out two lanes. Make it a competition or bowl for fun. You could even dress up in retro vintage clothes to make the Instagram pics from the night 10 times better.
2. Organize A Themed Movie Night
Instead of going to the movie theater and dishing out cash on tickets, drinks, popcorn, and snacks, you could have your very own movie night at home. Make it a themed evening of your best friend’s favorite movies. Get all the different kinds of candies you’d usually get, and make a cozy sitting area with blankets and pillows.
3. Have A Picnic In The Park, Complete With Games And Cupcakes
Invite all of your bestie’s friends for a chill day spent in the park. Have a picnic and bring along a few balls to toss around. It’ll be fun sippin’ lemonade and eating cupcakes in the sun, and a super easy party to put together last-minute.
4. Schedule A Private Exercise Class For Your Whole Squad
If your friend loves to check out new exercise classes on the regular, you might want to schedule a private class just for them and your friends. It could be something like hot yoga, lyra, or a bungee fitness class.
5. Treat Your Favorite Person To A Relaxing Day At The Spa
Birthdays are prime days to treat yourself. A full day of pampering should be on the menu for the birthday queen вЂ” and that might mean planning a spa day.
Depending on how much you want to spend, you could go to a luxury spa or do at-home face masks and manis. You might even want to schedule blowout appointments at Drybar, complete with Champagne (if you’re 21 or older).
6. Hit Up A Foodie Festival
If your best friend is a major foodie, they’ll love spending the day at a food festival. With lots of different stands and trucks, you can try a ton of new foods that are also incredible Instagram-worthy. Smorgasburg in New York is a great place to check out this idea.
7. Have A ’90s-Inspired Roller Skating Party
For anyone who’s feeling nostalgic, you might want to find a roller rink for your BFF’s party. Dress up in neon clothes, and skate around to the music. Bring along a Polaroid camera, and you’ll take the cutest pics to remember the day forever.
8. Embark On A Mini Road Trip
Sometimes, it’s fun to hit the road and get out of town for the day. Have a mini best friend road and explore a new place. You can go to the beach, hike, shop around at charming boutiques, or check out a cool cafГ© for lattes.
9. Rent A Private Room For A Karaoke Night
Karaoke is always a solid choice for a birthday game plan. Rent a private room and sing like you’re a total pop star. A private room also ensures that everyone gets the chance to sing their fave tunes.
10. Head To A Pool For Sips And Soaking Up The Sun
If your bestie has a summer birthday, you might want to plan a pool party. Bring along one (or three) oversized pool inflatables to take selfies together while lounging on it. Mix up fruit smoothies, and really seas the birthday.
If you decide to head to a venue that’s hosting a pool party, consider rounding up a group of people to rent a cabana. You’ll spend the day enjoying some sips (if you’re 21 or older) and soaking up those beautiful rays.
11. Put Together A Baking Contest For The Sweetest Birthday Treats
It wouldn’t be a birthday without some cake, am I right? Host a baking party and make it fun by having it be a contest. Have everyone try to make the best treats for your best friend to enjoy.
APR 15 1976, APR 16 1976; EMPLOYES AT DEPARTMENT OF LABOR PRACTICE COMMUNICATION; Shauna Edgeman and . [+] George Dayton, foreground; Joe Bray and Ella Bryan, attended a Dale Carnegie class conducted during Federal Women’s Week.; (Photo By Bill Peters/The Denver Post via Getty Images)
After you graduate college it becomes harder to make friends and connections with people who are not your colleagues. But much of success is about building a network and making friends in your industry, and that involves making people like you. But how do you make friends as an adult? How do you make people like you? It seems like a subjective process, but there are universal techniques you can use to help you make small talk a bit more easily. Leaders like Warren Buffet swear by How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and the lessons of Carnegie have stood the test of time. They are classic principles in the best sense, and the fundamentals of this book are still applicable generations later. These principles do not revolve around trends or fads, they are just the building blocks of social intelligence, and how practicing good social skills can improve your life. Here are the 10 best, classic lessons we learn from Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People:
1. Do Not Criticize, Condemn or Complain
Carnegie writes, “Any fool can criticize, condemn or complain- and most fools do.” He continues on to say that it takes character and self-control to be forgiving, this discipline will pay major dividends in your relationships with people.
2. Be Generous With Praise
Carnegie uses Schwab as an example throughout the book, as someone who exemplifies all of the tenets Carnegie preaches. Schwab used praise as the foundation of all of his relationships, “In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted in their station who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than they would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
3. Remember Their Name
Remembering people’s names when you meet them is difficult. You casually meet a lot of people so it’s challenging, but if you can train yourself to remember people’s names, it makes them feel special and important. Carnegie writes, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
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4. Be Genuinely Interested In Other People
Remembering a person’s name, asking them questions that encourage them to talk about themselves so you discover their interests and passions are what make people believe you like them, so they in turn like you. Carnegie writes, “You make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” If you break it down, you should listen 75% and only speak 25% of the time.
5. Know The Value Of Charm
One things people do not discuss much in the job search industry is that so much of getting an opportunity is not about talent, where you went to college or who you know, it is people liking you. A good resume may get you in the door, but charm, social skills and talent keep you there, and people will normally pick someone they enjoy being around over a candidate they don’t enjoy being around as much but is more talented. Become someone people want to talk to, be genuinely interested in other people, because it will enrich your life and open so many more doors than you ever thought possible.
6. Be Quick To Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes
Nothing will make people less defensive and more agreeable than you being humble and reasonable enough to admit your own mistakes. Having strong and stable personal and professional relationships relies on you taking responsibility for your actions, especially your mistakes. Nothing will help end tension or a disagreement more than a swift acknowledgment and apology on your part.
7. Don’t Attempt To “Win” An Argument
The best way to win any argument, Carnegie writes, is to avoid it.Even if you completely dismantle someone’s argument with objective facts, you won’t be any closer to reaching an agreement than if you made personal arguments. Carnegie cited an old saying: “A man convinced against his will/Is of the same opinion still.”
8. Begin On Common Ground
If you are having a disagreement with someone, you start on common ground and ease your way into the difficult subjects. If you begin on polarizing ground, you’ll never be able to recover, and may lose ground with subjects on which you agree.
9. Have Others Believe Your Conclusion Is Their Own
People can not be forced to believe anything, and persuasive people understand the power of suggestion over demand. Learn to plant the seed, and instead of telling people they’re wrong, find the common ground and persuade them that what they really want is your desired outcome (obviously without telling them that is the case).
10. Make People Feel Important
Smiling, knowing people’s names, praising people, making an effort to know their interests and chat about them make people feel important. That is the underlying point of all of the above principles. If you make people feel important, how you walk through the world will be an exponentially more pleasant and incredible experience.
Not that you HAVE to, of course, but if you’ve had it up to here? It might be time.
1. People who can never remember when your birthday is.
If someone you regularly hang out with can’t be bothered to remember your birthday, or what it is you do at work these days, or what the name of your coffee shop crush is, or how much money s/he owes you, consider that this person might not be so much your friend as s/he is a mere body to which you are sometimes adjacent. Friends (at least sometimes!) do things for you that inconvenience them. Friends take up valuable memory hard drive space for you. Of COURSE levels vary, and we won’t have the same expectations of the high school friends we see twice annually, but if you’re hanging out with someone regularly and they don’t seem to know ANYthing that’s going on with you, why?
2. People who can’t stop correcting you.
You know when someone’s like, “ACTUALLY, it’s pronounced hoo-moose, not hum-us”? First of all, nobody normal says it like that, so shut up. Second of all, what we mean here is that it’s exhausting (and dispiriting!) to be friends with someone who consistently makes you feel stupid. These are the know-it-alls, and the people who make you feel like you should be ashamed for not having read whatever book or seen whatever documentary. These are the people who REFUSE to acknowledge that you’re capable of understanding whatever it is they’re trying to say. Conversations with these people are heavy on interruption and the dismissive “wellllllll” and light on anything enjoyable.
3. People who wait for YOU to make plans (and then almost always cancel).
Check out your text history. Is it noticeably one-sided? Filled with various iterations of the “I’m so sorry, I’m the WORST, but I actually need to bail tonight” message? The thing is, habitually blowing someone off IS the worst, and acknowledging it isn’t enough to fix it. Everyone in the whole world is busy, which is why we carve out time specifically for the people we love. It’s important, and it’s necessary. Prioritize the people who prioritize you.
4. People who never want to do what you want to do.
Listen, there’s no inherently bad pastime (unless, I don’t know, you’re really into bullying? Or murder?). But if your friend wants to dance until 3 in the morning, and you’re really in the mood for some Cards Against Humanity, or if, when Friday comes around, she’s begging you to join her in a loud bar with some stiff drinks and you’d rather stay home with your new vaporizer and your backed-up Hulu queue, there’s a bigger issue at hand. Free time is a limited and valuable commodity, and if the ways in which you and your friend choose to spend it are incompatible, it might speak to your own incompatibility. People change, as do their habits, and if neither of you are into compromising, it’s time to move on.
5. People who never tell you why they’re mad, even though you know they’re so mad.
Is this a conversation you want to have upward of 2,000 times in the span of a few years?
You: “What’s wrong?”
You: “It seems like you’re mad at me?”
Friend: “Well I’M NOT.”
Confrontations are not easy, but the ability to have them is pretty much mandatory for any close relationship. It is better to have them (and make friends with people who can have them) than to simmer with rage, in silence, until all our hair falls out and our bones shrivel and we die.
6. People who will only hang out with you when their S.O. is completely unavailable and/or out of the country.
You are going to see your friends less often when they’re in romantic relationships, probably, and it is going to be so stupid. But a little understandable. But a lot stupid. But if you’re seeing them WAY less often, and are being canceled on in circumstances like the time Carrie bailed on dinner with Miranda so she could cook veal with Big (leaving aside the fact that this worked out well for Miranda because that’s when Miranda met Steve, but that’s beside the point), that’s bullshit. Maintaining strong friendships while in a romantic relationship can be challenging, so it’s great to find people who will actually work at it rather than squeezing you in only when there is literally no way to hang out with their significant other that night.
(Saudi Arabi – Jeddah)
How to ask someone to be your friend. If I would like to ask somebody to be my friend can I say :
Can we be friends?
Yes you can! It is perfectly correct to say “Can we be friends?” There are several ways to ask this question:
*Would you like to be friends?
*Want to be my friend?
*Could we be friends? (A bit more polite or shy)
*Do you want to be friends (with me)?
*Are we friends? (If you wan to confirm your friendship)
Those are just some of the ways that you can ask someone if they would like to be friends with you.
Does anyone else know of other ways to ask someone to be their friends? Leave a comment and letвЂ™s compare what you think! -Diana
Comments for How to ask someone to be your friend?
What if the person i want to be friends with is at a work place?
I spent some time with a person and it seemed nice and talked and laughed. But its in a work place so how can i show that i want to be friends.
Thanks for the advice.
I would say meeting outside of work is the best way to show you want to be friends, rather than just co-workers. You could suggest you meet up for coffee, lunch or even better doing an activity that you both enjoy.
Thanks for raising this up, Jeddah.
I was just wondering, if
is it is natural in real life that you to ask a person if you could be friends? If so, would people say this the first time they meet? Thank you
Hi PBF, GOOD QUESTION! I was going to mention this in my first response but I didn’t. I should have! So here it is. Asking someone directly to be your friend is NOT natural.
It is a little strange to ask someone directly to be friends. It usually just happens. You just spend time with new people and gradually become friends. There is no real need to ask directly. Thanks for asking that awesome question!
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Meeting new friends can be tough, often because you have the daunting task of conveying interest without conveying too much interest. So how do you ask a person out on a friend date without it being too awkward? We asked for advice, and here’s what we learned.
Before we get started, let’s define this situation a little bit. Sometimes you find yourself waiting in a long line for coffee, a movie, or an ice cream sandwich and you end up talking to a cool guy or girl. You think, hey, I’d like to be friends with this person. You also think that might be a little strange since you’ve had a conversation for maybe 10 minutes with a complete stranger. Nonetheless, you like this person and you think you’d like to have them as a friend. You decide to ask them out on a friend date. But what do you say? That’s what we’re dealing with in this post.
Be Clear: This Is Not a Date
Although we’d like to say that gender combinations have no effect on this situation, they do to some extent. A guy asking a guy to hang out is going to be a little different than a girl asking a girl for the same. It gets a little more complicated when you mix up the sexes, because there’s a general assumption that spending time together translates to a date of the more romantic variety. It’s important to be clear about your intentions, and since you’ll be in the midst of a conversation before you, er, pop the question, you’ll have an opportunity to express them. Therapist Roger S. Gil offers a few suggestions for handling this sort of situation:
Falling in love with your best friend is a very common tale. You’ve walked that road. Now you want to know how to make her fall in love with you. The good news is that you’ve already accomplished the hardest part.
The Hard Work Is Done
When it comes to getting a girl to fall in love with you, creating an emotional connection and a sense of trust and safety are the hardest things to do. You’ve already done this — that’s why you two are best friends. What you need to do now is change the dynamic of your relationship, moving from trusted friend to the type of man she can see herself having passion with.
To get her to reciprocate your love, you’re going to need to start setting boundaries. What this means is that you need to stop being there for all her emotional needs. For example, if she’s always coming to you to complain about her love life, you need to set a boundary that stops that. It doesn’t have to be some grand declaration; It can be very simple actions, for example, don’t respond to her texts or screening her calls using voice mail until you know why she wants to talk.
The biggest way that you’re going to start changing the dynamic of your relationship is to flirt. But how to flirt? Here’s a couple tips on making it happen the right way:
- Keep It Light: When it comes to flirting, you want to be playful. Think of yourself as being a self-amused little boy. Make her laugh, make her smile, get her having fun. Don’t take it too seriously and don’t go into it looking for her approval or acceptance. Remember, it’s a game and games are supposed to be fun.
- Roll With the Punches: When you start joking around and flirting, she’s going to make jokes to test you and see how well you react. The good news is that if she’s doing this, it means she’s interested. You just need to roll with it. For example, if she says something like “Too bad you’re short or else we could date,” you say “Too bad you’re so tall!” You can also say things that deflate the joke like “You’re like my little sister — cute, but annoying.”
Above all don’t get flustered or ruffled. Remember, you’re self-amused and don’t need anyone else’s approval.
Leave Her Wanting More
Whether you’re trying to get your best friend to fall in love with you or a girl you just met, leaving her wanting more is one of the best tools to have in the box. How do you do that?
- Time: Get together for short things that allow you two to have fun together for a set period of time. Good examples of these kinds of dates include going to comedy shows, a round of mini golf or going to a carnival together.
- Talk: At a high point during the interaction, tell her how much fun you’re having, but no more than twice on a single date. Make sure to tell her that you’re attracted to her for reasons other than her appearance.
- Touch: Touching dramatically increases intimacy. Her forearms, shoulders and upper back are totally “safe” places where you can touch her. Plus, touching her gives her permission to start touching you.
Combine these three and she’s going to start spending a lot of time missing you when you aren’t around.
Build Your Confidence
It’s true: The sexist thing to a woman is confidence. Getting your best friend to fall in love with you is going to require you building your confidence. I know what you’re thinking: Easier said than done. But you can build your confidence. Here’s how:
- Better Body Language: Adopting the body language of a confident man will eventually make you more confident. Smile a lot and do “body checks” throughout the day: Are you standing up straight, for example? You’ll be amazed at how much difference this makes and how quickly it makes it.
- Get Used to Talking to Women: Whenever you have the time, go out and talk to women. It doesn’t matter if this is at your favorite bar or a strip club: The point is to get comfortable with talking to beautiful women without getting rattled. Talk to women without trying to pick them up. Instead, just get used to being around them and chatting.
- Act As If: “Act as if” is also known as “fake it until you make it.” It’s scientifically proven to work. If you want to be a confident guy, take a look around you and see how confident men act. Pretend that you’ve already achieved your goal. It will bring you that much closer to actually achieving it.
- Get Physical: A lot of guys lack confidence because they’re not in touch with their bodies. If you aren’t exercising regularly, do it. Not only is it good for you, it’s going to get you feeling better about yourself. If you’re having trouble getting motivated, start going with a buddy.
- Treat Yourself: One way to start feeling more confident instantly is to get some new threads. Dig through men’s magazines and then hit up the mall or a hip vintage store. If you’re not much of a clotheshorse, ask the sales girl for help. Even a new pair of jeans and a t-shirt can have you feeling like a million bucks. Ditto on a haircut.
Just a few simple things can start unlocking the confidence that you already have within — and getting your best friend to fall in love with you.
AJ Harbinger – author of 1124 posts on The Art of Charm
AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born. View all posts by AJ Harbinger →
2 Comments on “How to Make Your Best Friend Fall in Love With You”
Awesome advice. Think i have been doing it all wrong. But i started these tips a couple days ago and i am noticing she is already texting me to see what i am doing. We have been friends for a few years now and yes we had sex a few times but she looks at me more as a friend and needs me all the time to help her out. Well i cut that out in good way by saying my car isn’t working and i stopped texting her. I know if i follow through with theae six steps my chances are going to increase considerably as I know she does care for me. Thank you so much
Making plans without them flaking is just an illusion.
“Yaaaaaaas, I can’t wait to see you. It’s been too long!” your friend says in response to your text the day you’re supposed to hang. Sure, they’ve flaked and given vague last-minute excuses the last two times you had set plans, but you’re both adults with busy lives. In fact, they’re probably way more swamped than you. And anyway, you’ll have all the more things to catch up on now!
Except. they just cancelled again.
“I’m so sorry, I’m the worst! 🙁 I totally spaced on my friend’s birthday tonight. Next week tho! I’m totally open!”
This, right here, is a mirage friend. They make seemingly concrete plans, genuinely act like they’re thrilled to see you and then, out of nowhere (and usually with very short notice), tell you whoops, they can’t make it. The concept of seeing them IRL is an illusion, and you keep falling for it. So why do you still hold onto them?
They Think Being BFFs Gives Them A Flaky-Free Pass
It’s more than just being forgetful – mirage friends can be taking advantage of your relationship, too. Dr. Katherine Hawley, Professor of Philosophy at the University of St Andrews, Scotland explains that these types of friends “sometimes feel free to treat close friends and family worse than not-so-close friends – [they] rely on close friends to forgive [them], to understand, to move on without feeling resentful.” A best friend who you’ve known since childhood might feel much more lax about ditching you unexpectedly and that history together can make you feel much more conflicted about dropping them altogether. It especially stings when they don’t even bother crafting a semi-believable excuse and just hit you with a “Sorry girl, too tired from work. Rain check!”
It’s why lesser mirage friends (AKA, people you’re not that close to and rarely see due to mutually rescheduled plans) are so much easier to forgive. “[Everyone knows] people who are totally unreliable, but so much fun that it’s worth sticking with them,” says Hawley. “That can be healthy, so long as you have other, more reliable friends too, and you’re not missing out on too many opportunities to do other fun things when that friend cancels.”
You’re Not Sure If You Can Trust Them With Anything
If upholding plans they made with you a week ago is an impossible task for them, it can seem unfathomable that they could fulfill the bigger roles of being a friend, like being there when you actually need them. “This kind of flakiness means that either the friend isn’t really focusing on your needs, or else that they want to be reliable, but are just incapable of getting themselves together,” says Dr. Hawley.
Hawley says there’s an exception to be made if the unreliability is more recent or could be indicative of your friend going through their own tough time (in which case, forgiving them and reaching out to better support them is a good call). But if their unreliability has been going on forever and there’s no good reason for it, it can make you feel deeply unsupported.
“Constantly being let down makes us feel disrespected, even unloved, and that is tough to experience from a best friend,” warns Dr. Hawley. “We need to feel that we are somebody’s priority, not their afterthought.”
They Make You Feel Like The Lamest Person On Earth
There are a million memes about ditching plans because you just got home and changed into sweatpants – who hasn’t been there? But a mirage friend doesn’t just cancel for the sake of a Netflix night-in – they cancel to replace your plans with something cooler. Seeing your mirage friend’s robust social life on Instagram makes you feel like you just don’t make the cut when it comes to plans they commit to.
“If everyone else wants to hang out with her, it’s very tempting to think there’s something special going on,” says Hawley. Figuring out exactly why they keep asking to hang out instead of just fading away is exhausting, but you also want to crack the code: are they always flaking because better plans came along?
The thing is, if that’s the truth, they are absolutely not a friend, and having to worry that you’re not cool enough to prioritize is the most colossal waste of time imaginable. If this happens enough to consistently make you upset, and you’ve done nothing about it, you have to ask yourself why.
“Sometimes people put up with being treated badly by flaky friends because their own self-esteem is low, and they don’t realize that they deserve better than this,” says Dr. Hawley. “You need to think about whether you’re putting up with this because you want to, or because you feel you have to.”
They Won’t Change Their Mirage-y Ways
If you really, really like this friend and know that they’re a mirage friend to everyone equally, it’s absolutely worth calling them out on it. “If it’s just thoughtlessness, it can be more effective to raise this next time you’re making plans, rather than getting mad when she lets you down,” says Dr. Hawley. It can be anything from asking for advanced notice if they cancel or suggesting weekend lunch plans if their evening plans always seemed derailed by last-minute office work.
Sometimes they’ll say sorry after realizing how often they do this and hit you up more often going forward. Other times, they’ll apologize, promise to change, and continue flaking anyway, because firing off endless “I’m sorry!” texts is easier for them than actually being your friend. At least then, you’ll have your answer as to whether you should keep them in your life. There are plenty of imaginary plans you can spend time coordinating with your mirage friends. Think of all the solid plans you could have with your real ones.
“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.”
The other night I called an old friend I hadn’t talked to in a while. As we caught up, shared stories, and laughed over private jokes that would sound ridiculous had the phone been tapped, I wondered why I let so much time go by since I’d last given her a call.
We don’t live close to each other, so grabbing a drink or hitting up a yoga class isn’t an option. But really connecting with her, sharing pieces of my life and receiving the pieces she wants to give, doesn’t require specific geography.
We can be great friends to each other, despite the distance, if we choose to make the effort. If we remember to make the time, we can have those types of meaningful, fulfilling conversations that make us feel seen, understood, appreciated, and supported.
Then I started to think about all the times when I’ve gotten busy and lost touch with friends who live right down the street—times when I got caught up in everything going on in my life and forgot to nurture my relationships.
We need meaningful connections with other people.
Not everyone has to be a close friend, but it’s integral to our happiness that we show people who we truly are, allow ourselves to know them in return, and then remind each other through actions—small or large—that we care.
We never need to be or feel alone in this world, but it’s up to us to create and allow opportunities to be together, enjoy each other, and be there for each other. It’s up to us to make our relationships priorities.
With this in mind, I recently asked on Facebook, “What does it mean to be a true friend?”
I compiled some of the ideas that resonated strongly with me (some of them paraphrased or slightly altered for ease of reading).
Here’s what Tiny Buddha readers had to say:
1. Always be there, even in silence. (Nerrisa Nam)
2. Be kind and listen. Be fun and light. Be serious when needed, love extensively, and forgive always. (Sandra Lumb)
3. Don’t be scared to tell each other the truth, no matter how difficult it may be. (Eva Valencia)
4. Guide each other in times of need with your honest opinions. (Ashna Singh)
5. A true friend is someone who always listens and is genuinely interested in the good and bad, and someone who calls or writes just to say hello. (Kimberly McCarthy)
6. Be loyal in confidence and character, always open and inviting to share concerns, always honest even if you disagree. (Peggy Turner Beatty)
7. A true friend tries his best to cheer you up when you are upset and makes you feel special. (Kalpana Tewani)
8. Try and improve their life though your friendship. (Barry Cassidy)
9. Be who you truly are, be that vulnerable, and provide the other person the space, safety and choice to do the same. (Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt)
10. Be genuinely happy when they get, receive, or achieve something you truly desire. (Heather Tucker)
11. Share the truth in your heart, without the fear of misunderstandings. (Ricardo Marques)
12. Be loyal and forgive but above all: love and respect. (Casey Jo Wagner)
13. Accept the person as they are, as an individual, without conditions. Also, as important as it is for you to be there for them, sometimes you have to be willing to let them be there for you. (Casey Kimes)
14. Remain friends despite a person’s choices in life and don’t bail on them when they aren’t who you want them to be. (Kim Shaw)
15. A true friend always supports the person but doesn’t feel compelled to support the situation. A true friend knows how and when to say the firm, “No.” (Leslie Mollay)
16. Help yourself and those closest to you grow. To live means to grow, and a true friend is someone that you can honestly say has helped define you as an individual. (Kevin Ball)
17. Celebrate the wins and be there to support the losses. Keep your word and acknowledge it when you don’t. (Margalit Ward)
18. Walk in to a friend’s aid when others are walking out. (Larry Stilts)
19. Don’t hold grudges over petty disagreements. (Annika de Korte)
20. Show up! You can pretend to care but you cannot pretend to show up. (Sherri Levy)
21. A true friend is someone you feel as comfortable with as you do when you are by yourself. No illusions, no holding back. (Liz McConomy)
22. Be there for the other person in the same way you would be there for yourself. Granted, if you can’t be there for yourself, that’s probably something you should address first. (Elizabeth McDaniels)
23. Don’t let your own stuff get in the way. The ego is powerful. (Sabrina Toffey)
24. Know someone’s least admirable characteristics and still love and support them. (Talia Startsman)
And I’ll add the last: share honest appreciation every chance you get.
I don’t know all of you, but I’ve gotten to know quite a few. To all the beautiful, inspiring people who come here and share pieces of themselves, thank you for being you and for taking me, just as I am.
Do you have anything to add to the list?
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.