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This article was co-authored by Cherlyn Chong. Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach for high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She is also an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.
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Dealing with a cheating spouse may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. There’s no right answer when it comes to deciding whether or not you want to make things work. All you can do is communicate with your spouse, listen to yourself, and decide whether or not your relationship is worth saving. If you do decide you want to make things work, then you have to take things one day at a time while remembering to take care of yourself.
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.
- When a spouse is having an affair, it’s rarely about the third person. Unless that spouse thinks he’s truly started a meaningful relationship with a third party, most of the time, it’s really an expression of the cheater’s dissatisfaction with himself or the marriage. If you focus too much on the other man or other woman, then you won’t be thinking about your spouse or the relationship.
- Though knowing some things about the affair can bring you comfort, you may not want to know too much about what the other person looks like, what he does for a living, or any other details that are likely to distract you or to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s just not worth it.
Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She’s the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.
Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.
Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin
Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can hit you like a ton of bricks. Your marriage may be thrown into a state of crisis that may destroy it.
It is natural to want to know why your partner cheated, but there is rarely a simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in your marriage, it could relate to something in your partner’s past, or it could be totally unrelated to you or to your marriage. No matter the cause, you’ll have a lot of complicated feelings to sort through, and a lot to think about as you decide how to move forward. These eight tips can help you cope with the aftermath of betrayal:
Accept Your Feelings
Shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are normal. You will likely feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don’t expect the mixture of feelings and the mistrust to go away even if you’re trying to forgive your partner and repair your marriage. Your marriage has changed and it is natural to grieve the relationship you once had.
Don’t Seek Revenge
Being betrayed by your partner can induce rage. In your furious state, your first instinct may be to punish your mate by trash-talking him to friends (or worse, on social media), or think about having an affair yourself to get even. You may get a temporary sense of satisfaction from these sorts of actions, but ultimately they can work against you, keeping you in a state of anger instead of focusing on healing and moving on, alone or together.
Think before you tell your family, as well. They will likely have strong opinions about what you should do—leave or stay. But nobody else really understands what goes on in another person’s marriage. While you are pondering how you’re going to proceed, it’s best to keep the details private.
Try to Take Care of Yourself
You may have some physical reactions due to stress such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating, not wanting to eat, or overeating. Once the initial shock has passed, try your best to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water, and, yes, to have some fun.
Avoid the Blame Game
Blaming yourself, your partner, or the third party won’t change anything and it’s just wasted energy. Try not to play the victim, either, if you can help it, or wallow in self-pity. It will only make you feel more helpless and bad about yourself.
Keep Your Kids out of It
This situation is between you and your partner and should not involve your children. Even if you have decided to end your marriage, sharing details about an affair will only put your kids in an untenable position, causing them anxiety, making them feel stuck in the middle, and forced to take sides.
Don’t try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone. Before you make any decisions about whether or not to end your marriage, it’s wise to talk to a couple’s counselor, who will be neutral and can help you gain insight into what exactly happened. You can ask your partner questions and share your feelings without losing your cool.
An experienced therapist can help you communicate better and process feelings of guilt, shame, and whatever else you might be feeling. If you decide to end the marriage, you ‘ll know that you tried your best to make it work.
If you suspect that the affair will most likely lead to the end of your marriage, give some thought to practical matters, such as where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, and, if you have kids, the type of custody arrangement you want. You may also want to consider asking your partner to be tested for STDs, and to get yourself tested as well if you have had sex during or after the affair.
Take It One Day at a Time
Infidelity is one of the more difficult challenges a marriage can face, but it doesn’t always mean it’s the end. As you work through the aftermath over time, it will become clear how to go forward so that the next phase of your life, together or apart, can begin.
She may not be cheating but, what if she is?
- University of Florida
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How often do women cheat? According to Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D. the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia 14 percent of married women cheat. In other words, the chances of a wife cheating are slim in spite of what you may read on a lot of internet sites.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to know the statistics about how often wives are accused of cheating compared to the actual statistics? And one has to wonder, if husbands were more aware of the low percentage of wives who cheat would they find it easier to trust and let go of any suspicions?
Sometimes a wife’s behavior can indicate cheating, just because there are indications and suspicions though does not mean there is cheating. My first piece of advice to anyone who doesn’t have definitive proof of cheating is to not let your suspicions get away with you and don’t make accusations of infidelity unless you’re absolutely sure there is an issue to be dealt with.
If You’re Absolutely Certain Your Wife is Cheating:
1. Don’t go all alpha male on the other man. Sure, he has encroached on your territory, has stepped in where he doesn’t belong but, threats or physical violence from you will land you in jail and push your wife further into his arms. And, like the old saying goes, “when you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.” Your wife and the other man have lowered their standard, that doesn’t mean you have to also.
2. Check your emotions before exposing her secret. When you discover the infidelity you will experience many different emotions. You will fear losing your wife, your marriage ending and of course the shame of knowing that marital trust has been broken. If your desire is to save your marriage you need to check your emotions and come at this problem with a level head. If your desire is to divorce, you will fare better during the divorce process if you don’t allow your emotions to guide your decisions.
3. If your desire is to save your marriage I urge you to talk to a therapist before confronting your wife. A therapist can help you process the information and emotions and guide you in the steps you need to take to save the marriage.
4. Build a good support system but don’t share your marital problems with anyone who will listen. It is important that you know you are not alone, that you have a confidant to go to when your emotions get the best of you. Choose a good friend or trusted family member to confide in but don’t allow your anger to cause you to spread the word to too many people. If you are able to save your marriage, you don’t want people judging you or your wife. Your marital problems are your business; keep it close to the chest.
5. Don’t compare your situation to that of others. Marriages and affairs are uniquely individual. What happens in someone else’s situation is not a reflection of what will happen in your situation. You need to develop a plan for personal and marital recovery based on your marriage and your relationship with your wife.
6. Take care of your emotional and physical needs. Lean on your support system, talk to a therapist, do what you need to do to keep your emotions from causing you illness. Eat a balanced diet so the stress of your situation does not interfere with optimum physical well-being. Exercise regularly, nothing alleviates stress and staves off depression like a regular work-out routine.
7. Protect your legal rights in case your marriage doesn’t survive. Whether or not you want a divorce, it is in your best interest to consult with a divorce attorney if your wife is cheating. You don’t have to file for a divorce but a consultation with a divorce attorney will help you understand your legal divorce rights and how to protect yourself and any marital assets should the affair mean the demise of your marriage.
8. Confront your wife about her betrayal. It is important to have proof of the infidelity and all your ducks in a row. If you’ve spoken with a therapist and a divorce attorney, have gotten a good grasp on your emotions, the confrontation with your wife will more than likely go in your favor.
9. Make the decision whether to stay in the marriage or file for a divorce. If your wife refuses to give up the affair, you have two choices. You can give it time and see if the affair dies out or you can file for a divorce and move on with your life. Whatever you do, is your choice. Don’t allow your wife to dictate how you choose to respond to her bad behavior. Only you know what is and isn’t acceptable marital behavior, in the end, it is up to you what you can and can’t live with.
In This Article
Being cheated on is not an easy thing to handle. Learning how to deal with a cheater can help you regain control of your life and help you decide how you want to proceed.
While keying the cheater’s car may seem like a cathartic reaction, this is not going to help you move, nor will it make you feel any better in the long run.
The adverse emotional and mental side effects of being cheated on can stay with you for a lifetime. Being cheated on stirs up insecurities, low self-esteem, distrust, inability to open up, give you feelings of worthlessness, and makes you question your qualities and physical appearance.
Dealing with a cheater is emotionally devastating and can change your personality for years to come.
Are you questioning how to move on after infidelity in your relationship? Here’s how to deal with a cheater.
1. Take time for yourself
Even if you have decided to stay with your cheating partner and work on your relationship, it is still essential to take time for yourself.
It will allow you to decompress. It will also allow you to collect your thoughts and grieve the situation. If you have chosen to stay together and deal with the cheater, taking time alone may help you to reconsider:
- whether you are staying in the relationship because you can become better, stronger partners with one another or
- if you are simply staying out of sadness or
- because the relationship has been comfortable
2. Gather your evidence
Is your partner cheating in the relationship, but you haven’t confronted them yet?
It’s time you look for ways on how to confront a cheater. Now is your time to collect any evidence you may need during your confrontation. This means taking screen captures of text messages, photos, conversations, and social media interactions you may have stumbled across between the guilty parties.
This will allow you to immediately deal with a cheater by putting a stop to your partner’s lies, should they choose to deny any involvement with their secret lover.
3. Get tested
If your partner has lied to you about being with one partner, who’s to say they haven’t been with dozens without your knowledge?
Getting tested for sexually transmitted infections is essential after you’ve been cheated on. Go to your doctor and ask to be tested. Free clinics and sexual health centers offer tests for STDs, HIV, and Hepatitis.
You must protect yourself, even if your partner claims they were ‘safe’ during their infidelity. Their definition of safe sex may differ highly from yours.
If you have chosen to deal with the cheater by staying with the partner, that is, cheating wife or husband, ask them to get tested as well so that you can resume your sexual relationship without worry.
4. Confront your partner
Confront your partner about their infidelity. This will allow them the opportunity to plead their case with you and for you to be perfectly clear about your feelings. Your feelings of betrayal, anger, humiliation, and hurt should be clear.
This is also an opportunity to let them know if you plan on ending the relationship. It goes without saying that if you decide to work on your relationship together, your cheating girlfriend or boyfriend must end the affair.
5. Don’t blame yourself
The reason cheaters decide to take the unfaithful way and indulge in affairs may have very little, if nothing, to do with you. Cheating in relationships is a selfish act in which a person is thinking solely of themselves.
However, many still find understanding the ‘why’ as an essential part of the grieving process.
Try your best not to blame yourself for the act. Often cheating is in response to something going wrong in the relationship. It is encouraged that the partners sit down and have an honest conversation about what needs are missing.
If your unfaithful partner was depressed, they should have told you upfront. Consequently, they should end the relationship before sleeping with someone new.
6. Don’t put a time limit on pain
Pain is pain. A time limit will not diminish the hurt or betrayal you felt after being cheated on. Grieving is an individual process that takes time. New relationships and other distractions will not make it go by any faster.
7. Decide what you want from your relationship
If you have decided to deal with a cheater, give yourself some time to honestly think about the benefits and detriments of staying in the relationship.
No matter which direction you are swaying, you need to be completely honest with yourself about your wants and needs in a relationship from this point on. When considering whether to stay in a relationship with someone who has cheated on you , ask yourself these questions:
- Can I truly forgive my unfaithful partner?
If you choose to stay in your relationship, can you truly forgive your cheating partner? Your relationship will never be successful if you cannot forgive the act itself.
After your grieving process, continually bringing up the indiscretion and question, “Can a cheater change?” will only serve to damage and hurt both parties.
- Can I ever trust my partner again?
Once a cheater, always a cheater. So, once trust is lost, it is seemingly difficult to get it back. Your cheating husband or wife will need to work 24/7 to win your trust again.
They must attempt to quash all the cheaters’ behavior patterns and be fully transparent with their whereabouts and interactions until you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship once more.
- Will we seek counseling if we stay together?
Check for serial cheaters signs . Forgiveness is a difficult road , but it can be done. This road makes it easier for couples by attending couples counseling and opening up about what each party loves and lacks in their current relationship.
- How will my family/children be affected by your decision to stay together/break up?
Bringing children into a relationship creates a whole new plethora of considerations. How will a break up affect them? How will you strive to maintain parental stability for your children during this challenging time ?
When the question is how to deal with a cheater, there are many characteristics of a cheating woman or man or cheating signs to consider when contemplating staying or leaving.
There are unpleasant emotional ramifications for both options. Some choose to stay and try to strengthen their relationships. Others choose to leave and pursue romantic relations with someone who will respect their trust and loyalty.
Lucy, in her TEDx talk about couples going through the couples dealing with cheating, unfaithfulness, and betrayal through real examples.
It is your choice what avenue you take on how to deal with a cheater. Make sure your result is best for you and your happiness.
It’s one of those things you don’t really think is ever going to happen. In fact, statistically speaking, it isn’t likely to happen. Of course statistics don’t mean much to someone who has experienced it. So what do you do when you find out that your wife has cheated (or is cheating) on you?
Infidelity is possibly one of the most painful things to go through in a relationship. The betrayal of trust, the hurt, the anger, the feeling that you have somehow failed or driven her to it – these are all torturous to experience and not something you can really prepare for. But if you find yourself having to figure out how to handle things after your wife cheats on you and needing to figure out what to do next, there are a number of things to consider.
What Should You Do First If Your Wife Cheats On You?
First, take a deep breath. Whether you suspected, or it is coming as a surprise, this is emotionally jarring news. And it hurts.
If you have found out your wife has cheated your initial reactions will be driven purely by emotion. The order and expression of these emotions can vary from man to man, but everyone will experience some version of anger and sadness. Some men will feel sad and hopeless initially, others will feel angry and vengeful. Regardless of the order, those feelings will all surface and need to be dealt with. So what things should you do if your wife has cheated?
- Don’t let your anger get the best of you. Your wife has become physically or emotionally intimate with another man. A common (and understandable) reaction from most men is anger. Anger is a dangerous emotion and can push even the most rational men into making bad decisions. Don’t let it. Becoming verbally abusive or physically violent with your wife, or possibly the man with whom she had the affair, will not gain you anything and can potentially sink any hope for fixing things, or make a bad situation worse.
- Do channel your emotions. Men especially often feel the need to relieve emotions in a physical way. You feel like punching something, or screaming at someone? Try finding a way to achieve this that is safe and effective. Take things out on a punching bag at the gym, go for a long run, hit balls at the batting cage, or whatever physical activity that allows you to burn off some of the adrenaline, anger and hurt that are coursing through you.
- Now stop and think. What’s next? What do you want? Do you want to keep the marriage or was divorce just one step away before you found out about the affair? This might be a good time to consider talking with a counselor. Figuring these things out is not as simple as quiet reflection over a cup of coffee. Or even a conversation with a good friend. Often the assistance of a qualified marriage counselor can help a great deal in gaining the clarity you need to determine the best next steps. Dr. Kurt has counseled many men and couples that have been affected by infidelity and it can be difficult (but not impossible) to get past. According to him,
How you respond to your wife cheating is crucial as it sets the tone for all that will follow. Most men’s anger and pain leads them to an impulsive response that just drives their partner further away and makes her more resolved to continue the affair or leave. Questioning whether or not you want to stay married to someone who cheats on you is understandable and normal. Answering that question, however, should take some time so that it’s made intelligently and not emotionally. Recovering from an affair is really, really hard and is best done with a professional counselor who’s been through it before.”
Should I Confront Her And Ask Why She Cheated – Does It Matter?
Yes, the why does matter and understanding that will help you figure out what to do now that you know your wife has cheated on you. The reason she cheated will vary wildly from woman to woman. There is no single reason why a woman cheats, or anyone for that matter.
Cheating is clearly a sign of trouble in the relationship. You will need to understand it in order to fix things. Ultimately, however, cheating has less to do with you as a partner and more to do with her personal failings. Figuring out the actual reasons why it happened is a process though. And it is an important piece when you are determining what to do when your wife has been caught cheating. It won’t make things okay – there is no real justification for infidelity. It will, however, help you as a couple figure out why you have ended up in this situation. Cheating does not have to be the end of a marriage, although people often assume that it does.
If She Cheated On Me It’s Over, Right?
Not necessarily. As mentioned, cheating does not have to be the end of your marriage. Surviving infidelity is possible. It could actually be the beginning of a healing and growing process. And while it is not the ideal way to figure out that your marriage is in trouble, it certainly leaves no doubt.
If you are in the unfortunate circumstance of having to figure out what to do when your wife has cheated on you, take heart in the fact that many relationships have been able to get past an affair. It is not an easy task though. You will both need to be committed to the work it will take to bring things back to a healthy place. Getting to that place and reconnecting can take time.
To say that dealing with an affair in a relationship is difficult and painful is an understatement. It is one of the hardest things any couple can face. Remember that you were married for a reason though. Those reasons are likely to still be there, even if they are buried under mountains of life and marital problems. Figuring out what to do when your wife cheats on you will likely take the help of a counselor and reliance on the foundation that you built early on. But, if you are committed to the relationship and recovering what you once had, anything is possible.
MOTUNRAYO JOEL writes on ways to handle spouses who cheat
On June 4, 2015, Mrs. Bukola Yusuf (not real name), a mother of three stormed out of her house in shorts, “I was prepared to engage in a fight with the woman who ‘stole’ my husband’s heart,” she told our correspondent.
She said she was fed up with the woman who constantly called and sent messages to her husband’s phone.
Yusuf said, “At midnight, my husband’s phone would ring; whenever I confronted him about it, he would say, ‘It is a useless woman disturbing my phone.’ I believed him because I trusted him.”
When she discovered that the lady disturbing her peace lived two streets away from hers, she became furious.
“That day-June 4, I was ready to fight; to put an end to everything. But my neighbours stopped me from storming the lady’s house,” she said.
Little did Yusuf know that her husband was having an affair with the lady. She didn’t suspect because he promised her he would never cheat on her. He constantly reassured her of his undying love for her, and like every ‘good’ wife, she believed him.
“My husband does not have only one girlfriend, I heard he has several girlfriends. I almost lost my mind the period I discovered about his cheating lifestyle. I would cry for days; I felt worthless. He couldn’t hold his emotions one night; he blatantly told me that he loves the woman that had been calling his phone. He confessed and said that they met some months ago and that he had been hiding it from me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings,” she said.
Yusuf told SUNDAY PUNCH that her husband shares his time between her and his girlfriends.
Yusuf isn’t the only one battling with a cheating spouse; Mrs. Toyin Oyebanjo (not real name) is paddling the same boat.
Oyebanjo believes her husband’s ‘womanising’ nature started before they got married. She said she thought he would change.
“I have been married to him for 15 years; we separated for two years. It breaks my heart to say that I’ve not been happy in my marriage since I got married. People may say I was stupid for marrying him, knowing quite well that he can’t remain with one woman. But I thought he would change; I thought his love for me would change him,’’ she said.
On several occasions, Oyebanjo said her friends had called her on the phone saying they saw her husband with a woman, adding, “It is as if he changes women every month.”
Saying divorce has never been an option for her because her religion forbids it, Oyebanjo said she decided to always pray for him with the hope that he would change.
She said, “My only hope is to pray for him; I believe this is a battle I have to fight. I don’t want to leave my home for another woman, my children would suffer. I know some day things will get better.”
It is not only men who cheat in marriage, women do too as it is the case with Mr. Sunday Godwin (not real name) whose wife regularly cheats on him.
“Over time, I realised she likes to date rich men. Men who give her a lot of money and buy her things I can’t afford. When we got married – five years ago – she was naïve but sweet. She was still in the university when we got married. I sponsored her education which I don’t regret because she is the mother of my two kids,” he said.
Godwin said his wife’s love for him diminished when she got a new job. He said she comes home late from work and gets upset whenever he confronts her about her lateness.
He noted, “I have decided to stop confronting her. She doesn’t know that I’m aware of her cheating habit. I have sources who constantly feed me with information about her whereabouts. I won’t cheat on her because she is doing the same. One day, she will get tired of her shameful act.’’
Unlike Godwin who is aware that his wife cheats on him, a man who this correspondent preferred to identify only as Mr. Olanrewaju, residing in Fagba area in Abule Egba, Lagos, is unaware that his wife cheats on him.
Neighbours, who discuss the couple, said on several occasions they had seen his wife alight from a sport utility vehicle.
A neighbour who chose to remain anonymous said, “I think her husband once caught her with another man. But he thinks she has changed; I wonder how he copes with such a woman as a wife.”
A professor of psychology at the University of Lagos, Oni Fagboungbe, said the reason spouses cheat is because they have an unmet need.
Fagbounge said, “Cheating in marriage revolves around need for satisfaction. Whether it is a man or woman that cheats, that person cheats to satisfy a need – sexual or material. When a spouse is aware of that fact that the other spouse cheats, the first thing he or she should do is to find out why the spouse cheats.
“However, the underlying problem results from one not having his or her sexual desires met. The cheating spouse has sexual desires that are not being fulfilled. Sadly, most cheating spouses are not willing to make this known to their partners – they ‘bottle’ it up. For example, a wife whose sexual desires are not being met by her husband would not want to open up to her husband, because he may think she is being wayward. Instead, she looks for a man who would meet her sexual needs. Cheating spouses are forced to look for alternatives because the need has become part of them.’’
The don noted that in other countries, when a man or woman finds out that his or her spouse cheats, both of them would go the extra mile to meet their sexual needs, even if it means watching films to boost their sexual drive or going for counselling.
“But in Nigeria, instead of seeking a permanent solution, couples prefer to seek a temporary solution,” he said.
Also, Dr. Chika Ndubuisi, a psychologist at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka and marriage counsellor, advised aggrieved couples against fighting or confronting the man or woman interfering in their relationships.
He said, “Engaging in a fight with your spouse’s affair partner is not the best solution. I would prefer the woman or man to engage in a dialogue with the ‘cheating’ spouse. Make him or her realise the consequences of his or her actions. Effective communication is key to solving the issue of cheating in marriages. The wife and husband must be on the same page – they should be able to unravel the root cause of why other partner cheats.’’
According to him, any man or woman who cheats doesn’t understand what marriage means.
On his part, a psychologist, Dr. Nnamdi Ezeh, said counselling is one of the best solutions to handle cheating in marriages.
He said, “Coping with a cheating spouse needs a level of emotional support that is way beyond the life experience of most people. One way to deal with this is to seek assistance from people who understand what one is going through — therapists, family and friends who have dealt with similar betrayal in the past.
“However, one should not be spiteful with it. It’s one thing to enlist others for support; it’s quite another to tell one’s partner’s relatives or boss, about his or her behaviour out of spite. Couples most also remember that anything they say to their kids cannot ever be taken back. Hence, they should think twice about ‘badmouthing’ themselves.’’
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Do you have trust issues with your partner? How did you feel when you realized your partner is not or has not been faithful to you? Do you love your partner so much that you felt ending the relationship is not the option? Do you still feel you can make things work out between you both? If yes, here are some steps that might help you handle the issue at hand.
1. Getting your facts or proof(s)
You do not have to jump into conclusion after reading a seducing chat/message that is not from you, after receiving a luring call from the opposite sex on your partner’s phone, after seeing a condom in your partner’s possession or after noticing changes in your relationship. Get your facts right, take your time to have something solid to show as evidence so that you won’t make a fool out of yourself. You cannot just conclude because of a mere text, call or stories from outsiders. Do not spoil your relationship because of lack of patience. In your course of gathering your facts, you might have the answers you needed or get to know that you were being wrong all along. Whatever you saw as signs might not be true.
After finding out the facts and getting to know that your partner is actually guilty, you will do well by your gentle and loving confrontation. Although it is not easy to keep calm in such situation, but the best way to handle it is to be calm. Tell him/her what you saw, read or heard because you are worthy of an explanation. Hear the part of your partner’s story even if you know the truth is being withheld. Things will not work out if you start beating or throwing objects or threatening to end the relationship. A gentle and heart to heart conversation will encourage the truth to be told. Being violent will give the cheating partner have something to hold against you, which may lead to making a fool out of yourself and make you be the loser during the confrontation process. If he/she lies to you, take your calm instead of ranting or insulting. If you later discover your points were wrong, apologise to your partner and am sure he or she will understand. Be wise in your confrontation, because it can make or mare the relationship.
3. Know why he/she is cheating
After your partner confesses to his or her offence, ask for the reason(s) behind the actions. (You can read about why men cheat here) If it is from your imperfections, work on yourself and if not, both of you should deal with it. If your partner still loves you, he or she will work together with you to make the relationship work and to stop the cheating act.
4. Inform others of the Act
You can inform other people, especially those people you know your partner respects and listens to. They can be friends, family members, colleagues at work or religious leaders. Stop suffering in silence if the cheating still persists. A problem shared is the one solved. While doing this, you have to be careful and watchful of words. Do not paint your partner bad in the public so as to avoid public disrespect after the issue has been solved. Telling outsiders of this issue can be seen as exposure of relationship or family affairs which can be misinterpreted and not taken lightly by the guilty spouse. To avoid this, wisdom and care should be taken.
If you are hooked up with a cheat and all your pleadings for change keep flying out of your spouse’ ears, you can try to satisfy him or her. Stop nagging, complaining or shedding tears but instead go to God in prayers. All things are possible through prayers.
If the cheating case worsens, separation from such partner is allowed. This is to guarantee your safety both sexually and emotionally. The Holy Books support separation on the basis of adultery. If staying away from such partner will guarantee your happiness, why are you then hesitating?
7. Forgive, forget and forge ahead
To err is human but to forgive is divine. The ability to forgive a cheating partner after he or she has recognised his/her fault and sought for forgiveness is very important. Partners should learn how to forgive each other and forget of the past. References should not be made and the past mistakes should not be brought to the present or in the future. Progress should be made and the couple should forge ahead to make their relationship the best.Try reading this article about how to bring back the spark in a relationship to help you restore your relationship to a lovely state
8. Leave such relationship if there are no changes
After the gentle treatment, denials of confrontations and failed promises to change and you are not married to your partner; it is advisable to leave such a relationship. You cannot say that you love a serial cheat and continue with such person. Staying or managing an unrepentant or non-remorseful partner could result to contacting STDs, emotional trauma, loss of dignity and death. It is not worth it being in an unhappy relationship with no hope of positive changes. Opt out of such relationship and move on with your life because there are many single faithful people out there.
For those that are not ready to leave a cheating partner you can read this article Tips to keep and maintain your relationship to help you in your relationship
You are free to drop comments and questions and it will be duly responded to
Wish you Good luck
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Marriage is beautiful, but it can be hard, especially when you are dealing with infidelity years after the affair .
So, how to deal with infidelity in marriage years later?
If two people love each other enough to work through infidelity in marriage , it can be beautiful again. But it will undoubtedly take time.
The wounds of infidelity are deep, and the victim of adultery will need time to mend and eventually forgive. The adulterer will need time to reflect on their mistakes, and show the remorse necessary for forgiveness to occur.
Handling infidelity or coping with infidelity could take months, years, and maybe even decades. The pacing of the progress after an affair will vary from marriage to marriage.
Let’s say you’ve done the work with your spouse for coping with adultery , gotten to a place of forgiveness and trust, and are looking to the future through optimistic lenses.
What can you expect when dealing with infidelity in marriage ? What should you be wary of years after infidelity ? What can you be proactive about coping after infidelity ?
All doesn’t have to be lost after a partner chooses to cheat. It can be repaired, but only through continuous and diligent hard work from both parties.
Any married couple should continue to work on their relationship, but those that have experienced infidelity should take that work even more seriously.
Counseling, counseling, and more counseling
With all of the information that we have access to, we still tend to ask for help less and less.
There are plenty of websites that can tell us what to do after marriage is rocked by adultery, so why go see a professional that will use a lot of the same tactics?
Because that professional is trained to give objective advice on how to handle infidelity in marriage .
Not only are they able to give objective guidance, but they can provide a form of accountability to both of the individuals involved.
At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment.
This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later .
The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of infidelity.
If you and your partner think that you’ve “gotten over the hump” and can take it from there, you may be opening yourself up to a potential downfall.
Your therapist has put a practice in place that your marriage has trusted to sustain itself for some time.
By pulling the plug on that consistent source of non-judgmental advice and guidance, you may find yourself settling back into the old themes of distrust and resentment.
This is not to say that you can’t make it if you’re not seeking help from a therapist; it is just pointing out what a tremendous resource that objective point of view can be to your relationship.
Be aware of your distrust
If you are the person that was wronged in the affair, no one will blame you if you have the nagging thought of “what if it’s still going on?” It’s natural. It’s a defense mechanism to your scorned heart.
But if you and your partner have worked to a place where you have forgiven them, and they have shown their remorse, you have to be acutely aware of that nagging question in the back of your mind.
It will show up from time to time, but you need to do your best to negotiate your way out of it.
If years have passed and you’ve both accepted the terms of your marriage and what has occurred, you can’t live your life waiting for them to screw up.
As hard as it is, you need to trust them with everything. You need to be open and vulnerable, and everything else that love requires.
By closing yourself off and questioning their every move, your relationship is no healthier than it was at the time of the affair.
They may be unfaithful again. They may repeat the same offense as they have before. That’s on them . You can’t control their actions. You can , however, show them love, respect, and appreciation.
You can show them that you trust them. If they take advantage of it, then that’s just the type of person they are.
If you don’t think you can get to a place of genuine trust and faith in your relationship, then you have one option…leave.
You won’t find peace in your marriage if you’re constantly worried about what your spouse might do behind your back.
Consciously check in with your partner
For dealing with infidelity, b e intentional about checking in with your husband or wife’s level of happiness within the marriage.
It’s a very real possibility that someone may have cheated because they were miserable with the circumstances of the relationship at that time.
On top of that, the person who was cheated on will certainly be unhappy with the state of the marriage after the affair occurs.
To avoid future affairs and deceit, have honest conversations every 6 months or every year that take inventory of each other’s satisfaction in the relationship.
The last thing you want is to wait for 5 years and then ask each other if you’re happy.
Time usually puts distance between partners in any relationship; two partners that have been affected by infidelity will undoubtedly drift even further apart over time if feelings and emotions go unchecked.
Think of it as a State of the Union address, but for your marriage.
They say that time heals all, but it’s not a given. Any time that is spent together after an emotional or physical affair needs to be handled with care.
Don’t let time pass and hope that things will smooth themselves out.
When dealing with infidelity, you must t ake hold of that time and use it as wisely as possible with your husband or wife.
Just because you have worked past the initial blow of adultery, don’t be fooled into thinking that you are in the clear.
See a counselor, be hyper-aware of your emotions (both positive and negative) as time passes, and check-in with each other on a timely basis.
Consistent and intentional action towards bettering your relationship is non-negotiable for every marriage; one inflicted with infidelity needs this work more than ever.
Finding out that your husband or wife has been unfaithful isn’t just a time of profound heartbreak and shock, it’s also a time of intense confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many overwhelming emotions.
Most unfaithful partners are deeply committed to saving their marriage. They are honest, forthcoming with information and willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to help heal the heart they have broken. They’ll answer questions put to them. They’ll acknowledge what they’ve done and how it’s hurt their partner. They’ll show true remorse. They’ll have patience with their emotional spouse. They’ll end the affair and cut all contact with the other person, and they’ll be transparent with their phone, whereabouts and so on to help regain their partner’s love and trust.
Unfortunately, not all unfaithful partners will react with honesty, humility or empathy when their betrayal is discovered. Not all will work collaboratively with their spouse to rebuild the marriage. These folks aren’t focused on the marriage — they’re focused on themselves and how they can get through this with the least amount of drama and personal inconvenience.
Remember: those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.
What follows are ten things an insincere spouse would prefer you didn’t know:
1. They are fully aware their actions were a betrayal. Their attempts to deny, deflect or downplay their actions, or to draw you into a debate (i.e. “I just sent him a naked picture, I didn’t sleep with him!” or “Texting isn’t cheating!”), are simply their way to muddy the waters so you cannot see the situation clearly.
2. There’s more to the story than they’ve told you. Statements like, “It was only one time,” or “We never met in person” or “We always used a condom,” are often misleading. It is very common for extra information and revelations to trickle in after the affair or indiscretion is first discovered.
3. They enjoyed having all the power. Infidelity is in many ways a power imbalance in the marriage. The person who is being unfaithful has the power. They know the secret. They can choose whether to end it, continue it or reveal it. And like any kind of power, it can be intoxicating — and a lot of fun.
4. Their phone is proof of guilt. When they accuse you of being “paranoid” or “controlling” when you ask to look at their phone, it is because they are hiding something and want you to stop asking. They know that nobody wants to be “that wife” or “that husband” who is meant to feel insecure or controlling, so they use that to their advantage. Remember: those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.
5. They’re doing their best to pin it on you. Their attempts to transfer blame onto you (i.e. “I wouldn’t have had to have sex with her if you’d be more available!” or “I wouldn’t have had to turn to him if you’d just talk to me once in a while”) are deflections meant to take the spotlight off their behaviour. Yes, pre-existing marriage problems may have factored into the infidelity; however, there were other options available to your partner. He or she did not have to secretively become emotionally or sexually intimate with this other person. Only they are to blame for that choice.
6. They want you to stop whining about it. Their impatience with your questions or pain, or their statements like, “Get over it already!” or “I already said I was sorry, what else do you want from me?!” usually mean that they are unwilling to invest the time, energy and emotion into regaining your trust and affection. Translation: they want you to shut up about it so they can watch the game in peace.
7. They made a choice to do it. There’s no such thing as “It just happened.” Similarly, a spouse who says, “It’s impossible to be with just one person!” isn’t addressing their betrayal, they are trying to justify it. The truth is, many couples have enjoyed long-term, devoted, loving marriages. It may not always be easy, but it comes down to personal choice and how you want to live your life.
These behaviours often mark the difference between a spouse who wants to save their marriage and a spouse who just wants to save themselves.
8. They are not trustworthy. No matter how many times they say, “You have to trust me,” you do not and should not. A spouse who has engaged in any kind of secretive behaviour — whether it’s sexual or financial — is not trustworthy. They can regain your trust; however, this is done through actions, not words.
9. It may not be the last (or first) time. While it isn’t necessarily true that “once a cheater, always a cheater,” it is often true that infidelity can become a pattern in marriage on the part of one or both spouses.
10. They know exactly why they did it. A spouse who answers the question, “Why did you do it?” by saying, “I don’t know,” isn’t telling the truth. The truth may be “deep” (i.e. “I thought I was in love with him/her”) or it may be “shallow” (i.e. “It was fun and I didn’t think I’d get caught”) but either way, they know exactly why they did it.
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It’s worth mentioning that even motivated spouses can and do show elements of these behaviours. For example, a sincere spouse may say “I don’t know why I did it” to avoid further hurting their partner. A sincere spouse may try to downplay their actions to try and stabilize the situation.
Nonetheless, these ten points should be red flags to you if your partner has been unfaithful, particularly if they are prolonged or delivered with a belligerent attitude. These behaviours often mark the difference between a spouse who wants to save their marriage and a spouse who just wants to save themselves.
Of course, infidelity is complex. One blog cannot comprehensively cover all the ways a “difficult” spouse may react to being found out. If you’re facing an episode of broken trust in your marriage and your spouse is not supporting you as he or she should, you should reach out for help.
I created my Overcoming Infidelity // For Betrayed Spouses audio crash course to deal with higher-conflict partners like this; however, there are many other resources out there, too. There are ways to motivate them to sincerely recommit to you. So don’t be fooled by their behaviour. At the same time, don’t give up on your marriage without giving it all you have.
Also on HuffPost:
These Do’s and Don’ts may help you deal with infidelity in your relationship.
Posted Jul 09, 2014
- The Challenges of Infidelity
- Find a therapist near me
If you’ve ever learned about a spouse or partner’s sexual infidelity, then you know how difficult this is to deal with. For one thing, it’s not just the pain of any specific sexual betrayal that you must try to process and eventually overcome, it’s the loss of trust in your spouse and your relationship. Oftentimes, learning about a supposedly monogamous partner’s extracurricular sexual activity leaves a betrayed spouse in a daze—stunned, hurt, uncertain, and unable to fully assimilate and accept what has happened. Unsurprisingly, cheated-on partners sometimes find themselves struggling with even the simplest of actions and decisions regarding both their relationship and day-to-day life.
If you have recently learned about infidelity in your relationship and are experiencing any degree of the pain and uncertainty described above, the following lists of Do’s and Don’ts may be helpful.
Six Things You Should Do If You Are Being Cheated On
- Do get tested for STDs. Men and women who engage in sexual infidelity are often careless about safer sex. As soon as you learn that your partner has been sexually unfaithful, you should visit your primary care physician, explaining the situation and asking for a full STD screen.
- Do investigate your legal rights, even if you plan to stay together. Planning to stay together doesn’t mean you will. Betrayed spouses should always find out their rights in a potential separation, including financial and property concerns, and parenting issues if there are children.
- Do reach out to others for help. Dealing with infidelity requires a level of emotional support that is beyond the life experience of most people, and the only healthy way to deal with this is to seek assistance from people who understand what you’re going through — therapists, support groups, family and friends who’ve dealt with similar betrayal, etc. Whether you decide to remain in the relationship or not, you need (and deserve) care, love, and support, which can only be found by talking about what has happened with compassionate and empathetic others. You should not, however, be vindictive with this. It’s one thing to enlist others for support; it’s quite another to tell your partner’s mother, boss, or best friend about his or her behavior out of spite. And keep in mind, anything you say to your kids cannot ever be taken back, so think twice about badmouthing your fellow parent.
- Do learn everything you can about sexual compulsivity. This educational process helps you to better understand the cheater, and also to make healthier decisions in the future.
- Do trust your feelings and observations. If you don’t feel safe with your partner, trust your intuition. If you don’t see your partner getting ongoing help with his or her sexual problems – attending therapy and/or going to 12-step support groups — then don’t trust that things are getting better.
- Do expect to join your partner in therapy if you want to work things out. In therapy, you may be able to request and receive a full accounting of his or her infidelity. If you are like most betrayed spouses and you don’t want any more secrets in your relationship, then your partner, if he or she is also committed to salvaging the relationship, will, with the therapist’s assistance, disclose what you want to know. This disclosure process best occurs in a therapy room, as the amount and nature of the information can be overwhelming. If there is a therapist present to help you process the experience, you reduce the risk of further harm to both you and your relationship.
Things You Should Not Do If You Are Being Cheated On
- Don’t have unprotected sex with your partner. No matter what a cheater tells you about his or her past sexual activity and/or recent STD tests, you absolutely should not have unprotected sex with that person until you feel confident that he or she has had a full (and clean) STD screen and that he or she has been faithful to you for at least a year.
- Don’t jump into long-term decisions early in the healing process. This includes life-changing decisions such as whether to break-up, move out, file for divorce, leave with the kids, etc. The rule of thumb is no major changes in the first six months of the recovery/healing process.
- Don’t try to use sex as a way to “fix” the problem. While sexual intensity may feel good and intimate in the moment, using sex in this way is actually a form of mutual denial that moves you and your partner away from the process of healing.
- Don’t go looking for sex or romance as a way to “get even.” Getting even only feels good for the few moments you’re doing it, and usually, it brings disaster in the end. Seeking sex and love to manage hurt and resentment is a very poor choice, and it only makes things worse.
- Don’t make threats you don’t intend to carry out. If you tell your partner that any further cheating will cause you to leave, then you’d better pack your bags and go if/when he or she cheats again. Otherwise, you diminish your credibility. (It’s usually best not to make threats at all.)
- Don’t stick your head in the sand or take the blame for your partner’s actions. If you have an investment in your relationship, you can’t avoid the hard facts of your partner’s infidelity. Pretending the problem will go away will definitely not make it go away, nor will blaming yourself. Nothing that you did or did not do caused the infidelity. Your partner had a choice. It doesn’t matter how you’ve aged, how much weight you’ve gained or lost, or how involved you are with work (and not him/her). There are many, much healthier ways that your partner could have expressed his or her unhappiness with you and/or aspects of your relationship.
No matter what, relationship infidelity is difficult to deal with. And usually, the worst thing you can do is bottle things up and hope they’ll just magically resolve. That just doesn’t work at all. Instead, you should reach out for support, information, and advice.