by Alexandra Stonem December 5, 2020, 5:01 pm 29.9k Views 4.1k Votes
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Have you often hear the word “love yourself more”? And what does the importance of loving yourself more?
No one in this world is perfect, everyone must have weaknesses. If you can keep this in your mindset, it will not become a burden on your mind.
Accepting your own weakness is better than having to think why this should happen to you and stress because of it.
Instead of continuing to hate yourself for your shortcomings and unfair life, it’s better to try to find a way to start love yourself. Here’s how you can love yourself more.
1. Don’t Compare Yourself with Others
Everyone has their own uniqueness. People have their own strengths and weaknesses. For instance, some people are good in math, while they’re sucks at sports.
So, don’t be upset if you can’t do well in something.
Although this is a common thing, there are still people who compare themselves to others.
We can never be someone else because each of us are unique. No matter how hard we try, we can’t be anyone else.
All we can do is compare ourselves with our past. See how far have we grown and improved instead of comparing us with other people.
2. Learn to Accept
Life is difficult is a harsh reality that we must accept. Nothing is easy in life. Usually, people tend to seek defense and justification that they have done the right thing. If something bad happens, it is someone else’s fault or it ends up blaming fate or fate is like that.
Just accept that life is difficult, no need to make excuses. Not only us who feel life is difficult but other people too. It is possible that other people have more difficult lives, you will never know.
Instead of complaining about life being difficult or living unfairly, it is better to learn to be grateful because you are still given the opportunity to live. In order to love yourself more, learn to accept first!
3. Be Selective in Choosing Your Circle
Many people underestimate in socializing. Hang out as much as possible without having to look beyond what our friends are like. Hanging out is fine, but still we have to be picky about which one to be close friends with. Because if you choose the wrong friend it can actually have a bad influence in life.
We live in a difficult world, there are always problems that must be faced. Choosing the right friends can help us in overcoming the problems we face. Meanwhile, bad friends will actually affect negatively to our lives.
If your life is already hard, a bad friend will just harden your life even more. So, be selective in choosing friend. If there is something that can bring a bad influence, stay away slowly without having to be hostile.
4. Do What You Like
When people are bored, they will look for ways to get rid of this boredom. Allowing boredom to drag on will make the mood even more damaged, which results in whatever the result is bad. Even though what has been done is often done but because the mood is damaged, everything is chaotic too.
To feel refreshed, do what you like. It’s also a great way to love yourself more. Everyone must have preferences. Listening to music, exercising, shopping, watching movies and sleeping. Do whatever you like to get rid of fatigue and as a form of your respect and love for yourself more.
5. Give Yourself an Appreciation
Do you often hear the words to keep working hard even though you are tired of beating your body? You must have, this greeting is often said either by friends, parents, teachers, or lecturers. Hard work is fine, but keep in mind that don’t let yourself get stressed out by working too hard. Sometimes you have to reward yourself.
Rewards or awards can vary. Maybe with you take a moment to rest and reflect on the achievements that have been achieved while preparing for the next target. Or you can do self-care with a manicure, pedicure, or work out at the gym.
6. Learn to See From The Other Side
Indeed, life is sometimes difficult and sometimes happy. During happy moments, we often forget ourselves and tend to be too happy with these moments.
Likewise, when they are sad, many people are so lost in the sadness that is happening in their life. This clearly has a bad effect on yourself.
When good things happen, feel free to be happy but keep calm. Prepare yourself for bad things that might happen.
When bad things happen, don’t think too much about it. Keep trying to think clearly. Thinking clearly can help us to find positive things from bad events that happen to us.
7. Share to Someone
When you have a lot of thoughts and don’t know what to do, it’s better not to bury them alone. Holding on to your own problems is less likely to solve them and instead makes your mind more stressed. If you love yourself, it’s better to find friends to chat with.
Friends with whom to chat better be chosen correctly. Not all friends can provide solutions and keep our secrets.
There are things that make our problems the subject of gossip. Communicate well what is on your mind to your confidant friend. Solving complex problems is better with two heads than with one head.
8. Reactive and Proactive
Try to think about what you have been doing in the past few weeks or months. Are you guys doing the proper habits? Are you doing good or bad? It becomes important to do self-introspection of what is less and more in us. Are we reactive and proactive in life?
Being a reactive and proactive person is important in life because it is what we do will turn back on ourselves. How do you react in certain situations? When we do something and it goes badly, what can we do wrong? How do we learn from mistakes so that they don’t happen again.
9. Identify What’s on Your Mind and How To React
Do you know what is on your mind well? When someone is upset and asked what is the cause of the confusion, normally they will answer that they don’t know.
By not being able to recognize the contents of the mind, it is difficult for that person to find a way out.
To make your mind free from unnecessary things, first identify what is on your mind. After you find the cause, then find out a solution to overcome it. By being able to know yourself, then you can take whichever solution is right so that you can finally feel relieved and avoid negative things.
10. Accept Yourself for what it is
The peak when you can feel happy is when you can accept yourself as you are. You can’t possibly be like other people, no matter how hard you try. Different physique, different brain, different mindset. So, what is undertaken, and the choice chosen is not necessarily the same as one another.
If you are lacking in some things and get criticized, don’t bother. Just accept it all. Especially if you have done what you thought was best. Others can only criticize without knowing what position we are in and what options are available to it. Even if our parents judge us this way or that, just ignore it.
Many of us believe we already do. Our actions say otherwise.
Posted Jan 17, 2014
So much popular self-help advice suggests that we must “learn to love ourselves.” It’s good advice, but how exactly do we do it?
It’s not so simple: We often believe that we do love ourselves, and yet our actions and reactions suggest otherwise. Loving yourself is essential to your personal growth, to the fulfillment of your dreams, and to developing healthy, happy relationships with others. Instead of trying to just talk yourself into believing you have self-love, foster compassion for yourself with these three practical steps:
- Care as much about yourself as you do for others.
It sounds simple, but many of us simply don’t do this because we think we are being selfish or that our own needs are not important. They are. It is not selfish to care about yourself. Compassion for yourself means showing concern for your own feelings as well as for others. Treat yourself the way you would treat your children or your best friend—with gentleness, concern and caring.
Maintain your boundaries.
Write a list of the things that you need emotionally, things that are important to you and that upset you or hurt your feelings when they are ignored or violated. They could include being listened to; getting sympathy when you’re hurt; being celebrated when you succeed; receiving love and tenderness without asking for it; being cared for; and knowing you can rely on someone. Whatever is important to you is important. And when someone ignores what’s important to you or crosses your boundary, you’ll know—because it hurts. Don’t ignore that. Your feelings are there to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong.
Let people know what your boundaries are and what you will and will not tolerate. If they apologize, you can forgive them. If they do not, or continue to ignore your boundaries and needs, you need to create consequences. For example, if you tell your partner that you need him to listen to you and to acknowledge your feelings when you talk about something, but he continuously ignores you or tells you to get over it, you should respond with appropriate action, such as finding someone else to confide in. You may also need to reconsider the relationship. Relationships are meant to be a two-way street and you should be getting your needs for love, acceptance and respect met as much as the other person’s. Being assertive and taking action to get your own needs met will build your self-esteem because it will reinforce the belief, in yourself and others, that you deserve to be loved and cherished.
Do what you need to do to be you.
First, figure out what makes you feel good. It doesn’t matter what it is, but become aware of how you feel when you do things. Do you feel exhausted at work, but exhilarated when you’re in the garden? Do you feel joyful reading to your children? Fulfilled when you are writing poetry or volunteering? Find out what makes you feel good and do it, as often as you can. Feeling good is all the permission you need to do what you love to do. And the more you do those things, the happier you will be. If it means you have to give up something else, so be it. Perhaps you need to spend more time on your own or schedule an hour every weekend to visit an art gallery to recharge. Maybe you need to save up some money to buy paints and brushes, or ask your family to look after themselves for a few hours while you take a stress-relieving walk. Perhaps you need to join a club to meet like-minded people who inspire you. Do what you need to do to be you and don’t let anyone blame you, criticize you or talk you out of it because they think you are being selfish, silly, or delusional. Ignore them. You will feel better, you will be better able to really be there for others—and you will like yourself more. You may even love yourself.
All of these things can help you to develop a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride in what you are doing and who you are, and a realization that you are a worthy, talented, capable, lovable person who deserves to be loved. And the most important person to believe that is you.
Being kind to yourself helps you bounce back, live healthier, and stay on track.
Posted Jun 29, 2017
Self-compassion is a way of relating to yourself that does not involve harshly judging or punishing yourself for every mistake you make, or every time someone does better than you. Research on self-compassion shows that it is associated with:
- Less anxiety and depression.
- More optimism.
- Better recovery from stress.
- Better adherence to healthy behavior changes, such as exercise or diet.
Kristin Neff, the pioneer of self-compassion research, describes it as follows:
“Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.” (Neff & Dahm, 2015)
The 3 Facets of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has three separate but related aspects:
1. Mindfulness: Having an open, curious, non-judging attitude; not over-identifying with negative stories about the self.
2. Self-kindness: Treating yourself kindly, rather than harshly. Extending the same care and support to yourself that you would to a good friend or loved one.
3. Common humanity: Allowing yourself to be human, to make mistakes and learn from them. Knowing that as humans we are not perfect, nor should we be expected to act flawlessly.
In my clinical practice, I teach self-compassion to all of my clients, and I am always impressed by how much it can transform their relationship with themselves and promote healthier ways of living. Self-compassion is much more effective in changing behavior than trying to motivate yourself with shame and self-criticism. Shame and self-criticism lead to inner rebellion and giving up, while self-compassion gives you hope and helps you trust the process of change.
To become more self-compassionate yourself, try to follow these 7 steps:
1. Recognize that you are experiencing emotional distress or mental suffering.
Adopt a mindful attitude in which you deliberately pay attention to your inner experience so that you can notice when you are beginning to shift into a negative state. The minute you realize that you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself or feeling anxiety in your body, stop and say to yourself, “This is a difficult moment,” or, “I’m feeling distress in my mind and body.”
2. Accept that the feeling is there.
Make a conscious decision to sit with whatever negative feeling is there and try to accept it—because it’s there anyway—rather than pushing it away. If it’s a negative thought, look for the underlying emotion (anxiety, sadness, or anger), or scan your body to see where you feel tension or discomfort. You may feel it in your chest, belly, shoulders, throat, face, jaw, or other areas.
3. Imagine what you might feel if you saw a loved one experiencing this feeling.
In your mind’s eye, imagine your loved one being scared or sad or feeling bad about themselves. Then think about what you might feel. Perhaps you would feel the urge to help or comfort them. Try to direct this compassionate mindset toward yourself. If you notice any resistance or thoughts of “I don’t deserve compassion,” acknowledge them, and try to direct compassion to yourself anyway. You may want to ask yourself why you think others deserve compassion but not you.
4. Challenge your negative story about yourself.
If you can’t feel compassion for yourself because you feel undeserving or “bad,” try to think about this as an old story. Notice the old story of why you are bad. Now find a way to challenge this interpretation. If you acted in an unhealthy or irresponsible way, ask yourself if there were circumstances that influenced your behavior. Perhaps you experienced past trauma, or you were caught in a stressful situation. Now make a commitment to try to learn from the experience, rather than beat yourself up over it. Other ways to challenge the story are to ask yourself if you’re seeing things in black or white, if you’re being too judgmental, or if you’re seeing the situation from only one perspective. Are there other, kinder ways to view the situation? Are you expecting yourself to be perfect, rather than allowing yourself to be human?
5. Think about how everybody messes up sometimes.
It’s tempting to think that you are uniquely messed up, while everyone else is a paragon of virtue. In fact, even the most successful people make serious mistakes. Think about all the mistakes politicians make. But making a mistake doesn’t undo all of your accomplishments and successes. Neff cites “common humanity” as an aspect of self-compassion: Humans are learning, developing beings rather than finished products. We’re all works in progress.
6. Decide what it would take to forgive yourself.
If your behavior hurt you or another person, ask yourself what it would take to forgive yourself. Think about whether you want to apologize and make amends to the person you hurt. If you hurt yourself through addictive behavior, avoidance, ruining relationships, or otherwise behaving unwisely, make a coping plan for the next time you are in a similar situation so that you can begin to act differently.
7. Use self-talk to encourage yourself.
You may say something like, “It doesn’t help to beat yourself up,” or, “Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.” You may want to acknowledge yourself for trying, even if you weren’t successful. You may tell yourself to focus on the positive aspects of what you did as well as the negative ones, or that behavior change is a process, and you need to keep trying.
8. Be a life coach to yourself.
Rather than punishing yourself with negative thoughts, gently guide yourself in a positive direction. You may ask yourself what led to the destructive behavior, whether it’s really what you want to be doing, and what the consequences are. Tell yourself that you have other choices, and it’s never too late to change. Then think about a concrete step you can take right away to move in a more positive direction or get up and try again. If someone else was mean and you let them get away with it, think about how you can set a limit or boundary to stop this from happening again.
The first step in creating a life you absolutely love is to first fall madly in love with yourself. When we practice self-love and begin to accept and embrace all of who we are magic starts to happen. Self-love unleashes our true potential. It gives us the confidence we need to share our gifts with the world and live out our purpose. And it all begins with a decision. Yes, it’s that simple. Just make the conscious decision to love and accept yourself fully and unconditionally. Make that your mantra and commit to practicing self-love every single day. Here, I’m sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned about self-love that have completely transformed my life.
This is one lesson I learned the hard way. When I first started my business, I really slacked on my self-care. Eventually, it caught up with me and literally made me sick. I remember laying on the couch with my body aching making a promise to myself to never let it get to that point again. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a gift for yourself, it’s a gift for everyone around you.
The more you give to yourself, the more love you have to give to others and the more value you can add to the world.
The more you give to yourself, the more love you have to give to others and the more value you can add to the world. So, do yourself, your loved ones, and your future a favor and take a damn bubble bath tonight. Or doo whatever it is that makes you feel amazing.
We are human and we all make mistakes and practicing self-love means not dwelling on those mistakes. Acknowledge them, learn from them, and move the hell on. Forgiving others is also huge for our wellbeing. Holding onto anger and resentment only harms you, not the other person. Let it go not for them but for you. Forgiving others is really a gift for yourself and honey, you’re so worth it.
With Instagram and social media, it’s so easy to compare our lives to these gorgeous Instagram feeds. But you have to remember Instagram is a highlight reel of people’s lives and, most importantly, everyone’s path is unique. You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. There is a divine timing for everything. It’s not a competition. There is room at the top for all of us.
As a self-professed workaholic, this one is probably the most difficult for me. My go-go-go mentality makes it difficult to stay still, but I’ve learned the hard way that slowing down is essential for next-level joy, fulfillment, and success. Taking time off to just chill and have fun doesn’t take time away, it actually creates more of it. Slowing down and taking time off completely refuels and allows you to actually get more done faster.
In my early twenties, I would pretty much eat whatever I wanted without giving it a second thought. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that the food I eat actually has a huge impact on the way I feel. Eating lots of veggies and quinoa makes me feel really good so I try to eat clean on most days. But, if I’m craving a slice a pizza or a pint of ice cream, you best believe I’ll have that slice of pizza or that pint of ice cream and not feel guilty about it whatsoever. They key is to eat from a place of love and find a nice balance that makes your body feel nourished.
True self-love means believing that you are worthy of your dreams and then taking action to get there. Learning how to love yourself more is all about not allowing fear and self-doubt to hold you back from the things you most want to do. Tapping into your inner desires and allowing your heart and intuition to lead the way is the self-love path to success. Be brave. Take those baby steps every day that will align you with the life you truly want to live.
The greatest gift I’ve ever given myself is the permission to just be who I am. I used to do so many things just because everyone else was doing them and it was exhausting. The moment I made the decision to just be me and do only things I loved, I felt completely liberated. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think. Your happiness and well-being is the most important thing. So go on with your bad self.
When others don’t love you, this is how you should love yourself.
It’s an issue most of us experience throughout life: estranged partners, snarky bosses, bored co-workers, aloof family members, and back-stabbing friends.
Our desire for love, attention, approval, and acceptance from others seems to be embedded into the very fiber of what it means to be human. And yet more and more of us are starting to realize that waiting around for our entire lives groveling at the feet of others isn’t time well spent.
Welcome: the self-love movement. Even the very thought of “self-love” sends shivers down our spines because it is so foreign to us, and yet it makes so much SENSE on a visceral level. And yet despite how appealing learning how to love yourself more is, it seems like a Herculean task in the face of the lives we have built for ourselves.
For example, how can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful? How can you learn how to love yourself more when your environment is positively toxic and depressing? How can you learn how to love yourself more when you have no positive role models? How, how, how?
In One Paragraph: What is Self-Love?
In short, self-love is complete forgiveness, acceptance, and respect for who you are deep down – all your beautiful and hideous parts included. When you love yourself you take care of yourself, you honor your limitations, you listen to your needs and you respect your dreams enough to act on them. When you love yourself, your happiness, health, and fulfillment are all of the paramount importance because you realize that without loving yourself, you will never be able to genuinely love others.
How to Love Yourself More in an Age of Naysayers
On an unconscious level, most of us hear the same things in society. These subliminal messages sound something like this:
- You have to make people like and accept you – just like us.
- You have to put others’ needs above your own all the time with no exception – just like us.
- You have to conform to the status quo and fit in – just like us.
- You have to be unhappy and discontent – just like us.
This last one is strange, isn’t it? But the reality is that most people don’t truly like being happy: instead, they prefer comfort, stability, security, and control. This child-like mindset is precisely what makes (most) people so hesitant to support your self-love journey because it directly contradicts what they have invested so much of their effort into comfort and mediocrity.
The truth is that when you start practicing self-love, you become a social heretic. You stick out. You stop fitting in. You cease being one of those misery-loves-company pack members who thrive on self-pity and cynicism. And suddenly this puts you in a very uncomfortable position, a position where you have to choose between taking the narrow path, or the wide, easy path.
Some of us give up. Others of us persist, but end up withering under the weight of social pressure. But then some of us continue on that lonely path, being comforted by a few on the way, but otherwise battling against the constant onslaught of “you’re not good enough,” “you should be like us,” “you aren’t worth it,” “you’re so selfish.”
Loving yourself, TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY loving yourself in this era, is a breathtaking accomplishment. It is a rare achievement that many claims to have developed, but few have actually achieved.
Here are a few tips you can take away from this article that I have personally learned on the-path-less-taken:
1. Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true.”
You will hear a lot of things on your path; some consciously and some unconsciously. You will be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough, your personality isn’t charming enough, making mistakes is unacceptable, taking care of your needs is selfish … yadda, yadda, yadda. Not all of these untrue and unhealthy perceptions will be immediately obvious. Some of them will creep into your mind and belief system, polluting your self-perception. In fact, many of these toxic perceptions probably have already.
December 5, 2018
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STOP DRINKING EXPERT
Love Yourself More, Sounds Simple But How Do You Do It?
I hard to explain to people that my mission in life is to show you how to love yourself more, a lot more! When people ask me what I do for a living, I used to tell them I was a self-help author or a coach. Boring answer, right?
These days I tell people I am an unusual type of optician and I fit people with special magic glasses.
If you wear spectacles, you will understand the pure joy of ‘new glasses day.’ The day you go to collect your new prescription from the store, and the optician fits them carefully to match the features of your face.
When all the tinkering is done you step out of the optical store into the sunshine and take a few moments to stare in wonder at the sight before you. You are shocked by how bright, crisp and sharp everything looks. It’s amazing; it’s like you suddenly got an upgrade to high definition eyes.
Learn how to love yourself first
See yourself in a different light
Of course, nothing has really changed out there on the sidewalk. That super HD world always existed, it’s just before walking into the store you had forgotten what it looked like.
Now with your new glasses on, your perception of the world has changed. Yes, this is a metaphor for what happens to Super HD, amazing individuals the world over.
We come into the world a blank canvas capable of absolutely anything and everything. However, slowly over time, our perception of life fades, distorts and degrades.
As we go through the stages of development, we are taught many things. Some things positively serve us, but others create limiting beliefs that hold us back. The world slowly starts to lose its hard edges, the colors lose their depth and what was once bright becomes dim.
Do you wish you had more self-confidence?
Some people wish they had more self-confidence, or even worse than that, they witness the positive self-image they want in somebody else and get jealous of them. They act like that other person got a better deal of the deck.
Perhaps born with little something that was held back for the chosen few. Let me tell you here and now; babies are not born confident.
There has never been a midwife hold up a screaming newborn and say ‘oh no this baby has been born without any confidence.’
Equally, babies are not born with more than their fair share of confidence either. If today, as an adult you are lacking confidence, this is only because you are wearing the wrong glasses. Your view of yourself is out of focus in this area, and that’s all!
Unlock your full potential
The fantastic news is you have stumbled upon a book by one of the best fitters of new specs in the world.
We are all born with infinite potential, on that day when we come screaming into the world, nothing is impossible for us. In that moment and for not long after the boundaries of our future are limitless. I know even now, so early on this journey, some readers will be thinking.
But what about people born into poverty or with disabilities?
Those thoughts are houses built on sand, they appear to stand up to inspection but what I will demonstrate at my live events is that they are limiting beliefs without foundations.
If pressed I am sure you can think of someone born with severe disabilities who have gone on to achieve amazing things in their life.
Destroying your limiting beliefs
It is equally as likely that you will be able to think of many more people who have no physical challenges, who were born into the safety, wealth and abundance of civilized western life that have decided to become an abject failure.
Our limiting beliefs are all lies, every single one of them. I tell people that I can’t dance, that is a lie. The truth is I have never really tried, I am afraid I might look silly, and so I have created plausible deniability to ensure that I never risk being in that situation.
As a species, we are motivated by only two overriding factors. The desire to move towards pleasure or the need to move away from pain. Two very laudable goals and entirely understandable but it’s essential that you know that the two objectives are as opposite as black and white.
They may sound similar, and I will admit that escaping a painful situation could easily be misinterpreted as being ‘pleasurable.’ However, only one of these actions serves us in a positive away.
Achieving your goals
Moving towards pleasure is an empowering, positive action. Pushing away pain and discomfort is an act that may have a purpose, in some situations it may even save your life but it is a generally disempowering act.
In my case, creating the limiting belief that I can’t dance as a means to protect myself from the embarrassment of trying does not serve or empower me. In truth, I watch people dancing and feel envious of their ability to be so at ease with themselves, to be so free and happy to do something like that in public.
So while my firmly held and argued belief that I am incapable of dancing serves a purpose it most certainly does not serve me.
Unleashed: LIVE – How To Love Yourself More
My Unleashed Live events around the world are designed to help people love themselves more and unlock their full potential. In one day they have breakthrough after breakthrough, it really is the most powerful program I have ever created and the changes in people are dramatic.
If you would like to find out about my next live event click here for more information. I would love to meet you and fit you with some new glasses!
Why Do Spiritual Highs Fade?
Do You Love Yourself Enough?
Why Do Spiritual Highs Fade?
Do You Love Yourself Enough?
The room full of five hundred teens broke into applause. The speaker smiled and began to pack up his sermon notes, took his Bible, and walked off the stage as the worship team climbed the steps.
As a thirteen-year-old, I sat in the auditorium of a youth camp with mixed feelings. The speaker had just given an impassioned speech from Matthew 22:39 about the vitality of self-love and acceptance for our spiritual lives. “You can only love God and your neighbor as much as you accept and love yourself!” he said.
I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know what. In the years since then, through studying the Bible, I’ve come to understand my misgivings better. I believe the popular teaching of self-love falls short in key ways. The promise, put simply, is that the more you look inwardly and love yourself, the more you can love others and be at peace and content.
One self-love article put it like this: “We treat others in the same way we treat ourselves. And if I am uncertain about my worth, I will be uncertain about the worth of others.” A lack of self-love is seen as the root of all sorts of issues ranging from depression to bullying to obesity.
But as appealing as the idea of self-love may sound, I believe there are key ways in which this teaching falls short of the biblical alternative.
What Is “Self-Love”?
First, let’s begin with definitions. This is especially vital when dealing with extremely ambiguous concepts such as self-love, which everyone tends to define individually. The “self-love” I am writing about is that which I have most frequently encountered in society, Hollywood, among friends, and even in the church, both in Western Europe (where I am currently living) and in the United States.
Self-love is an introspective prioritization of self, aiming at a deeper love and acceptance of self. It is a meditative focus on one’s own positive traits. Self-love seeks freedom from negative thoughts about oneself — whether guilt or insecurity or even awkwardness. It is seen as the key to the love of others and the love of God, because as long as there is any discontent with self, we are unable to devote ourselves to these.
1. Self-love is unsatisfying.
The first problem with looking inward for love of self is that we’re sinners. When sinners look inward with clear eyes, we don’t like what we see — at least we shouldn’t. We can see sin in all aspects of our lives. We see that we are deeply flawed. Self-love philosophy promises that if you look inward and can find a way to love what you see, you will find peace. But due to our massive shortcomings, we cannot find satisfaction in ourselves.
The philosophy of self-love is based on the idea that humans are fundamentally good and lovable. When self-love doesn’t work and we are dissatisfied, we might attribute this to our own blindness. “We just can’t see how beautiful we really are!” But Scripture and personal experience both show that without looking beyond ourselves to Christ, there is very little to love.
Active striving for the love of self leaves us dissatisfied and usually fails. In my experience, there is even a correlation between depression and reliance on self-love. Self-love is one of our highest forms of self-deception: we gorge ourselves on the biblical truth of our human worth — being created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) — but refuse to swallow the balancing truth that our own sin has robbed us of loveliness. Self-love is fundamentally unsatisfactory and lacking, because we are somehow expected to ignore half of who we are as sinful humans.
2. God doesn’t want you to accept your sins.
An unbiblical view of self-love not only leaves you unsatisfied; it can leave you unsanctified. If we dismiss the convictions of conscience as simply lack of self-acceptance, we risk misidentifying gracious warnings from God as attacks from Satan. When we do this, we forget the crucial difference between Christ’s invitation to come as you are and the unbiblical invitation to stay as you are.
When Christ calls us, he genuinely loves and embraces us, having fulfilled all conditions himself for our full acceptance. But in the same act, he calls us to hate our old nature and lay it aside (Ephesians 4:22), to strive for renewal (Romans 12:2), and to deny ourselves (Matthew 16:24). God does not want us to simply achieve a heightened acceptance of self; he desires our sanctification (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
Though we may not realize it, the call to “just love yourself more,” when it is offered in answer to feelings of guilt, can undermine this key truth. Neglect of biblical truth leaves the truly regenerate heart even more dissatisfied and confused.
3. The Bible recasts love of self.
But what does the Bible say? In 2 Timothy 3:1–5, we read that in the last days people will be “lovers of self . . . rather than lovers of God.” So, there is a way in which love of self can usurp the rightful place of God in our hearts.
Many readers may recoil at this point. Perhaps you’ve struggled with crushing guilt you just can’t seem to shake. Actively striving for self-love and self-acceptance may seem like the only possible way to shed the feelings of guilt or inadequacy you feel.
However, the temporary relief we might feel by self-love cannot compare to the overwhelming relief of true love and acceptance by God. The “self-acceptance” of the children of God is not an active striving to love ourselves more. Rather, it is coming more and more to see ourselves as God sees us: sinful, guilty, inadequate humans who have been washed clean and declared righteous by faith in Christ (Romans 3:24).
True self-love is acceptance of ourselves as redeemed people. Yes, we are loved and accepted, but it is precisely not because we are worthy in ourselves, but because Christ is worthy. Only when we accept the reality of redemption can we find freedom to look outwards. When our gaze is bent inward on ourselves, we fail to love God and cannot hope to love others.
Do You Love Yourself Enough?
Do you love yourself enough to stop denying that your sins, your faults, your inadequacies are as real as your virtues? Do you love yourself enough to stop scraping together self-worth from broken, sinful pieces of self, and instead to embrace the free gift of the Father’s love for Christ’s sake?
If the world really cared about helping us love ourselves, it would simply preach the gospel. Only the good news of Christ offers true hope. The message of the gospel is a message of freedom from efforts to love our broken selves by providing a worth that comes from outside of our brokenness — a worth that comes from Christ.
Do you love yourself enough to accept that?
Like so many of us, I was someone who REALLY struggled to love myself.
I would push away certain parts of myself (like my anxiety and my sadness). I would sometimes like (not love) myself conditionally, but only when I had achieved something amazing.
I couldn’t just accept me for me.
I always felt like I needed to be better, have more, or do more in order to deserve my own love.
It took me a WHILE figure out how to just love myself, all of myself, for ME. Not for what I achieved, how I felt, or what others said.
That’s why, in this article, I’m breaking down the EXACT steps and phases I went through to cultivate my self-love and get to where I am today. These are the steps that helped me achieve self-love and will help you to do the same!
This is part of what I teach my 1:1 coaching clients and help women learn at my Radical Self-Love Retreat (next one is Jan 2021!). I hope it helps!
Step 1: Be WILLING and set the INTENTION to love yourself
The first thing I did was be willing to love myself more than I ever had before. I had to set the intention and declare to the Universe that I was finally ready and open to see myself in a new light.
This is what really started it all.
Self-Love Action Step:
Literally just tell the Universe (out loud or written down) that you’re ready to love yourself like you’ve never been loved before and then watch what happens in the days and months to follow!
The right mentors, support, resources, and guidance WILL find you because of your intention. Which will really expedite your self-love success! Just because you’re learning how to love yourself, doesn’t mean you have to do it by yourself. 🙂
“Just because you’re learning how to love yourself, doesn’t mean you have to do it by yourself.” Tweet It!
Step 2: Learn and collect the BEST self-love techniques and practices
Then I began to search for and try out all the different self-love techniques, exercises, and practices I could get my hands on.
This included things like…
getting in touch with my inner child
figuring out how I personally give and receive love
learning how to see myself through the eyes of God/Source
writing love letters
healing my past wounds
actually feeling my feelings (What a concept.)
… you name it, I tried it.
I read all the books. Took all the programs. And did a lot of therapy.
Obviously, some techniques I tried worked better than others. This was NOT a short or easy process by any means. A LOT of trail and error and was involved in this stage because there is a ton of info out there and sadly, a lot of it is pretty lame/ineffective.
Self-Love Action Step:
If you don’t wanna take the time to do all this trial and error I recommend you simply check out my new online course, Radical Self-Love, instead. Because in the course I’m teaching you all the practices I found that work the best so you don’t have to. This will save you a ton of time, confusion, frustration, and money too!
Step 3: Actually DO those practices in daily life
Once I identified all the BEST self-love practices the were actually working for me I practiced the F*CK out of them.
I used every self-hating, self-criticizing moment to practice the techniques I had learned, in real time! Every moment became a new opportunity to practice loving myself more or better than ever before.
And like with any new skill, the constant practice made it eventually easy and natural to love myself more and more, everyday.
Self-Love Action Step:
How you can you put the things you learn into practice in your daily life?
When you’re criticizing yourself, stop. When you’re putting yourself down, lift yourself up instead. Make those decisions that you know are for your highest good. Give yourself the love and affection that your inner child needs.
There are a million ways to love yourself throughout the day. So start noticing the opportunities and then take action!
And if you need help practicing within a safe supportive container, coaching might be the way to go.
Step 4: Enjoy the BENEFITS of your new self-love practices
Nowadays, even though I’m still (and always will be) practicing more self-love, I’m reaping the benefits of my practice and actually feeling the love I have for myself.
I’m much less hard on myself.
I take way better care of myself.
I can actually see my divine perfection now.
I don’t feel broken anymore. I don’t need to go shopping, eat lots of food, or get love from someone else all the time in order to fill my cup.
ALL of my relationships have improved. Not just the one with myself.
I can support myself through even the toughest times and heaviest emotions.
I feel good about who I am much more of the time. (Not just when I’m achieving something or doing something noteworthy.)
AND, best of all, I just FEEL GOOD. Ya know?
That’s not even everything, but I wanna at least try to keep this concise. As you can see, things are really different for me compared to how they were even just one year ago!
Self-Love Action Step:
Make yourself a top priority and seriously consider investing the time, the energy and the money it takes to up your self-love game. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.
In the course, I’m going to walk you through these 4 phases, and teach you all the exact self-love practices that I’ve found success with throughout my self-love journey so you can do the same.
I hope to see you in there, but either way, I wish you lots of luck and success on your self-love journey.
Never forget the truth: You are worth it and you can do it!
Because if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
How to love yourself – alas, there’s no one-size-fits-all, quick and easy trick. Speak to any of your best female friends and they’ll almost all agree that however easy it is to shower love on each other (see Booksmart‘s getting ready scene for compliment inspo), showing yourself some kindness can be worryingly low on your to do list.
As a generation of women that has been taught they can – and should – have it all, taking the time to love yourself all too often gets swapped out for never ending bullet points on the self improvement CV. We tell ourselves we’re not worthy of our own love until we’ve run that 10km, stayed later at work than the rest of the team, lost 5lbs, acquired thousands of followers. the list goes on. But the reality is, you already deserve your own love, as you are.
Whether that means allowing yourself to say no more, acknowledging your worth (and yes, sometimes that is monetary value) or forgiving yourself for not being a great friend recently, how to love yourself depends on what you, as an individual, need. It’s switching up your mentality to applaud yourself for what you have done, rather than punishing yourself for what you haven’t or couldn’t. Let’s face it, wouldn’t that evening spin class be a bit easier if you had you on your side, celebrating yourself for simply going?
Even the most successful people struggle with how to love themselves. You know, the ones you’re convinced have got it all sorted and living the perfect life? Yep, even they’ll tell you, loving yourself is a work in progress.
Here are 15 women’s tips for how to love yourself and reveal their own process of self love:
My top tip for loving yourself is.
‘This is easier said than done, but realising that you’re stuck with the person you are and that loving her will make the inner workings of both your heart and mind less vindictive and more productive is a good place to start. Ask yourself, “What could I make happen for myself if my inner dialogue was on my team – if it was as friendly, loving and unconditionally supportive as I am with my favourite people?”‘
How I learnt to love myself.
‘I’ve always been an overthinker, always very introspective, over sensitive (or so they say) and very hard on myself. My head never stops; I think and talk in zig zags, I have a thousand realms in my head, I don’t even watch TV because I often can’t cope with the extra noise or fiction.
‘Now I realise how powerful my mind is, and how stupidly huge my heart is, but for the best part of my life said mind had serious beef with me. It was relentless. Things really started to change when I reached a hatred peak – it became unbearable to be stuck with myself. And I think that’s how it goes with me. Desperation brings all the Freddie resources to the yard.
‘My dad would always get excited when I’d tell him I had reached rock bottom, he’d say that this is usually when I soar with a vengeance. He was my best friend and, just over two years ago, he passed away. In true ‘Freddie’ style, the crumbles my heart broke into introduced me to the best parts of myself. There are periods in your life when you’re definitely not going to make it unless you have a bulletproof support system, because life simply gets too ridiculous.
‘There came a time where I couldn’t unsee what I had uncovered during these phases: the beauty, the magic – I’m pretty special you know. And being 32 now, it’s much easier to build on that than it was when I was 25.’
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves.
Ironically, it was when my ten-year marriage fizzled that I began the innermost process of self-discovery about love.
While discouraged and saddened at the crumbling of our relationship, I began to explore love more. How had it fizzled? Why had we stopped loving each other, and what had happened to our love?
The People Who Were to Have Loved Us
I grew up in a rather patriarchal culture and family, which had trouble expressing or showing love.
In fact, they showed love in unusual and unhealthy of ways. My mother used harsh language, put-downs, and comparisons to others to berate, embarrass, and ridicule me about my personal habits, lack of achievement in school, and potential career choices.
My dad showed love in the form of his belt, which lashed against my body throughout my childhood. I remember horrific lashes, which left marks around my legs, buttocks, and back. If I were lucky, the lashes were made by the softer leathery-parts of the belt. If I wasn’t, it was the buckle, which did the scarring.
The violent strikes resulted from disobedience, for challenging my parents’ authority, and mediocre grades.
My adolescent years were filled with memories of some of these physical scars, which have disappeared, but also emotional scars, which continued to linger.
My ex-wife’s parents similarly showed love in unhealthy ways: ignoring her feelings, constantly criticizing and comparing her to others, and not expressing their love for her.
What I’ve realized since our divorce was that we were two damaged people who had trouble loving ourselves, let alone each other. When the love you’ve known has been physically harmful, emotionally painful, and psychology scarring, how do you love another person?
With this realization, I’ve had to find ways to love myself first.
You too may have been unloved or shown love in unhealthy ways in your life. Here are some tips on loving yourself first before searching for love in your life.
1. Be kind to yourself.
You may have hurts, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.
We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.
Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.
When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.
Be gentle with yourself.
2. Feel the love within you and be that love.
You may experience both self-hatred and self-love. Spend more time focusing on self-love.
Try loving and positive affirmations. Nourish your soul through a love-kindness meditation or spiritual practices that help you feel compassion and love toward yourself.
Once you feel vibrations of self-love or the peace of positive affirmations, try to be in that place of love throughout your day.
Infuse this love with your interactions with others in your life.
3. Give yourself a break.
You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.
Be willing to embrace your imperfections and excuse your bad days. Don’t set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. It’s normal to feel sadness and pain and to hit some low points in life.
Allow yourself to embrace these emotions without judging yourself for them.
4. Embrace yourself.
Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?
You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.
Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.
The process of self-discovery can happen through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.
In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.
The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.
It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.
5. Be grateful.
Rhonda Byrne, author of The Magic, shares with us a powerful way to change all of our relationships and our life.
Byrne encourages us to practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.
“When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase,” Byrne says.
She includes twenty-eight practices for twenty-eight days of your life to help you feel gratitude more deeply. Her initial practice is a formula to count your blessings.
She encourages you to write out the following sentence for ten items you’re grateful for everyday.
“I am truly blessed to have _____________, because _____________(why?).”
You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.
6. Give yourself in service to others.
When you think about kindness toward others and being love to others, you open the door to divine love.
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
Yes, giving to others is a gift of love you can often give yourself which brings you more love.
When you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, and giving of yourself, your soul will rejoice. You’ve reached the highest level of self-love in this state of serving others.
Find ways to do small and large tasks to assist those living in your house, neighborhood, or community. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving.
The love you’re sharing with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life.
You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to feel complete any longer. You’re complete.
A relationship will only make you shine brighter and bring more love in your life.