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The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

Every job comes with rough patches. Maybe your awesome boss leaves, and you have to adjust to a new manager. Perhaps business starts booming, which is good news—but the side effect is that you’re required to put in extra hours and meet tougher deadlines. Or maybe you take on a new role and have to learn a lot of new skills in a hurry in order to get up to speed. There are a lot of situations in which your job gets harder, but not necessarily worse. And then there are the times when you just flat-out hate your job.

Being able to tell the difference is important. You don’t want to quit a job that’s still getting you where you want to go in your career, just because things are a bit more difficult right at this moment. There could be a way you could learn to love your job even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. On the other hand, it’s a bad idea to stay in a job you hate any longer than you have to (read: until you can find a new, more promising job). Hanging on to a bad work situation can lead to burnout, and it may be time to move on.

So how do you know when you really, truly hate your job? Look for these signs.

1. You Have the Sunday Night Blues… Every Night of the Week

Even when you’re working at your dream job, and love almost everything about what you do, Sunday nights are rough. It’s normal to feel a little twinge of regret as the weekend draws to a close and your Monday-morning to-do list looms. But when those Sunday Night What-Ifs become an every-night occurrence, it’s a good bet that your job is the problem.

2. You Have a Lot of New Physical Ailments

Do you have aches and pains that weren’t there a few months ago? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your appetite changed? These are all physical symptoms of depression. That doesn’t mean that your job is to blame, of course, but if everything else in your life is the same and your job has changed, it’s worth asking whether work is the problem. (And in any case, it’s essential to get evaluated by a doctor as soon as possible.)

3. You’re Not Excited About Your Job Anymore

Every day at work doesn’t have to feel like a party, but if you’re never excited about your job, something’s wrong. You work for many reasons—to keep a roof over your head, to use your skills and talents, perhaps to help others or achieve things most people can’t. But without some sense of purpose and passion for work, you’ll burn out in a hurry.

4. You’re Not as Good at Your Job as You Used to Be

Maybe you’re making little mistakes that you ordinarily would never make, or maybe you’re less engaged with your work and therefore less effective. But if you feel like you’re not good at your job—and you used to be confident that you were!—you might consider whether it’s time for a change.

5. You Spend a Lot of Time Venting About Work

A little griping about work never hurt anyone. (Provided that you’re doing your complaining to a trusted friend, not a coworker who might be your boss someday.) But if you’re spending a lot of your time venting about your job, consider whether the good still outweighs the bad.

6. You Find It Harder to Concentrate

Obviously, it’s easier to give something your full attention when you’re engaged with it. Beyond that, hating your job takes a lot of energy. If you loathe your work right now, you probably don’t have a lot of energy left over for your actual duties.

7. Your Vices Have Multiplied

Cookies are no longer your sometimes treat. Comfort food is on the menu three times a day. And cocktail hour has become a cocktail evening and night. Meanwhile, you aren’t getting much exercise these days, and the last time you saw a vegetable, it was in a public service message plastered to the wall by your bus stop. (And it made you feel pretty resentful, truth to be told.)

8. You Haven’t Had a Raise in a Long, Long Time

Money isn’t everything, but it’s hard to pay the electric bill without it. Beyond that, it’s hard to feel appreciated when your paycheck has stayed the same while your job requirements have increased. Plus, thanks to inflation, if you don’t get regular raises, you’re actually earning less than you were a few years ago.

9. You Don’t Have the Time or Energy for Your Outside Interests

Maybe it’s because you’re depressed and don’t have the energy, or maybe it’s because you work so much that you don’t have time to engage in hobbies or spend time with friends and family. Whatever the reason, it’s not a good sign.

10. You Feel Like You’re Always at Work, Even on Your Day Off

The irony of being stuck in a job you hate is that it tends to consume your every waking moment—even if you don’t have a boss who calls you at home or emails you at 3 am. Good jobs allow for true work-life balance, which means being able to unplug from work to enjoy your life. If you find that you’re always ruminating about work—or actually working, when you’re meant to be enjoying time off—it might be time to move on.

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

We all know what it’s like to feel trapped at a job we hate. Every day is a struggle, from the time you get out of bed to the time you leave the office, and most of your time off is simply spent dreading what the next workday will bring. It’s a negative situation, for both you and for your employer.

But before you turn in your two weeks’ notice, it’s important to understand exactly why you hate your job. First, it will give you an opportunity to analyze the situation and possibly change things for the better. Second, if you are unable to make any improvements, it will give you an idea of what to look for and what to avoid in your next job.

These seven motivations are some of the most common reasons cited by people who hate their jobs:

1. You Aren’t Being Challenged. Challenges come in many forms. You probably have a responsibility you hate, or a client that constantly tries your patience, but those aren’t fundamental challenges because they don’t make you improve yourself in order to progress. No matter how “difficult” or “easy” your job is, if you don’t meet adequate challenges on a regular basis, you’re going to get bored. In an ideal job, you’ll face slight challenges–tasks and initiatives that are slightly outside of your skillset and encourage you to reach new heights–almost every day. If you don’t find yourself challenged, you’ll feel bored and resentful, and you’ll grow to hate your job entirely.

Make it better: Work with your supervisor or coworkers to find new ways to improve yourself. Start a new initiative in areas you aren’t familiar with, or attend a class that helps you develop a new skill.

2. Your Pay and Benefits Are Unsatisfying. Unsatisfying pay makes you dread your daily responsibilities because you are painfully aware of the underwhelming reward for doing them. If, for instance, you know your paycheck will barely cover your bills, staying late to finish a major project will leave you feeling resentful toward your employer. Every worker in America would like to make more money, given the opportunity, but if you feel like you aren’t being paid fairly, every day of work is an uphill battle.

Make it better: Sometimes, this concern is quickly and easily fixed. Pay is negotiable, and good employers will listen to your salary concerns even if they can’t afford to give you a raise. Talk to your boss about why you feel underpaid, and what it would take to make you feel adequately compensated. Use objective measurements of your performance and industry statistics to demonstrate your value.

3. You Feel Unappreciated. Even if your pay is adequate, it’s possible to feel unappreciated if your work goes unnoticed. If you go out of your way to improve your performance or exceed expectations, you should be acknowledged for those efforts. Your co-workers should be congratulating you for your accomplishments, and your supervisor should be rewarding you, verbally or tangibly, when you achieve something great. Workers thrive in environments where their achievements are met with acknowledgement, but if you find yourself unrecognized and unappreciated, it’s easy to grow to hate your job.

Make it better: Have a direct conversation with your supervisor about the matter. Come to him or her with concrete examples of times when you have exceeded expectations and done something great for the company when you haven’t been recognized. Don’t complain about not being rewarded; instead, ask that future efforts be recognized.

4. You Feel Out of Sync With the Company. This one may seem vague, but there are several factors responsible for making you feel out of sync with your company. You could feel unaligned with your company’s core values. You could feel out of place with the culture and personalities of your coworkers. You could have a strong distaste for the way your boss does things. The structure and balance of your team can have a major impact on your long-term satisfaction with the job, and sometimes those qualities are intangible.

Make it better: It’s hard to change the core values of your company, but there are things you can change. Ask around to see if you can be transferred to a different team. If that’s not possible, try and influence your group with some of your own personality traits and work preferences. If it’s met with positive reception, you can improve your sync with the company. If it isn’t, it’s time to start looking for work elsewhere.

5. You Aren’t Passionate About Your Work. Passion is what motivates people. To some extent, your job shouldn’t feel like a job. Most people don’t make money simply by doing what they love, but there should be characteristics about your job that make you happy and excited to work. If you can’t think of any reason you would do your job other than receiving a paycheck, it’s clear you’ve lost your passion (or you’ve never had it in the first place).

Make it better: Try to rediscover what attracted you to the job in the first place. Look at your responsibilities from a new angle, or find a new way to work that makes your job seem fresh. Alternatively, think about your true passions and how you can turn those into a new career.

6. You Can’t Advance. Most people work to get ahead, starting at the bottom of the company and earning promotions with the intention of someday getting to the top. If you feel like you can’t move forward or grow as a professional, you’ll see your job as a dead end, and you’ll begin to hate coming to work.

Make it better: If you can’t get yourself any higher, try making a lateral move instead. Start developing peripheral skills or learning more about a different department. You’ll add more skills to your skillset, increase your value as an employee, and refresh your perspective with a new position and new responsibilities.

7. You Think Somewhere Else Would Be Better. It’s also entirely possible that you hate your job simply because you think another job would be better. It’s a symptom of the “grass is always greener” mentality that leads people to be dissatisfied with an otherwise adequate situation. Of course, there could always be a better job with better pay, better co-workers, and a better set of responsibilities, but that isn’t a good reason to hate what you currently have.

Make it better: Look at your job more positively. Instead of focusing on what elements of your job could be better, focus on what’s already great about it. It’s good to acknowledge where your job fails to meet your expectations, but don’t let “what if’s” and “could be’s” compromise your opinion of a job that’s fantastic overall.

Which of these reasons apply to you?

Don’t subject yourself to a job you hate, even if you convince yourself that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Making yourself miserable isn’t good for anybody; it obviously lowers your quality of life, it makes you less productive and therefore a liability for your company, and it makes your time off less relaxing. Instead of putting up with it, make a change: Either find a way to make your job more tolerable, or start looking for a better one.

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

Whether you love working from home or hate it, surveys suggest that it’s here to stay for many companies and employees. You may be planning to make working from home permanent, or at least a permanent option, for your company’s employees. And you may be planning to work at home forever yourself.

There are some obvious advantages to working at home, such as zero commute time, a more relaxed dress code, greater control over your schedule, and no need to spend money on takeout coffee or food. But there are some serious disadvantages too. Last week, the personal finance site GOBankingRates published a list of 29 things that are good or bad about working at home. Here are some of the biggest drawbacks and what to do about them.

1. Interruptions.

You may face unwelcome interruptions from your spouse, partner, roommate, or kids who don’t fully understand that even though you’re home, you’re still very much at work. Working at home while caring for small children is a particular challenge and requires extra support from employers and other family members. When it comes to adults and older children in your household, though, it’s up to you to set appropriate boundaries so that they know when it’s acceptable to talk to you or enter your workspace, and when it isn’t. “Establish ‘do not disturb’ hours that are interruption free,” GOBankingRates advises.

2. A 24-Hour Workday.

You may feel compelled to make up for your absence from the office by being available to do things like answer emails or solve problems 24 hours a day. That’s a particular problem for entrepreneurs who can’t easily turn their at-work responsibilities off. And if your workplace is now in your living room or bedroom, it may be hard to ever think of yourself as away from work.

But it’s essential that you do just that. You must disconnect completely from your job for part of every day and every week, otherwise your own performance, your mental and physical health, and ultimately your company will suffer. If you can, segregate your work space from your living space by putting it in a dedicated room or perhaps putting up a screen. Make sure your customers, employees, and anyone else you work with all know that there are some times when you just won’t respond to business demands.

3. FOMO.

Fear of missing out is one reason so many of us tend to overwork when we work at home. Even if everyone else at your company is also working at home, it’s hard to shake the nagging feeling that there are things going on and conversations happening that you should know about but don’t. If some people at your company are working in the office while you’re working at home, that feeling can be even more acute–and indeed research suggests that in that situation, people who work at home do risk damage to their careers.

Either way, the best antidote to FOMO is increased communication. Pick up the phone and call a colleague or direct report just to check in or say hello. If you’re wondering about conversations or meetings that might be happening without your participation, sometimes the simplest approach is to ask your co-workers what’s going on with important projects or issues and if there’s any important information you’re missing.

4. Never leaving the house.

For some of us, stay-at-home orders have become very literal. With infinite streaming video choices and anything we need easily available by delivery, it’s all too easy to simply stay in our houses all the time. At a time when Covid-19 infection rates are on the rise, it may seem safer, too.

But it’s not necessarily healthy to stay indoors all the time, and the chances of infection are considerably lower during outdoor activities. So if it’s at all possible, make sure to get out, at least for a walk, several times a week or ideally every day.

5. Procrastination.

Productivity may increase when people work at home, but so do struggles with self-motivation and procrastination. It’s just plain easier to get down to work when you’re in a buzzing office surrounded by busy colleagues than when you’re home alone with the TV or gaming console a few steps away.

There are many different approaches to fighting procrastination. Perhaps the most important thing is to remember to be kind to yourself. Keep in mind that procrastination often results from anxiety, which is something all of us are feeling these days.

6. Lack of tech support.

If you’re accustomed to calling the IT department whenever something’s not working, you may be in for severe frustration if your home computer, software, or internet connection fails. If that happens, you may be able to get remote support from whoever would have helped you back at the office. Or you may be on your own.

The best way to solve this problem is by giving it some thought before it happens. If your computer or internet connection fails, what will you do first? Redundancy is your best protection–have a laptop as well as a desktop, or add a tablet that you can work on in a pinch. And have a hotspot ready to go on your phone, or with a separate device, in case your internet connection fails.

7. Loneliness.

You may not think of it this way, but your workplace is a big part of your social life. And your other usual social activities, such as school events, club meetings, or musical events (normally a big part of my life), could be curtailed as well because of the pandemic.

It’s important to make sure you don’t become isolated, which is not only bad for your morale, it can also lead to depression and even shorten your life. So, difficult though it is these days, make your social life a priority. Meet a friend or colleague for a socially distanced stroll. Or schedule a virtual happy hour. (We have one with some of our friends every Sunday.)

Socializing, even by video chat, is a lot better than spending all your time alone, and it’s better than leaning on your family or household members for all your social interaction. So make sure to make the time and effort to keep up as much social interaction as you can. Your productivity, your health, and even your mood will all benefit.

I just accepted a one-year consulting engagement that I’m very excited about.

I’ve never been an independent consultant before, but I’ve done a lot of internal consulting.

I got the consulting gig through my former boss “Pam” who recommended me for the job. For the first time in my life, I have a contract that guarantees me an income for one year (unless I do something stupid).

I’ve been working for over twenty years and I’ve never had a bit of job security before.

I just escaped from a full-time job in a toxic work environment and I can see why so many friends of mine have given up on the corporate world.

In the job I just quit, the best employees quit and the worst people got promoted to management jobs.

The people with all the ideas were shunned and pushed aside. They didn’t stick around. The tush-kissers with no ideas got promoted and spent their time in meetings, talking about their upcoming vacations. (I know because I was forced to sit through a lot of those meetings. They were excruciating.)

I was naive. I tried to stick it out and help the company succeed. The harder I worked, the worse I got treated. When a completely unqualified person got promoted to be my manager because she was personal friends with the VP, I left. It was hard to leave the company I had worked so hard for but the minute I was out of there, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.

Now I see that I was deluding myself when I thought maybe things would turn around.

The culture was totally broken. It’s not going to get fixed unless there’s a change at the top of the organization. The current CEO is in over his head and he’s not going to admit it or ask for help.

Here’s my question. Why do companies promote people who aren’t remotely qualified into management positions? It seems like the worst thing they could do because there’s so much riding on those management jobs. You would think they would be more careful about making appointments for management positions because of the risk to the company if they put the wrong person in the job.

What’s your take, Liz?

Thanks for your incredible advice and support!

Fearful people need to have other fearful people around them. Of course it would make better financial sense to hire the most qualified person you could find for every position — not just management positions — but time after time we see instances where that doesn’t happen.

What is a fearful manager’s greatest fear? It’s not that the business might fail. They could easily make excuses for that. They could say they were hamstrung by their Board of Directors or that the market collapsed out from under them. They could say any number of things.

They have a greater fear than their fear of business failure. Their greatest fear is that somebody working near them might challenge them, or show them up for being a dimwit! Ego is stronger than fear of business failure.

Lousy employees get promoted to lofty positions in fear-based organizations because they are non-threatening to the leaders. Non-threatening is the best thing you can be in a toxic environment. It’s the principal job requirement.

If you pay attention in any fear-based environment you’ll see that the people at the top talk a good game when it comes to business results but what they really care about is protecting their own turf and their own power base. They would much rather see the company collapse around them than to admit they were wrong, or admit they have no clue what they’re doing.

That’s how the weenie brain works!

In healthy companies, people debate issues. They know that smart people won’t always agree. They expect dissent around any big management decision and they keep the lines of communication open. They don’t silence people who disagree with them because they know that healthy debate is good for them and bad for their competitors.

In unhealthy companies, there is no debate. There is no dissent. If you don’t toe the party line you get fired. If you can’t stand the dysfunction for another minute, you bail. That’s why the best employees always quit first. They have the most confidence, and the most job opportunities in other firms.

The fearful employees stick around. It’s hard to see our own fear when we are in the middle of it. Now that you’re out of that toxic environment, look back at your fear. Don’t be ashamed of it. We all feel fear at times. Pay attention to your fear so you can learn from it. What made you hesitate to job-hunt until Pam told you about the consulting gig?

Maybe your brain was telling you one of these lies:

1) The devil I know is better than the one I don’t.

2) I hate my job but at least I know how do the job. If I start something new, I might fail!

3) This job isn’t THAT bad. No job is perfect. Why should I start over now?

Fear is the membrane we all need to step through to continue on our path, and to get stronger.

Every time you step out of your comfort zone, it feels scary — but it only feels scary the first time you step into new territory!

Now that you’re going to be consulting for a whole year, your muscles will get huge. You’re not so likely to get stuck in a bad environment again. You’ll remember how painful it felt to sit at your job wondering why you felt so angry and helpless.

You weren’t helpless but in a toxic environment, it’s easy to feel that way!

Your consulting gig is going to pay good money. Squirrel some of that money away!

Don’t ever get stuck in the situation where you have to keep a lousy job because otherwise you won’t be able to pay your bills.

Put away at least ten percent of your income so you have a cushion. It seems hard to save money when there are so many bills to pay and so many cool things you could do with every paycheck, but remember — freedom is the coolest thing you can buy!

All the best to you in your new assignment —

Why do we hate?

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

Recently, several members of a group calling itself “Respect the Flag” were sentenced to prison for terrorizing guests at the birthday party of an 8-year-old African-American girl in Georgia. Pointing a shotgun, they yelled racial slurs and death threats at guests, including children.

It wasn’t an isolated incident. According to a recent study, there are at least 917 organized hate groups in the United States. The study, based on data collected by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) and presented in their annual census of hate groups, looked at the presence of hate groups on Twitter. SPLC found that the number of likes and comments on hate group accounts grew by 900 percent in the last two years.

Why do we hate? The reasons are complex, but following are some of the factors that may play a role in helping us understand hate and, hopefully, work toward change.

Fear of “The Other”

According to A.J. Marsden, assistant professor of psychology and human services at Beacon College in Leesburg, Florida, one reason we hate is because we fear things that are different from us.

Behavioral researcher Patrick Wanis, cites the in-group out-group theory, which posits that when we feel threatened by perceived outsiders, we instinctively turn toward our in-group—those with whom we identify—as a survival mechanism. Wanis explains, “Hatred is driven by two key emotions of love and aggression: One love for the in-group—the group that is favored; and two, aggression for the out-group—the group that has been deemed as being different, dangerous, and a threat to the in-group.”

Fear of Ourselves

According to Washington, D.C., clinical psychologist Dana Harron, the things people hate about others are the things that they fear within themselves. She suggests thinking about the targeted group or person as a movie screen onto which we project unwanted parts of the self. The idea is, “I’m not terrible; you are.”

This phenomenon is known as projection, a term coined by Freud to describe our tendency to reject what we don’t like about ourselves. Psychologist Brad Reedy further describes projection as our need to be good, which causes us to project “badness” outward and attack it:

“We developed this method to survive, for any ‘badness’ in us put us at risk for being rejected and alone. So we repressed the things that we thought were bad (what others told us or suggested to us that was unlovable and morally reprehensible) — and we employ hate and judgment towards others. We think that is how one rids oneself of undesirable traits, but this method only perpetuates repression which leads to many mental health issues.

Lack of Self-compassion

The antidote to hate is compassion — for others as well as ourselves. Self-compassion means that we accept the whole self. “If we find part of ourselves unacceptable, we tend to attack others in order to defend against the threat,” says Reedy. “If we are okay with ourselves, we see others’ behaviors as ‘about them’ and can respond with compassion. If I kept hate in my heart for [another], I would have to hate myself as well. It is only when we learn to hold ourselves with compassion that we may be able to demonstrate it toward others.”

It fills a void

Psychologist Bernard Golden, author of Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work, believes that when hate involves participation in a group, it may help foster a sense of connection and camaraderie that fills a void in one’s identity. He describes hatred of individuals or groups as a way of distracting oneself from the more challenging and anxiety-provoking task of creating one’s own identity:

“Acts of hate are attempts to distract oneself from feelings such as helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy and shame. Hate is grounded in some sense of perceived threat. It is an attitude that can give rise to hostility and aggression toward individuals or groups. Like much of anger, it is a reaction to and distraction from some form of inner pain. The individual consumed by hate may believe that the only way to regain some sense of power over his or her pain is to preemptively strike out at others. In this context, each moment of hate is a temporary reprieve from inner suffering.”

Societal and Cultural Factors

The answer to why we hate, according to Silvia Dutchevici, LCSW, president and founder of the Critical Therapy Center, lies not only in our psychological makeup or family history, but also in our cultural and political history. “We live in a war culture that promotes violence, in which competition is a way of life,” she says. “We fear connecting because it requires us to reveal something about ourselves. We are taught to hate the enemy — meaning anyone different than us — which leaves little room for vulnerability and an exploration of hate through empathic discourse and understanding. In our current society, one is more ready to fight than to resolve conflict. Peace is seldom the option.”

What Can We Do?

Hatred has to be learned, Golden says: “We are all born with the capacity for aggression as well as compassion. Which tendencies we embrace requires mindful choice by individuals, families, communities and our culture in general. The key to overcoming hate is education: at home, in schools, and in the community.”

According to Dutchevici, facing the fear of being vulnerable and utterly human is what allows us to connect, to feel, and ultimately, to love. She suggests creating “cracks in the system.” These cracks can be as simple as connecting to your neighbor, talking with a friend, starting a protest, or even going to therapy and connecting with an ‘Other.’ It is through these acts that one can understand hate and love.”

In other words, compassion towards others is the true context that heals.

The SPLC encourages anyone who witnesses a hate crime — including hateful harassment or intimidation — to first report the incident to local authorities, then go to SPLC’s #ReportHate intake page to continue the effort to track hate in the country.

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

You tend to think of yourself as a likable person. You pride yourself on being pretty easy to work with. Your workdays are generally free of conflict and ruffled feathers, and you’ve even been complimented on your congeniality before.

So, imagine your surprise when it becomes obvious to you that the person in the next cubicle over seems to absolutely detest you. He sighs or rolls his eyes when it’s your turn to share your ideas. He appears agitated when you speak up in meetings. And when it’s just the two of you waiting for an elevator, he decides to walk down the stairs—all 14 flights. For all intents and purposes, he seems to be actively working against you.

Well, what’s going on? To your knowledge, you haven’t done anything to upset him. So, why has he made it his personal mission to make your working relationship as difficult as possible—and how can you make him your best friend?

You can’t. Yes, it’s human nature to want to be well-liked. But, we all know that an office where everybody gets along perfectly is a total fantasy. However, learning to work effectively with people—even when they aren’t your biggest fans—is crucial.

So, here are some steps you can put into play in order to deal with that co-worker who seems to hate your guts. Spoiler alert: They don’t include screaming or a dramatic confrontation.

1. Take a Step Back

When finding out that someone in your office doesn’t like you, your first inclination might be to obsess over your relationship until you get some answers. What does he or she have against you? Did you do something offensive? Everybody likes you—what’s her problem?

But, as tempting as that analysis might be, it’s best if you step back and take a deep breath rather than immediately springing into action. Of course, nobody can blame you for wanting to make sense of the situation. However, it’s important to realize that people’s feelings aren’t always logical. So, the reasoning behind this person’s distaste for you just might never make sense.

2. Accept It

Yes, it’d be great if absolutely everybody liked you. But, you already know that it’s just not realistic. Remember, even Mother Teresa had her fair share of negativity and criticism lodged against her.

So, the best thing you can do for your own sanity and professionalism is to just accept that this person will never be starting up a fan club in your honor. You’ll need to find ways to collaborate together on work projects without heated arguments and tons of uncomfortable tension. But, there’s no law stating that you need to be best buddies outside of the office.

The quicker you can come to terms with your co-worker’s dislike, the better off you’ll be. After all, your focus should be on producing great work—not on changing his or her mind about you.

3. Decide Your Course of Action

Next, it’s time to decide whether or not your office tension requires further action. Is it something you need to talk over? Or, is better off just being left alone?

If your co-worker’s distaste is limited to a few smug smirks and subtle eye rolls, you’re probably better off letting it go and moving on. Sometimes confronting your colleague can actually just feed the tension and lead to an even more strained relationship.

However, if your co-worker’s blatant dislike is impeding your ability to produce great work (or if she has a dartboard with your face on it), you might need to take action in order to clear the air. When you and your co-worker are alone, start with something simple like, “I sense some tension between us, and I want to make sure we can collaborate to do our best on this project. Is there something I’m doing that bothers you?”

Perhaps you really are doing something that rubs your co-worker the wrong way—and you weren’t even aware until it was pointed out to you. Or, maybe he or she is just impossible to win over. Either way, you’ll know you tried your best to defuse the situation on your own.

But, if your relationship reaches the point where it’s completely counterproductive, it might be time for you to call in some reinforcements and escalate the issue. If necessary, approach your manager in order to explain the problems you’re facing—as well as how these troubles are a hindrance on your performance. Then, the ball is out of your court and your supervisor can decide how to best handle the situation. Sometimes, you just can’t keep the problem between the two of you—no matter how hard you try.

4. Be the Bigger Person

Whether you decide to approach your co-worker or not, it’s obviously important that you always maintain the utmost professionalism—no matter how strong your desire to be passive aggressive is.

You can’t control everyone’s feelings or actions, but you can control how you react to them. So, take the high road and always treat this person with respect and integrity. Being the bigger person can definitely take some effort—particularly if your colleague is provoking you and making it extra difficult. But, no matter how challenging it is, it’s always the better option.

In an ideal world, everyone would adore you and jump with excitement at the chance to work with you. But, unfortunately, you know that’s not always the case.

Having to collaborate with people who’d rather not be around you is inevitable, so it’s important that you learn how to cope. Put these tips into action in order to stifle your tense relationship and still get your work done. You can save your exasperated eye rolls for after work.

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

Reposted with permission from Matt Bonelli (5 reasons you should or should not become a Realtor).

Thinking about a career as a Realtor? You’re crazy! Or are you?

Here are five reasons you should avoid becoming a Realtor. They happen to be the same reasons you might fall in love with the field.

Which side are you on?

1. Flexibility

Pros: Hate working the 9- to-5 because you often sit around doing nothing just to put in some face time? Being a Realtor is the job for you! You’re not going to work fewer hours, but you get to organize your own schedule to make it work for you and your clients.

Cons: Managing your own schedule may sound like fun at first but it’s not that simple. Turns out it’s much easier to hit the snooze button than it is to wake up and make phone calls, create marketing and do pricing analyses.

2. Money

Pros: The best part about earning income as a real estate agent is that you get out what you put in.

This means your income cap is virtually limitless. A salary may provide some certainty, but commissions based on your own effort provide opportunity.

Cons: Steady income? Yeah, right! If you’re a new agent it could be a while until you see a paycheck.

Not only that, as a 1099 independent contractor, you have to track all of your expenses — and you probably won’t receive any health care benefits from your broker.

3. It’s emotional

Pros: Of course it’s an emotional business, but that’s good for you. If you keep a level head and stay focused on your clients, you will rise above the majority in this industry and stick out as a true expert.

Cons: There are a lot of different personalities you will have to interact with as an agent. Besides clients, you’re also dealing with other agents.

Some people just don’t know how to separate emotions from business. If you don’t like confrontation and can’t keep a level head, you might want to choose a different career path.

4. Career mobility

Pros: Climbing the corporate ladder isn’t fun, so be your own boss! Maybe it’s not that simple, but you would be amazed at what you can do for yourself by growing a business as a real estate agent and building your own brand.

There are a lot of opportunities within the real estate industry and even outside the industry that you can unlock from your success as a Realtor.

Cons: Hurray! You’re at the top! Well, where do you go from there?

If you’re not content with being a Realtor as your long-term career or you don’t have the vision to see how you can go beyond the average real estate agent, you may have hit your limit.

The only career advancement opportunities are the ones you make. You’re not getting an offer for that rich and famous contract just because you’re you.

5. It’s hard work

Pros: Yes, and thank God this is hard work! That means not just anyone can perform well.

Most new agents will wash out because they thought becoming a Realtor meant easy money. Take advantage of this; put in the hustle, and you will be on your way to great success.

Cons: Who knew this would be so hard? It looks so simple on TV. Turns out that people don’t just come running when you tell them you have a real estate license.

Managing listings, clients, transactions and your own marketing is really tough! It takes a lot of discipline and effort to get it right.

Based on those reasons, maybe now is not the time for you to become a Realtor. Does that sound strange coming from a Realtor? Maybe…

Matt Bonelli is a manager and broker associate for Turpin Realtors’ Chatham office in Chatham, New Jersey. You can follow him on Twitter or learn more about him on LinkedIn.

You know how you’re always talking about how you hate everyone? The thing is, the older you get, the more real this is.

True story: I don’t really have friends anymore. I’m super close with my family; my siblings and two of my cousins are my best friends. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you may be wondering why the older you get, the more you hate everyone (or, rather, why more people get on your nerves). I’m here to tell you a personal tale.

I used to have a ton of friends. I confided important things in a couple of people I considered to be my best friends. I felt like they knew my soul through and through; they could see me; they would never go anywhere. In my mind, I thought they would be in my wedding party, we’d have kids around the same time, and we’d raise our kids as best friends.

But as time went on, I graduated from school and got a “real job.” I matured, grew up, and things changed. All of those friendships I thought I couldn’t live without fizzled out.

I want to make it clear that I in no way entirely blame other people for my lack of friends. I played a critical role in the deterioration of those friendships. But at first, I felt really horrible about the whole thing. I felt like I was putting in a lot more effort and giving a lot more of myself than I was getting back.

As soon as I stopped giving each relationship my all, the friendships started to decline. Neither of us put in the work to fix what was broken. Instead, we walked away.

That’s the thing about some people: They might walk in and out of your life. I’ve come to the conclusion that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends because you start to realize you’re done with drama and don’t have time for nonsense. And the most important takeaway of all is that it’s really OK, because this is your life to live.

The older you get, the less you’re willing to put up with.

When you’re young, you may have wanted to be friends with everyone. As you get more mature, the less you’re willing to deal with anything that’s not worth your time and energy. For me, if someone wants to be a shady, they have no place in my life. If someone isn’t going to put the work in to make our friendship sustainable, it can feel disappointing, but I don’t have time for the nonsense anymore. If that means losing friends I had and not making any new ones, I’d rather spend my time alone than with someone who makes me feel alone.

The older you get, you might not care about making new friends.

I’ve gotten to the point in my life where making new friends isn’t even on my list of priorities. I’m still a friendly person. I chat it up with people and I hang out with people, but I don’t really let them in. I don’t tell them secrets. I don’t become vulnerable.

I’m past the point of making a new best friend. I have my family, and I’m completely OK with that. When you get to a certain age, making new friends stops being something that’s on the top of your to-do list.

The older you get, you may be less trusting of people.

When you’re a kid, you may expect people have your best interest at heart. You trust them with your whole heart. When you grow up more, you learn that people can disappoint and hurt you. It was astonishing to see so many close friends walk away, but luckily, that made walking away myself much simpler. I toughened up because I had to.

The older you get, the less you choose to put anyone before yourself.

I’ve learned that when you put yourself first, that’s when things really change for the better. A switch flips somewhere along the road between early adulthood and real adulthood.

You start doing things to please yourself rather than other people. The older you get, the less you stop looking for a ride-or-die friend. Instead, you start improving yourself. Friends may walk in and out of your life, but you will never leave you.

This post was originally published on Mar. 15, 2016. It was updated on Aug. 29, 2019.

The real reason why you hate working (and how to turn it around)

Why women hate giving blow jobs & men hate them for not doing it.

In my experience (and the experience of the guys I’ve worked with and the women I consulted when creating this report) there are 8 main reasons why women hate giving blow jobs (or why she will see it as a total chore and a “favor” if she does give you one.)

Some of these are really easy to deal with (seriously, just take a fucking shower.) Others take a little more effort on your part (but the rewards are definitely worth it.)

In this powerful report we’re going to get into the head of your woman around this whole blow job thing to find out why women hate giving blow jobs and understand what “going down” has come to symbolize in her mind.

Once you understand what giving you a blow job “means” to her, you’ll be well on your way to turning “giving you head” into her new favorite hobby.

So, if you’re ready let’s find out Why Women “Hate” Blow Jobs and Why Men Love Them

The 8 Nefarious Reasons- Why Women Don’t Like Giving Head (and being a man what you can do about it.

NOTE: The reasons below all come from my own personal experience and from conversations I’ve had with women ranging from 25 to 60. Some of the women I talked to are avowed “blow job lovers” while others are women who “just don’t like doing that.”

Study this list and mark off in your mind the reasons that seem to apply to your woman.

#Reason 1: Why women hate giving blow jobs.

She thinks “It’s Degrading To Women.”

It seems a little old fashioned to me, but a lot of women still think that giving you a blow job is degrading to women.

Due to cultural stereotypes, things they’ve seen in porn or feminist theory, they see fellatio as a way for men to show their domination and power over women.

And you know what? To some degree they’re right.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m not supposed to say that, but on a deep and primal level getting a blow job (or GIVING a blow job) IS about power, connection, service and submission.

It’s about one person doing everything they can to make another person feel good. And done right it can be a hell of a boost to the ego of both people in the equation.

This might sound unbelievable depending on how often you get head, but a lot of women actually LIKE the submissive aspect of giving blow jobs (more than you’d probably think.)

And I don’t know about you, but I definitely DO feel powerful and virile and just plain GOOD when my wife is going down on me.

I mean, there’s a reason we guys LOVE getting blow jobs in the first place and it’s not all physical.

There’s a damned good mix of power and fantasy mixed in there as well.

So while I agree that a blow job really can be about power (both your power over her and her power over you) I totally reject the idea that a blow job is “degrading” to women.

I believe it’s a 2 way process when you eat her pussy out or stimulate her clitoris to give her sexual pleasure and orgasm and in return she favors you. In the end it’s all about good sex and love making.

When we get to the “step by step” part of this report I’m going to show you how to “flip the switch” on how your woman thinks about blow jobs by taking control of her mind.

So instead of seeing it as something “degrading” and “humiliating” she sees it as a way of exerting her sexual power over you.

For now, I want you to do two things:

1. Accept the fact that getting a blow job is about more than just physical pleasure for you.

Deep down in your subconscious there’s a part of you that gets off on having a woman “worship” your cock and be completely dedicated to your pleasure. And you know what? That’s just fine.

I’ll tell you right now, if you’re in any way “ashamed” about your desire for a blow job it’s going to be a lot harder to make this work.

So just accept it. You want a hummer. In fact, you want a great, eager, fun, toe curling hummer. It’s cool.

2. Stop thinking of a blow job as something she “does for you” and start thinking of it as something you can SHARE together.

We’ll get more into this later, but on a conscious level I need you to start seeing blow jobs as a POSITIVE thing that you and your woman can do together that you BOTH should enjoy.