Coping with the things you can and can’t control.
- What Is Stress?
- Find a therapist to overcome stress
Your home is in disarray, you’re behind on your bills, your inbox is overflowing, and your cat is in need of a visit to the vet. There are things to be done everywhere you look, and you don’t know where to start. It seems like your life is a mess, and you don’t know how to take control of it. You shouldn’t even be reading this article because you’ve got so much to do.
Fortunately, you have come to the right place: Psychology gives us fantastic ways to cope with stress—and it is stress that’s causing you to feel this way. The field of stress and coping is one of the most prolific in psychology, and also one of the easiest to understand and apply to your life.
Some of the first forays into stress were conducted by the renowned physiologist Hans Selye, who defined the “General Adaptation Syndrome.” Selye proposed that we deal with stressful situations much as his lab animals did—by becoming alarmed, trying to resist, and eventually succumbing to exhaustion if the stress continues.
Unlike lab animals, humans possess “cognition,” meaning that we think about our experiences and decide whether they represent stress or not. Berkeley psychologist Richard Lazarus proposed that a situation is stressful only if we perceive it that way. A “threat” to you may be a “challenge” to someone else. You see a full inbox as presenting an insurmountable problem, but your best friend loves to tackle all of those emails in an efficient way, and even sees them as a testimonial to her importance to others.
Lazarus and his collaborator, Susan Folkman of the University of San Francisco, proposed that we deal with stress in two basic ways:
- In problem-focused coping, we directly address the threat by trying to change the situation.
- In emotion-focused coping, we try to make ourselves feel better about the threat.
Lazarus and Folkman’s research showed that there’s no one best way to cope. Whatever helps reduce your stress is the method that is best for you, although problem-focused coping is better when you can actually change a situation and emotion-focused is best when you can’t.
In the three-plus decades since these advances in defining stress and coping, hundreds of studies have further elucidated the relationships among stress, coping, and psychological well-being. University of Connecticut psychologists Kristen Riley and Crystal Park (2014) provide insight into how you can take the feeling of being overwhelmed by life’s messes and transform it into useful action that helps you turn a threat into a challenge.
According to Riley and Park, there is a third type of coping—meaning-focused coping—in which you change the way you approach a stressful situation and see it as providing you with an opportunity for growth. This is like looking for the silver lining after a relationship ends.
However, the silver lining may not always be so evident, nor may it provide you relief from the stress that’s a result of feeling like your life is a mess. Riley and Park studied the possibility that by redefining a threat as a challenge, you can actually do a better job of feeling better. Instead of just refusing to open your inbox (emotion-focused coping), you should see it as a challenge to your ability to tackle the task. Now you’ll confront the process more confidently, which allows you to eliminate this as a source of stress.
Riley and Park asked a sample of 284 undergraduates to complete a set of questionnaires at three time points over a three-month period to report on their reactions to the same, participant-defined, stressful event. The event they selected was prompted by the researchers to be “the worst ongoing thing you are dealing with,” or what is called a “chronic” stressor. Participants rated whether the event involved something truly serious and whether they felt they could control the event. Outcomes included ratings by participants of their degree of stressful and depressive feelings.
- What Is Stress?
- Find a therapist to overcome stress
The fact that the study allowed multiple assessments over time gave the researchers the chance to test a causal model in which they pitted problem-focused vs. meaning-focused coping as a way to reduce stress and depression. Riley and Park predicted that problem-focused coping would actually be better than meaning-focused coping at getting these chronic stressors to be perceived as controllable, and hence, better adjusted to by the participants. Although participants weren’t able to reduce their stress entirely, by seeing themselves as able to manage the stress, participants did begin to tackle it.
The types of stresses identified by the University of Connecticut students were, as you might imagine, primarily academic in nature. Therefore, this study provides a good framework for thinking about the kind of stress that makes you feel that your life is a mess. Students have to balance their academic workload with jobs they need to help pay for school, as well as problems with roommates, parents, and other things going on in their lives. Feeling they had the resources to address their problems gave the students the energy they needed to help reduce their stress.
Stress Essential Reads
Dealing With a Stressful Situation When All Alone
Disaster-Related Stress: From the Universal to the Unique
In your own life, redefining a “mess” as something that you can straighten out is the first step to take to make that mess more organized. Retreating into Facebook or your favorite video game won’t help—although it may help you forget about things for a while. Instead, take those first steps; you’ll be able to see your mess as controllable, and one by one, its causes will go away.
Fulfillment in life doesn’t mean that things always go smoothly. Instead, when the going does get rough, see yourself in control of managing life’s messes. Eventually, your fulfillment will follow, one stress-reducing step at a time.
Feel free to join my Facebook group, “Fulfillment at Any Age,” to discuss today’s blog post or to ask further questions about this post.
Riley, K., & Park, C. L. (2014). Problem-focused vs. meaning-focused coping as mediators of the appraisal-adjustment relationship in chronic stressors. Journal of Social And Clinical Psychology, 33(7), 587-611. doi:10.1521/jscp.2014.33.7.587
Table of Contents:
“How do you turn your life around when everything falls apart?”
First things first.
Before you can accomplish anything in the present you must first eradicate your guilt and shame about the past.
In this question, you asked “How do you turn your life around when everything falls apart”
This question is coming from a place of pain and scarcity and I’ll be honest with you … I get it.
Life can be brutal at times and it can feel like there’s no hope.
But it’s in times like this where you must shift your focus from the sh*t storm happening around you and behind you and instead focus on the rainbow and pot of gold that you’re moving towards.
With that out of the way here is a simple 7 step formula to turn things around when it all goes wrong.
Step 1: Double down on your health and fitness
Whenever life gets crazy, the first thing that takes a hit is our health and fitness.
When we get stressed at work or at home, it’s easy to slack off in the gym, eat more comfort foods, and generally abandon our well being.
If things are falling apart in your life then THE most important thing that you can do to get your life back on track is to:
- Lift heavy weights 4X a week and sprint once a week
- Eat a whole foods diet with only one serving of meat a day
- Sleep 8–9 hours a night
- Prioritize rest, relaxation, and recovery
You won’t be able to find a solution to your problems if you are constantly stressed out, low energy, and lethargic.
High achievement (in any area of life) is a direct result of high levels of energy and enthusiasm.
Before you move onto the next step, I want you to write down three ways you’re going to prioritize your health TODAY and leave your response in the comments below.
You can’t pull yourself out of the rut you’re in without great health. Reclaim your fitness and vitality, and you’ll reclaim your life.
Step 2: Express daily gratitude for what you already have
This response probably pisses you off… And I get it.
When the crap hits the fan the last thing anyone wants to hear is “Be grateful for what you have”.
The fact that you even have a device where you can ask this question here on Quora shows me that you have something to be grateful for.
If you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and breath in your lungs, then you have something to be grateful for … Period.
Starting today, I want you to commit to 30 days of ZERO complaining and daily gratitude. Keep a journal next to your bed and write down five things you’re grateful for every morning and evening.
I promise it will change your life.
Step 3: Commit to Kaizen
When life is falling apart around us it’s easy to get so caught up in our own story that we can’t see the forest through the trees.
The fact of the matter is that, whatever you are going through right now, no matter how bad… It will pass. It will end and you will get better.
And the way it’s going to get better is NOT overnight, but over the course of months and years as a result of a constant commitment so small daily improvements.
I know you want to change your life and you want to change it NOW, but be patient.
Commit to the long game. Improve your health, finances, and relationships by only 1% a day.
Engage in small daily action and over the next 1–2 years your life will transform before your very eyes.
Step 4: Laugh your butt off
When life gets hard, we often stop prioritizing laughter and play.
It makes sense right?
Life sucks so why would we want to be laughing or act happy? Well… You want to laugh because life isn’t going well right now.
I’ve found from personal experience that watching stand up comedies and binging on funny Netflix shows is one of the best ways to pull myself out of a rut and get back my enthusiasm for life.
Laugh until your stomach hurts everyday and I promise things will get better.
Step 5: Commit to a goal and follow the 5-step success formula
I don’t know you and I don’t know how your life is “Falling apart” but I do know that whatever is going wrong can be turned around.
If your finances, health, relationships or a combination of all three have been thrown in the gutter, then you need to set a concrete goal for yourself to fix the situation using the five step success formula.
- Make a plan: Write out what you will do and why you will do it
- Get professional accountability: Hire a coach, call up a friend you respect, or use a website like this one and get someone keeping you accountable for your actions
- Get social support: Find people who love you and care about you and ask for their help. Or just put a post up on Facebook
- Find an Incentive: Pick a reward for yourself when you accomplish your goal. For example if your goal is to get out of debt, your reward could be a dream vacation, an expensive dinner, or a night on the town with your buddies
This formula is simple … But it works.
If you will implement these five pillars of success and apply them to your goal, you will be able to turn your life around in record time.
Step 6: Reconnect with old friends and family members
Desperation breeds isolation.
This then breeds further desperation and the vicious cycle continues.
As soon as you find yourself slipping into a negative state or a period of desperation IMMEDIATELY stop what you’re doing and connect with 5 people you care about.
Call up old friends, stop by your parent’s house, connect with someone who cares about you.
By rebuilding your social support network you will take a powerful step towards getting your life back on track.
Step 7: Relax and take a page from Bob Marley
Don’t worry … About a thing … ‘Cuz every little thing … Gonna be alright.
You can’t take life too seriously. Because, at the end of the day, no matter how badly you mess up or how gloriously you succeed, we’re all headed to the same place (wherever that is).
100 years from now, you’ll probably be dead.
All of the things you care about now won’t matter.
And this is a freeing thought.
At the end of the day, you only have one life to live. So why waste even a second of it lamenting the past and living in a negative state.
You have a choice to be happy right now. Even while your life is falling apart.
So stop worrying.
Put in the work, of course.
But realize that, when it’s all said and done, the only thing that really matters is whether or not you made the most of your time here on earth.
Did you laugh? Did you enjoy yourself? Did you have fun?
If yes, then you succeeded.
If not then it’s time to step up, go after what you want, and live your dream life.
I hope this helps.
Stay strong, Be grounded.
This article first appeared on Medium.
A survival kit
Ok, there you are, you managed to hit rock bottom, a state of ultimate broke and despair, a face to face with bankruptcy and depression.
Since problems usually come in bundled offers, destiny has treated you with a few more disappointments: your girlfriend now thinks you should be “good friends” while your actual buddies lost all their fingers and can’t pick up your calls.
You’re on your own.
Before considering options like suicide by gas or meth overdose, try these tips, they’re great when everything is falling apart.
Run, swim, do yoga and BREATHE BIG. Do whatever it takes to flood your system with fresh blood and oxygen.
There are good reasons why working out squashes depression.
Google it if you’re not convinced.
On top of that: you don’t need to think to work out, that’s great when you feel you have Mayo instead of a brain.
Don’t look down, that’s what everybody does when depressed.
Also: pump up your chest. Smile if you can. Remember your posture the last time you were feeling great (right before you checked your latest bank statement).
That’s no bs: position your body as if you were feeling good, your mind will follow (they’re connected, that’s why).
Watch South Park
Or whatever dumbest comedy works for you. Everything has been made fun of, that includes the kind of crap you’re going through.
Talking yourself out of bad feelings doesn’t work as well as laughing them out.
Here’s a good piece about being broke for instance:
Remember: that’s not forever
I don’t care if it sounds lame to say it, so I’ll say it again:
“This too shall pass”.
Think about all the disasters you experienced where you thought pain would crush you entirely…
What’s left of all that?
The same will hold true for this present situation.
Ride the blessing
Don’t believe you’re cursed, you’re not.
Hard times operate like purifiers: they shower away life’s cling-ons: unreliable people, crappy girlfriends (or boyfriends), jobs that you hated anyway.
They also cleanse your life of stale beliefs and help you gain actual knowledge on yourself.
Once the storm is gone, you’ll start a new life: you’ll be wiser and stronger, and you’ll know for sure who you can really count on.
Ride the blessing, you’re not on your own.
And if it’s an encouragement you need, you surely have mine 🙂
For a weekly shot of life-saving posts about self-help, Buddhism and urban survival, you can subscribe here.
In case you want deeper content to support you through difficult times I strongly recommend this book: “When Things Fall Apart”, by Pema Chodron
A while back my dad cleaned out his garage. Believe me, it was a major challenge. Things had accumulated in that space for a number of years and many of those things were treasures from my childhood.
In all that stuff, I found my rock collection as well as a bunch of deflated basketballs and footballs, old baseball bats, baseballs without the covers on them—all kinds of things.
One of the forgotten little treasures found hidden away was a toy called The Strange Change Machine. It was still in perfect condition. Everything was intact. I took it in order to show it to my children, but I ended up playing with it for about two hours.
The Strange Change Machine came with a bunch of little plastic squares that are so hard you can’t bend or break them. You begin by plugging the machine in to heat it up. After waiting several minutes, you drop one of the plastic squares into a special chamber located on top of the machine. In just a few moments, the plastic square starts to evolve into something else. It begins to change shape, and before you know it, you’ve got a bird, a dinosaur, or some other animal.
It’s an amazing little toy. One minute there is just a hard square of plastic. You can’t see any lines or shapes on it. The square looks totally unalterable, fixed. You can’t imagine that it could be anything other than a plastic square. But when you put it in the machine and apply a little heat, it’s totally transformed. It becomes something new and different.
As I played with that machine, I suddenly realized that it’s a great picture for how God can work in any situation in your life. While things may seem hopeless and unchangeable, if you will turn everything over to God, He can turn it all around and create something good from it.
Deuteronomy 23:5 says, The LORD your God turned the curse into a blessing. The word turned in this verse is the same word we find in Exodus 7:14-15, where the Lord tells Moses to confront Pharaoh with the rod which was turned to a serpent.
You’ll remember that when Moses appeared before God at the burning bush, God told him to throw down his rod. When Moses obeyed, God turned the rod into a serpent. God totally changed the nature of that rod. When Moses was holding the rod, it didn’t look like it could possibly be anything other than a rod. But when Moses let go of it and let God have it, God was able to totally transform it.
Friend, when you let go of your problems and give them to God, HE CAN CHANGE THINGS. He can transform the impossible into the possible.
He can turn a curse into a blessing… your mistake into a miracle.
You say, “Okay, I believe God can change things for me, but why should He? Why would God do that?”
Deuteronomy 23:5 tells us why! The Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the LORD your God loves you.
God loves you, my friend. He cares for you, and that’s why He will turn your situation around. That’s why He is willing to turn your mistake into the greatest miracle in your life—because He loves you. Yes, God loves you!
So no matter what you’re going through today, give it over to God. When you do, watch what He does to turn your situation around.
Answers with Bayless Conley broadcasts practical teachings of the Bible to its viewers in a non-religious way. For years, Bayless Conley struggled with drugs and alcohol while searching for answers. It was not until he was more than 20 years of age that a 12-year-old boy showed him the powerful reality of a relationship with Christ. Since 1979, the Lord has opened the television airwaves to the Answers program, which currently airs each week in more than 100 nations around the world.
Breaking up is hard. Forgiving is even harder. You can repair your relationship.
If you’re the one who messed up, it’s time you fessed up.
Your relationship broke up. Maybe you lied or cheated. No matter what happened, getting your ex to forgive you is a little bit of work. But listen, it’s not completely impossible.
First, a warning, however. Your ex’s forgiveness is never guaranteed. You might never get your ex to completely forgive you. What I can offer is a roadmap. And hopefully the roadmap will lead you to forgiveness and a second chance.
1. Decide what you really want.
Sometimes all of this striving won’t really get you the kind of relationship that you want in the end. It’s important to take a step back and think about whether it’s your ex who you miss or it’s the act of being in a relationship with them that’s really bothering you. You can do everything under the sun to get your ex back, but if your relationship with them isn’t right in the first place, it’s a huge waste of time and energy.
Once you get clear on this, and it’s your ex who you indeed miss, proceed.
2. Take complete responsibility for your part and apologize sincerely.
So often we think that providing a genuine apology is a weakness, when really it’s the first step in getting things between the two of you to where they’re good again. Think of your sincere apology as opening the door and clearing the way to a better future between the two of you.
One caveat. You can’t apologize sloppily. What do I mean by sloppily?
“Oh my goodness dear, wonderful ex, I’m the most wrong person in the history of wrongness, and everything I ever did was for us and I somehow lost my path. I love you now and forever, please forgive me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
There are a few problems with this. It comes off ultra pathetic, and it’s clear that you’re trying to get something from your ex. Now, you ARE trying to get something from them (their forgiveness) but they can’t lose respect for you during your apology! This is better:
“I wanted to let you know that I’m really sorry for (whatever I did). It wasn’t the right thing to do or fair to you. You deserve better. I’m sorry.”
This is better for several reasons. First, it’s crystal clear exactly what you’re apologizing for. You aren’t groveling for the entire history of your relationship or making yourself look like a pathetic, sappy mess. You’re also recognizing and taking responsibility for the hurt that you caused them. Get in, get it done, get out.
3. Accept that they might punish you for a while.
Sometimes we hope that we’ll say the magic apology and our ex will immediately jump back into our arms, ready to forget about everything that happened. Unfortunately, this seldom happens. Depending on what you did, your ex is possibly still angry with you and will have a difficult time treating you the way you wish they would treat you.
Now, I never advocate letting anyone abuse you, and it’s up to you to decide how much of an emotional beating you’re willing to take. However, happy times might not happen again right away, and you’ve got to let them work through the anger and hurt, even after your sincere apology. That leads me to my next point.
4. Give them time and space to forgive you.
Knowing that they’re still upset or hurt can make us feel guilty and bad in our ex’s presence. We yearn for things between us to go back to how they once were, and we just want to get the whole process over with so things are happy again.
The problem is that often we want all of this way too soon. It can take a long time for someone to feel better around you, and you have to recognize this when looking for forgiveness. Let them process their feelings and give them some space to do it.
5. Avoid becoming defensive.
It’s up to you to maintain a clear head in the face of whatever they might toss your way.
Avoid the temptation to roll into an emotional ball, re-apologize, or launch into more explanations for your behavior. Stay calm, accept that they’re still emotional about what happened, and make them feel heard.
A good statement like “I completely understand why you’re upset about that,” works well. Let them get it out, and then gently move the conversation on or remove yourself from it. You listing the 24 reasons why you did what you did and apologizing profusely YET AGAIN will just add fuel to the fire. Instead, keep your eye on your real end goal — a harmonious relationship with your ex. Getting defensive and fighting doesn’t accomplish that goal.
I realize it’s hard when you feel like they’re attacking you, but it’s so important that you avoid saying something that you know will devastate them. Don’t fight back. Stay cool.
6. Continue trying to make it fun, even though it’s not fun right now.
The biggest mistake that people make with their exes is that they let negative patterns continue while they’re trying to get their ex back. What I mean is that instead of using their actions to remind their ex how amazing things were in the beginning of their relationship, they go back in and rehash all of the old, negative emotions.
If you really want your ex to forgive you, this is the wrong thing to do because it reinforces the negative pattern between the two of you. If they’re going to forgive you and repair your relationship, breaking that negative cycle is absolutely crucial.
If you’re wondering why men pull away from relationships and what you can do about it starting today, check out a free copy of Elizabeth’s book, Why Men Lose Interest and free (almost) dailyemail series here.
Posted on Published: August 20, 2018 Categories Simple Home, Simple Money
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Update: I wrote this post about our first house a few years ago and it has been a popular post ever since! It’s got a few updates for you. I still gaze lovingly at the “after” pictures of that kitchen. I loved it so much!
When we bought our house, it needed some work a ton of work.
Our county has a program to help first-time homeowners purchase their home. We bought a foreclosure home and then this program paid to have everything brought up to code and to fix things that were a health or safety hazard. It was absolutely amazing. They made our house livable.
However, just because our house was safe to live in did not mean it didn’t need any work.
Every room needed to be painted. The kitchen was ugly and not very functional, and a lot of small updates needed to happen.
It was actually kind of funny because blue is my least favorite color and everything in this house was blue. Blue walls, blue kitchen counters, and blue carpet. I’m glad to say that not much of the blue remains!
Update: I talked all about fixing up your house when you’re broke in a Facebook live session within our private community group (click here to join the group, we’d love to have you!). You can watch the replay below:
Make a List
Everything can be made better by creating a list, right?
A new house is overwhelming! Write down everything that you would like to fix or change.
Even little things like replacing lighting in the bedroom take time and money, so put it on the list. If you need to purchase any appliances, add those to the list too.
It’s ok if your list is five pages long because you’ll decide what’s most important next.
It’s time to focus.
We had all kinds of ideas for our house about adding a second bathroom and putting on a deck. While those things would have been great, we needed to set our priorities.
Decide what’s most important.
We focused on painting each room first. It’s relatively inexpensive to do and makes a house feel like it’s yours. We also bought a washer and dryer, the scratch and dent ones from Sears, so that we could finally do laundry at home (hallelujah!).
Since we had a tiny income, we lived in our house the way is was for a while after that. We had a long list of projects, though, and the #1 priority was the kitchen.
Create a Project Budget
I did a ton of research to figure out what we needed to do to our kitchen and estimated how much it would all cost. I came up with a budget of $1000 to update the kitchen.
Research what needs to be done and come up with a budget for your next project.
Don’t forget to add in the little things. All of the tiny finishing touches don’t cost much by themselves, but they all add up.
If you already have money saved up for projects, that’s awesome! Stick to your project budget and make it happen.
If you need to save up, start working on that. Work bonuses or tax returns are an awesome way to get money for a project.
I’m all about paying cash. Save up the money beforehand so that you don’t go into debt working on your house or have to stop halfway through because you ran out of money.
Do It Yourself
Do as much of the work as you can by yourself. Paying for labor is expensive!
We’ve been lucky enough to have family help us with most of our house projects, and it is a huge blessing. Some things are best left to the professionals, but you’ll save a chunk of money if you do a lot yourself.
Read some tutorials and watch YouTube videos to learn how to do your project yourself. You might be surprised what you can do and how easy some of it is.
(Sorry for the bad quality “before” pic, but you get the idea, right 🙂 )
Shop Holiday Sales
Hardware stores usually have good sales around the holidays.
We’ve gotten paint buy 1 gallon, get 1 free on Memorial and Labor Day weekends.
If you’re going to order anything online for your projects, check Ebates to see if you can earn cash back. I earned cash back for ordering our washer and dryer, plus window treatments. There are SO many stores that you can earn cash back at through Ebates, so it’s always worth checking.
Even if you’re not ready to do the work yet, start checking the sales for what you need for a month or two before you start. You might be able to save money by hitting up a good sale.
We saved money on our kitchen by shopping the sales at big hardware stores and buying stock cabinets and counters. If you buy what’s in stock, it’s always much cheaper than choosing custom finishes.
Shop Resale Stores or Free Sites
Just because someone else didn’t want it doesn’t mean it’s bad!
Shop around at resale shops, especially at a Habitat for Humanity resale shop, for materials. There may be discount home improvement stores in your area to check. We’ve seen nice bathroom vanities, lighting, and doors going for a fraction of what they cost new.
Austin’s uncle redid a bathroom with materials from the free section on Craigslist. He got some nice stuff, and it turned out great.
The more time you have leading up to a project, the more time you have to be on the lookout for good deals.
A tight budget doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with your house the way it is. By setting priorities, doing most of the work yourself, and finding ways to save money, you can do quite a lot!
You met him, dated him, and fell in love. Then came the hustle and bustle of marriage preparation and the day itself. Everything happened so fast that you didn’t get a chance to stop and observe his habits.
Well, that can be a huge mistake if you married a sloppy guy and now you are stuck with a lazy husband. The realization isn’t instant; it builds up until you finally accept ‘ my husband is lazy and unmotivated’ .
A report from a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center’s Religious Landscape Study shared that 61% of the participants said that sharing household chores is very important for a successful marriage.
Considering such statistics for a marriage to succeed it is essential to look for signs of laziness from your husband and find ways to motivate him.
Here are some of the signs of a lazy husband you should look out for.
Signs of a lazy husband
If you have a lazy husband but aren’t sure, explore the following traits of a lazy husband and decide for yourself.
1. Tries to avoid the household chores
Are doing the dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning up after meals, laundry washing and putting away, are all these your responsibilities? Has your husband ever tried to lend a hand?
If these are your responsibilities and he has never lent a hand then yes you have a lazy spouse.
While you do all the work, he sits on the couch watching sports? Then you are no doubt dealing with a lazy and unmotivated husban d . However, this isn’t the only thing; more is yet to come.
2. Expects sex and wants you to serve
After a tiring day, when you finally get some ease of time, with a book your favorite show, he starts hinting sex when you don’t want any. Not only that, he expects you to serve and himself to enjoy.
Laziness can lead to selfishness in men. They don’t see past sex, your mood or tiredness doesn’t really matter to them.
This may be the most prominent sign among the many signs of a lazy husband .
This also leads to unwanted stress as the husband won’t back off without being annoyed and pissed. Don’t worry there are ways to motivate a lazy partner.
3. Leaves a mess behind without considering your workload
After all the household chores, you also have to clean up behind your husband as well?
The lazy husband syndrome proves that a lazy husband leaves a mess behind in every room.
Even when he goes into the kitchen for a spoon, he will make a mess. The first thing he wouldn’t know where a spoon would be while searching for it he will mess all drawers and will not even bother to shut them.
4. He rarely compromises
He shows reluctance towards making compromises or finding a middle ground. His needs and desires are more often more important than yours.
On top of that, he is unwilling to communicate, listen, and understand what you want. At the beginning of the relationship, your love and commitment made you ignore such behavior but now it an ongoing pattern.
However, this has made him even more ignorant and demanding, and he is not averse from using emotional manipulation or even physical threats to get his way.
If all these traits point out that your husband is a lazy bum, we have good news for you, we have foolproof tips and tricks that will help you understand how to deal with a lazy husband as well as how to motivate a lazy husband.
5. His work over yours
When you and your husband both have a full-time job, you both need to share the household workload. That includes the bills as well as the mundane work like laundry, cooking, and cleaning.
If he considers his work more important than yours, you are in trouble.
A lazy husband always thinks that his work matters more , he does more and he shouldn’t be bothered with household chores.
How to deal with a lazy husband?
As per a brief report on the changing household patterns by the Council on Contemporary Families, the analysis of time diary data on household and care work in the United States from 1965 to 2012 indicates that women’s and men’s housework and child care are much more similar today than they were fifty years ago.
This suggests that men are not intrinsically lazy, and they can be motivated to extend a helping hand.
1. They all want to be heroes
Show him that he is your hero and you can’t really function without him, make him think that there are certain things that only he can do. When you make him feel needed, he will start thinking of himself as more important.
This heroic feeling will help him take off the lazy cape and wear the Superman cape. Try role reversing; don’t make him feel that you can do it all by yourself.
This will only make him slack even more and make your lazy husband even lazier.
2. Let go of the threatening attitude
If you want something done by a grown-up man, you will need a little change in yourself. No threatening, no pointing fingers, and no arguments. These negative points will only make him more adamant not to work.
3. Appreciation and positivity
Load him with praises at the smallest favor he does. These favors may not seem much, but in the long run, they will help him to change. Start with the trash and more gradually to other small chores like loading the dishwasher.
Things that can make him feel that he has made a difference, but these need to be speedy chores, not something that takes time. Appreciate every tiny effort that he makes.
Also watch: Positivity and support in marriage.
4. Ask about preferred chores
Giving your spouse the choice of chores and asking him to commit to getting them done on a schedule is more collaborative than telling him what to do.
Even if you are stuck with some chores you don’t like, you have fewer overall to complete, so there is a positive trade-off to consider.
This is one of the best tactics for dealing with a lazy husband.
5. Lower your expectations and compromise
Maybe you are expecting too much, and this can pressurize him. Try lowering your expectations and start compromising a bit for his sake. Reconnect with your husband and get through to him regarding his laziness.
A lazy husband may be the hardest person to deal with, but it’s not an impossible task. Have a bit of patience and tact, and you will be able to change your lazy husband into an ideal one.
Men want commitment. They really are not that confusing but will only commit to a woman who is not out to control him with man-management. Men do not need someone to control and mother them and when this happens it is an instant turn-off. Nor do men want a woman who is at all needy or desperate for him to be the source of her happiness. So what makes men tick and how you can you empower yourself to have the relationship you want?
1. Never Let a Man Decide What You Get in Love: If you have an idea of how you want love to look, do not give a man the power to not give it to you. You get to decide what you want and let him know in simple and direct ways. Communicate with him not about what you want him to do or change but rather with what you do and don’t want for yourself. The minute a man feels you’re trying to change him or tell him what to do you have lost his attraction. So, be clear on what you do and don’t want for yourself and tell him directly. This way he wants to give you the love you want.
2. Do Not Accept Substandard Treatment: Men do not want to be able to walk all over you. They want a woman they can respect. They want someone who would leave them before they would tolerate poor or lazy treatment. Men like the challenge, so do not be afraid to challenge him. Stand your ground in a calm and serious way by being who you are from your truth. If you try and convince or litigate with him your “rightness” you will lose. Be true to what you believe and he will respect and admire you for it. This turns him on and turns him around.
3. Giving Freedom: Men need freedom and are attracted to those women who would not keep him from doing the healthy things he enjoys for himself. Men want to be with a woman who can be flexible and give him the slack he needs to do the things which make him happy. Be flexible with plans instead of rigid or set in your ways. However they also respect a woman who has clear boundaries and says in simple and clear communication what is not ok with her. It makes his heart tick when he sees a woman as not taking from his life but as infinitely adding to it.
4. Positivity and Maturity: Men love elegance and the ability to make a woman happy. It is a turn off to them when women whine, pressure or complain. This is what children do to get their way or to communicate they’re feeling hurt or insecure. Emotionally healthy women know and respect their own feelings more than to turn them into complaints and vehicles for playing the victim. When communicating with a man do your best to create a positive emotional environment. Men love women who bring on the fun and the positive. This type of energy makes him desire to connect with her so that he wants more and more of her time.
5. Attraction: Men are attracted to what they cannot control or predict. They obsess over women who flirt, give them attention and then don’t feel the need to talk the next day. Neediness and desperation are perhaps the biggest attraction killers for a man. One thing to keep in mind is men fall in love in your absence while you fall in love in their presence. Give him the space to miss you and then make the time you have together positive and high quality.
Much of what makes men tick is counter-intuitive to women. The concept of you being less actually makes you more to a man. Being less, meaning you do not have to work so darn hard to figure a man out to keep him. Be simple, give space, live and love your own life and do not make him the center of your universe. This draws him to you because your emotions will not be dictated by everything he does or doesn’t do. It keeps you sexy and this keeps him challenged and wanting to work to keep you in his life. Learn to receive, to follow and to express yourself simply within the idea of not changing him but communicating with him in plain language what you want and don’t want for yourself.
Sherapy Advice: Love yourself, live your life and create the space for a man to love you.
So You Messed Up! God Still Loves You!
What do you do when you messed up? You just give it up and leave? Or you try to cover up and pretend that everything is alright? Or you keep on blaming yourself or some body else over and over again and accept that you are not going to put yourself up again and shine? What do you do when you think you really messed up big time? Allow me to share a truth from the word of God today. Many people have this weird view of success, failure or God or a Christian life. Many people think God loves them and want to be with them when everything seems all right or when they think they are in a perfect relationship with God and others. Many think He treats them up right when they do things right. Let me tell you this today, God loves you no matter what. He loves you not because you good or bad. He doesn’t loves you because you do alright or you messed up in life. He loves you no matter what you did or who you are. But this doesn’t mean he wants you to keep on doing the stuff that drags you down from the life that you need to live on. No! He loves you when you don’t feel lovely. He loves you no matter how bad you messed up! Remember, the devil looks back and see how you messed up here and there, but God looks back and see how far you come. He never calculates your progression on your passion. He calculates your progression on the scale of the cross. Because he knows you can’t make it this far by yourself. So, today I want you to know that don’t beat yourself up. Because, when God forgive he forget. “…And will not remember thy sins.”—Isa. 43:25, “I will remember their sin no more.”—Jer. 31:34 and “Their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.”—Heb. 8:12. Let me tell you this, this very fact that when God saves me that he forgave me all my sins is keep me alive, live in peace, moves me, stirs me up, you name it. Remember, our God specializes calling the “nobodies” and make them “somebodies.” So, stop blaming yourself for what God has already forgave and forget. In fact, he demonstrate his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV)
Now take a moment and think about this, no matter how bad you messed up, He still loves you. He loves you and wants the very best for you. His love is unconditional. Other people may tell you this and that, can’t go any farther or make it happen. But you need to open yourself up to the truth and love of God and put your effort and strength in faith and hope in the Lord to your goals and dreams. Get in the position and stay focused. Look up before you give up. Be in control and trust in God. Sometimes your journey is painful and slow. Sometimes you may “fell of the wagon” and every thing looks so dark and hopeless. But remember what God says it is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8) and He also said When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17). Don’t say it’s over until God says it’s over.
So, if you think today that you are neck-deep in sin, or blame yourself for your situations, or feel trapped and see no way out? JESUS is the way out! He loves you and cares for you. You think you messed up really big time and don’t think God doesn’t forgive you? No! Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)
It is good to know that you are responsible for all your actions. It is good you recognize you end up where you are right now because you let all the bad stuff into your life. The fact that you really messed up also is an opportunity to turn back to your feet again, if you accept the forgiveness of God and move on from past. So, today close the door to the past. Stop beating yourself up for what you did in the past. Don’t make your mistakes your memories. Your past may be your worst, but you can make the present your best. Stop keep on regretting when you able to keep on moving. Learn from your past don’t live in the past. Don’t let your past paralyze your future. Don’t let negative thoughts and experiences control your progression. Don’t allow broken dreams and unfulfilled promises stop you from enjoying each day. Don’t allow the spirit of captivity destroy the sense of purpose from your life. You may be broken and bruised in life before but don’t let that to be an excuse to grow and be happy in life. God is a God of new things. A new life, a new beginning, new covenant, new hearts, and new way of doing things. Because he is a God of new things there is always hope and future. There is joy and peace. However, for the new things begin the old has to go away. Dear saint, God is doing a new thing right now. But he wants you to get rid off the old so that the new has begun.